I have to add s/thing. A picture is popping in my head of my M berating herself for every "normal" feeling and desire. I remember that she could never be "selfish" without horrible guilt. She could never feel "judgemental" without beating herself up. She could not feel
normal" human "falings" such as pettiness,jealousy, selfishness without taking an "ax" to herself. I am seeing this in my "mind's eye".
Also, my M has to DO everything perfectly. I remember how horrible it was for her to train a dog. She could never admit failure or defeat. .
My M's sister can accept her foibles. She can talk about her various weaknesses(fear of dogs is one). She can joke about them. She said that she almost had a heart attck when a friends bull dog jumped in her lap. She can talk about her selfishness. She was telling me a story about her D when my Aunt let her D do a task that my Aunt should have and how my Aunt felt guilty. However, she could admit selfishness, poor judgement, weakness etc---all in her story. Then I was telling her about Maria. She said,"Ami, dear,of course, she would have jealousy. That is just normal.
My Aunt can own the whole spectrum of her emotions as "just human". She can laugh at them.It surprises me every time that I talk to her. This is what I want. This is what I call "normal" and this is what my goal is. Does anyone understand ? Ami
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