Loving Myself------ very "weird"

[Ami]

After you helped me to accept my feelings, I realize that the next step is to love myself. This feels like a very "forbidden" emotion and thought. It feels very wrong. "What do you mean "love ' yourself?". I feel like a sword will come down from heaven and slice me.
 There seems to be a major "taboo" to loving myself. It feels like it is as hard as walking through a blizzard.
If  anyone who can relate to this subject,I would be grateful for your opinions.             Love   Ami

[Ami]

I have to add s/thing. It is as if I am purposely "blocking" myself from letting love in. It is like a self protective mechanism.I am blocking joy from coming in ,too.
  This is a little thing,but my Poodle always picks her old body up and follows me wherever I go. Today,I walked from one room to the other to get s/thing. She is always right behind me. It hit me that "that" is a small joy to let in.
  Why do I feel like I can't let love get inside me (or joy).? It feels like s/thing "bad" will happen to me if I have the "audacity" to love myself and to say,"YES-----I feel joy."                                Ami

[Ami]

Here are some examples of what I mean . I am " afraid" to let love and joy in. For example, I love to make things in the crock pot b/c the whole house smells so homey . I feel like I "block" myself from feeling the "joy" of just being in that moment. I feel like I HAVE to numb or block out joy and love. There are so many examples of this. I have this delicious Bindi oil that I love to put on b/c it smells so delicious. One has rose, cinnamon and other unusual fragrances all together so that it is wonderful .. I find myself putting up the same block with this. I even do this with music b/c I love it so much.
  I know that this sounds horrible, but I have it ----so I figure that s/one must be able to relate.
  If you are going to say,"Just forget about it,I kindly ask you not to respond . It is hard enough to share this deeply,as it is. Thanks   Ami

[Hopalong]

I think you fear it because that was the smart thing to do in your childhood, Ami.
It was smart and adaptive to fear being nice to yourself, because on some level you knew about your mother's illness. So you froze that over.

I think you're just hauling around your past emotional tapes so it's hard to be in the present. To be still and quiet, without "badness" rushing in.

You're having trouble giving yourself the present of being in the present.
You'll probably have to practice being present in the present.

Just a few minutes at a time.

NOBODY does it all day long. We are all creatures of memory and expectation, reflex and hope.
But we can widen the windows of time we have to let ourselves be present.

Maybe you trip yourself up a little bit by feeling it will have to be JOY that comes in, if not all the old fear.
Maybe you could set your aim toward, some contentment for a little while.

If you demand a complete and total transformation of yourself that might be paralysing?

rambling around the compost heap, feel free...

Hops

[Ami]

NO COMPOST HEAP-----just beautiful wisdom flowing like water. Thank you so much Hops                       Ami

[Leah]

"What do you mean "love ' yourself?". I feel like a sword will come down from heaven and slice me.

Dear Ami,

Why ever would a sword come down from heaven and slice you?  When we are encouraged to "love yourself before you can love others"

Anyway, interesting subject to ponder on ....

My own thoughts are that you cannot truly love unless you know what love is.  And therefore, to love oneself is an act of understanding, with compassion, nurture, care, and acceptance.

And so, my understanding is that one cannot love outwardly, to another --- until one loves inwardly, of oneself.

That's how it makes commonsense to me; first, love yourself, then love your neighbour (all around you), with the very same act of understanding, kindness, empathy, compassion and care, as you give to yourself (hopefully on a daily basis!!).

To sum it up --- it's only an outward expression of yourself 

That's just clicked into place!

Ones innerself, ones authentic true being, pouring forth, outwardly, to others.

Makes crystal clear sense now --- another click of the  .

That's why N's & Co - 'toxic' or 'nasty' people (terms used in the very same book titles)  behave as they do!!!
"What they don't possess - they can't express!"


Reason enough to be humbly grateful.

Love, Leah

[Ami]

Dear Leah,
 That was genius. What a post. Thank you so much.                          Love   Ami

[Leah]

Thank you Ami,

For the opportunity to freely express my thoughts and ponderings with a real sense of freedom of expression.

Sitting here amazed that I have not deleted it.

Letting go, trusting, and not being concerned as to whether or not I may receive ridicule (emotional abuse) of any kind; for my thoughts, feelings and expression ... is truly uplifting.  Altogether an enjoyable new experience.

Love, Leah

[Ami]

I bet that it feels wonderful, Leah.                   Love   Ami

(((((((((((((Leah)))))))))))))))

[Ami]

I was thinking about what Hops said. I developed a fear of letting love and joy in. A memory came to me. I ,already, shared this on another thread . I had a boyfriend(teens.). Our 'song" was 'Miracles'.  I told my M. She sneered at me,'WHAT was it a miracle that you met each other?'. It strikes me funny now  b/c she was such an ass to a young girl.
 I had another incident when my friend and I painted our nails(age 15). I came to show her and she sneered,'WHAT is so big about that?"I  am starting to see how I got like this .
 .In time, as I see how the problem developed,I will see that I don't need to keep repeating it. A sword won't come down and slice me if I have joy and love inside..           Ami
 

[Ami]

Part of my not letting joy and love in was  to'protect" my M's mental health. If I took on her reality ( and agreed with it) ,she could "be  normal" .
  I have already "betrayed' her by going NC.Going NC   IS breaking the lie b/c it "shows" that she was not the "good mother" that I was always forced to tell her. I am telling the truth .My F is telling the truth.  Part of diminishing my life was to LIVE out the "lie" that she was O.K.
  Part of the lie that SHE is O.K. is MY being sick(not being alive to life)                 Ami

[Gabben]

There seems to be a major "taboo" to loving myself. It feels like it is as hard as walking through a blizzard.


Yes - I too feel this way. It is so much easier for ME to turn my anger and hurt towards myself than to just feel it, accepting that people wronged me and it hurt and try to stay compassionate to me. I feel as though I have a wall to loving myself - I think it is my demand for justrice because something really wrong happened to me and there was no justice, if I don't beat myself up or hurt myself then no one pays the price for what happend, see?

I hurt myself with critical thoughts and shame.

[Ami]

I was waiting for you--- Amber and Lise to weigh in on this b/c I knew that you would have a lot to offer and of course you did.
 One wonderful thing about the board is that by the time I have 'named" and expressed the problem,it is usually on it's way out.
  The Role,as you said Amber, did not allow for any self love and care. It was all about playing the 'game" so we could neutralize  our M's and not get hurt. Then, one day, we found that the role was "stuck.
 Lise,I think that it was 'dangerous" to love ourselves.  I heard the  phrases  ,'Who do you think you are?" and 'What are you so big about?". I answered by becoming whatever she wanted me to be as long as I did not have to face the pain.
 I became like the submissive dog who rolls over. Then,I was "stuck" there.
  Today,I feel much more whole b/c I,recently, forced myself to share very deeply and I saw that all that pain was just a 'vapor"---- more lies.
  Thanks for being there Amber and Lise.                     Love   Ami

[seasons]

Ami,

I wanted to send you a hug. I need to read this over, great wisdom shared.

love sent to you.......seasons

[Ami]

You are so sweet, Seasons,. Love gratefully received.        Ami

(((((((((((((((Seasons))))))))))))))))))))))
    .