I'm beginning to think that NPD and even the co-dependency of the spouse or partner worsens with age. Does anyone else find that to be true, especially in cases of NPD parents?
My parents are elderly but both are fully functioning and active with no serious health issues (except the mental ones, of course!)....But my dad, the co-dependent parent, seems to be getting increasingly co-dependent and "helpless" and my mom, the NPD one, also seems to be escalating her N behaviors. My dad caters to my NPD mom's every whim to the point where it is sad and humiliating. Yet, when a situation doesn't have to do with her, he acts completely helpless in every regard. He expects everyone to wait on him hand and foot and acts as if he is completely incapable, which he is not. You literally cannot have an adult conversation with him. Recently, I asked him questions regarding a recent doctor's appointment and he either completely ignores the questions and changes the subject or says something really silly or stupid. In the end, he never answers the questions (these are routine questions; he is not facing any major health issues). The same is true of any serious or adult topic. I guess I'm juse realizing that all throughout my life, I have never been able to have one single, adult or serious conversation with my dad. He's never expressed an interest in anything in my life. When experiencing the many hardships and traumas I've been through, he's never asked me about them or how I was feeling. He's never offered advice or empathy or support. But, when it comes to my N mom, he literally jumps at whatever she wants and often spends his time anticipating her wishes. As an example, the other day, my mom got really angry with him because she, too, asked routine questions about his health (he has bad knees and refuses to do much walking). She flew off the handle and said she was sick of his "silliness" and huffed away in anger (typical N behavior). BUT, and here's the kicker, when this happened, my dad didn't get angry with her. He got angry with ME. He gave me this incredible hateful look blaming me for "starting this". It just struck me that he is either so afraid of my Nmom or of disappointing her, that he would treat me unfairly or do anything to avoid getting in an argument with her. He has done this repeatedly to me over the years.
As for my Nmom, her selfishness and self-centeredness seems to be getting worse. She has also become a bit of a shopaholic, often a behavior I know associated with NPD. It has become obvious that in every way she has written off myself, my brother and his family and my dad. No one else exists in her world except for her and my Nsister. She has absolutely and positively no patience for anyone, especially my dad who is older than her and has a few more health issues (although nothing major).
This all just breaks my heart. Maybe it's just that this year I realized that I have no one in my family (or anyone else) who cares about me or takes an interest in me. TO me, it's just not normal that your parents never express an interest in anything going on in your life, particularly when you are facing hard times. Thanksgiving is next week and my brother informed me that unlike past years, he will no longer even bother extending the annual invitation to my parents to share the holiday with him. They always turn him down and opt instead to spend the holiday once again with my Nsister. I think I will just "call in sick" on the holiday and stay at home. The betrayal is sometimes overwhelming.
Anyway, mostly I was just wondering if anyone noticed that these behaviors get worse with age or if it just depends on the personality of the person. The co-dependency in particular seems to be getting worse. It's bad enough to "lose" one parent to NPD, but to know you also don't have the other parent because of his extreme co-dependency is heartwrenching.
