I can feel for you. I could have written parts of your posting. I grew up with the same autohoritarian style father; everyone walked on eggshells when he was around. If we made a mistake or had an accident, even as simple as spilling milk, he raised the roof. He always said we did these things on purpose just to hurt him. He really thinks every thought or decision in our lives are completely encompassing him.
When I was 7 years old I sat at the dinner table next to my baby sister. I am left handed and she was starting to picking up food with her left hand. My father screamed at me that I was making my sister retarded by teaching her to use her left hand. He forced me to start eating with my right hand. Imagine how neat that was, and we were not allowed any spills, so I cried through each meal for a week. He finally told me if I wanted to be retarded, I could use my left hand, but to remember that he had tried to fix me and I wouldn't listen to him. My sister is still lefthanded, and so am I and we have the neatest handwriting in the family.
Through research I have discovered we were simply his objects to admire, until we did not do things the way he wanted. Then we were the enemy out to get him. There was no real laughter in my house growing up except when my parents laughed at us when we got our feelings hurt, or when they made us cry from criticism. The children had to be quiet for fear we would get on his nerves.
He has since retired, after getting laid off from a life long job, and couldn't keep the next position because the new boss didn't bow down to him. He can't stand to be around anyone who cusses, drinks and smokes. He thought this guy did it just to make him mad. The world revolves around his every thoughts and moves. He now sits at home in his lazyboy with the remote in his hand complaining that the children do not visit him.
He's only 68 and drives to FL 2 times a year to visit the 'golden child', but cannot visit the other children. He blames me for going against his wishes when my family moved across the country for my husband's job. He thinks we did it just to be mean to him. When we have visited with our children, he sits in his lazyboy, heater going in July, acting asleep so he doesn't have to talk to anyone. Now that really makes me want to visit! Then when he wants something like a drink or snack, he yells for my mother to wait on him hand and foot. He has used us all as his servant all of our lives.
My mother is no better than him though because she does the same things only from a martyr standpoint. They are both screwed up and have banished me from the family because at age 40 I learned they were controlling parents and decided to find healing. I started with refusing to argue anymore. Then I refused to visit when they demanded. Then I refused to be hypocritical and send the mushy cards for holidays. This week I took the ultimate action and did something that I knew would anger them. I disobeyed a standing rule and destroyed something he had made for me years ago, and mailed it back. He views everything he gives as still his property, just as his children are his property. I admitted to doing things they are opposed to lie drinking and smoking. I have not heard from them since, and probably will not. But it made me feel good to finally step out and misbehave.
A few years ago my father had non-emergency surgery and was livid that I didn't show up at the hospital. I live 3000 miles away and did not get the message that he was in the hospital until he was home because we were out of state on vacation. He got so angry about that and told my mother I was never to be told if he was sick again and when he died, I was not to be allowed at the funeral. He said if I wasn't good enough to visit when he was well and alive, I would not be allowed near him when he was sick or dead. The funny thing is, I WILL be at the funeral when that blessed day comes - I will be the one with the smirk on my face, anxious to celebrate! I finally wrote them this week and told them I had always been accused of feeling I was was too good to be around them, but the truth is that they have always told me how I was not good enough for them. I cannot stand to be in their presence because they demean, criticize, are negative about everything and tell me to shut up. They must be N and I am finally able to understand that I was ok, they are the ones with major problems. I know longer need to try to make them love me. They do not have the ability to love anyone but themselves.
