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Please help; hanging on by a thread

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el123:
I was gone for a week visiting a friend last week (longest I've ever been away from the kids!).  My H and I had an agreement not to talk to his N mother or N brother as they were literally destroying our marriage/family.  (If interested, please refer to my previous posts.  Too long to put down and I'm too depressed to go over it again  :cry: ).  

Anyways, my H has a problem being honest with me when it comes to his family which is another of our problems.  Is this common with ACON's?  He lied to me and I found out that his N brother had called to tell him to call his mother so she "wouldn't die" (my N BIL is a DOCTOR and lives with N MIL with his family also N MIL could call 911 if there was a problem).  But my H called my N MIL and now she's back in our lives.  Of course she has absolutely no health problems whatsoever.  My H didn't even have to pick up the phone when my BIL called.  We have caller ID. The thing that irks me the most about this is that as soon as I'm gone, he picks up the phone when BIL or MIL call.  Because I'm not there to tell him not to.  I feel like he has placed me in the mother role.  

I know that my H has had it rough with the N's in his life (so have I, N mother...) but we AGREED to cut it off cold turkey with his mother and brother until we could work out our problems.  And it had been over a month with no contact and things were dramatically improving with us.  When I brought it up, we got into a HUGE fight (this is the same day I get back from a week of being gone).  He said it was just a 'white lie' and yelled at me.  He said that I was being unreasonable (even though our marriage is hanging on this...) I just wanted to spend time with my kids when I got back but I spent the night crying myself to sleep on the couch.  He is no good when I'm upset.  He kicks me when I'm down.  He's never been there for me when I was upset.  Is this common for ACON's as well?  I'm so upset.  I don't know what to do.  I can't live this way any longer.  I'm considering divorce even though I have 3 small children.  It's just unbearable.  I don't even know if I've explained this well enough for anyone to answer since I can't stop crying and reading is difficult.  I feel like I just want some encouragement.  Something to keep me hanging on.  Whenever a sliver of hope opens up, he shatters is.  He cannot be honest.  My therapist said that he didn't think my H was a N but I don't know.  What do I do?  How do I live this way?  I just want to dissapear.
-E

Anonymous:
Unfortunately, I don't remember your story nor do I know which are your previous posts. I understand how distraught you are. I can see how betrayed you feel, and how demoralizing his actions were. However there is something else. It's unrealistic to ask a partner to totally cut off family members, no matter how destructive they are.  The agreement between you and your husband was not practical or realistic. Even if it's a good idea to get rid of these people (I'm sure it is), asking him to cut them off is putting him in an impossible bind. That's why he went into a defensive mode and counterattacked when he felt threatened and cornered.

Maybe you do need to divorce him. But don't make that decision when you're upset. I would seek marital counseling first. Can your therapist refer you to someone today?

bunny

less:
Hi there,

Sounds like a real pressure cooker you are in right now. Hang in there.  I have just come to this board so please excuse my amateur attempts here - Just wondered if you could release a bit of the pressure by scheduling an hour or so with your husband to go for a walk or talk to a mediator of some sort.  Raising children and dealing with N's-  it's an overflowing plate - the Full Catastrophe as one book teasingly put it.


I have a mother who is always dying but is also in perfect health - it isn't just a hook it's a hug grappling iron and it is so hard to resist it. I can't resist because well what if... and then I'd be left with huge guilt the rest of my life. There is a lot at stake. Possibly it is just too much for your husband to resist and yet he wants to appear to be honouring your agreement too.  You are both in a pretty tight place.

I would suggest softening a bit around the no contact with family as troubling as they must be for you. I'm sorry I don't know your history - I can only imagine how difficult it is to have these people in your life but perhaps there is a compromise position with lots of guidelines.
Good luck

el123:
bunny, thanks for responding.  Unfortunately I don't know how to get to my old posts.  I tried plugging in my name but didn't get get the post I wrote about.  

My post was not very clear.  I know that it is completely unreasonable to ask anyone to cut off family members.  But we had a very uniqe situation.  In our situation, our IL's were destroying our marriage and our well being (My H was paying my MIL's bills even though we couldn't afford it and couldn't pay mortgage, my MIL was calling up EVERY day to threaten suicide, never following through of course, etc . etc.  Would not listen to boundaries.  There's LOTS more.  Just can't get to the posts  :? don't know why.  ugh!!  But this was WAY beyond appropriate and everyone, everyone, even our therapist, said we needed to cut her and BIL out of our lives for everyone's sake).  
 
-E

p.s.  Does anyone know how to get to previous posts?  I may have logged in as a guest.  But I think it was titled "My story".

mighty mouse:
Hi El123,

Sorry for your dilemma.

Would you characterize your H as a Momma's boy? I don't mean to offend here. I was just wondering.

I know he's in a quandry, but his first allegience is to you and your family. If his Mom is fed and has a roof over her head, he has no further obligation to her IMO. And if she is being destructive to your family, he should stand up to her and tell her to take the proverbial hike! It sounds like he hasn't really gotten "it" yet.

I actually do think he should keep your agreement. ANYONE who is destructive to your family should be booted even if their name is Mom. I hope that sinks in to him pretty soon or he may lose his family.

Good luck to you.

MM

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