i know i'm alittle over the top today, and i ended up here. i'm wondering if i am a narcisist. i am also wondering if my fiace is one. he doesn't know i'm writing about this, and i would probably be in deep trouble if he did, but, i get really tired of not being able to be myself. i know i have emotional problems, and i really am working through them. anyway, this is what is up. I have been feeling a little down cause he's drinking again, and we're "fighting" again. by fighting, i mean we aren't speaking to each other. i just seem to always be doing something wrong. i do try hard to do the right things, but, i just don't always know what they are. So, today when he threw his little "mini-fit" i couldn't take anymore, and i guess i'm keeping it going because i don't have the energy to pretend that everything is just peachy when it isn't. The reason i came to this web sight is because i do feel voiceless. it is getting better, cause i get to talk to my friends. i didn't used to, and even now, it's hard for me to know when he's listening, and i don't really like upsetting him.
anyway, the problems i'm having are thus: 1) i am a very emotional person, not only do i feel deeply, but it shows in my conduct. he doesn't always like it.
2) i can't seem to be able to speak my mind. well, sometimes i can, but i have to be careful how i say things. i think i get a little too exuberant sometimes for his liking.
3) i have a hard time finishing a thought when i do talk to him. i usually get interupted in mid sentence, and i don't dare interrupt, not even to agree, sometimes. the other night, i thought we were having a conversation, and was told to shut up with my "intellectual bullshit" and to just listen.
4) he throws mini-fits all the time. that is getting better, though, because he got one from me, and i let him know that it's what he acts like all the time.
5) i am not allowed to complain about anything. Especially something i can't do anything about.
6) he used to tellme how to talk, and sometimes still does. expects me to say to people what he would say, but, i just tell him to say it himself. of course, when he does, it sounds much nicer than it does when he says it to me. i think i just frustrate him.
7) why do i have to listen to the same stories over and over?
i feel this is a big one. JEALOUSY. I don't indulge in it myself, cause it's so icky, and can be so crazy, but, i can't even talk about guy friends i've had. and i'm not supposed to be talking to men at all unless he's there.
9) i feel isolated. like, i have to go everywhere with him. we were talking about me getting some money, and i said i'd like my own car when i can afford it. he feels really threatened that i might want to go to the store or something by myself. he says being together means we have to be with each other all the time. i am not allowed to work, or anything, of course.
10) maybe i'm just being shallow. he does do a lot for me. actually, i wish he'd let me do my own stuff once in a while. i'm old enough to fix my own plate.
ok. that's most of it. thanks for a place to vent. i usually just write in my journal (which he reads sometimes.) i know this sounds like it's over the top, but, really, this is the way i feel. like he doesn't actually hear what i'm saying, and sometimes i'm not sure what he's saying cause it seems to keep changing. even in the same paragraph. i feel like i walk on eggshells all the time around him, and i'm always around him. People who have known him longer than i, say that he's gotten much better with me that anyone else, but that's just cause i can only take so much before i get fed up and start thinking about leaving.
Am i nuts?
