Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Please help; hanging on by a thread
el123:
I have been searching everywhere and cannot find the post I'm referring to so I'll sum up the destruction as best as I can. Please keep in mind that this is only a snippet of it:
My BIL is a multi-millionaire and a N and leads my H by the nose. He tells my H to jump and my H says "how high". Anyways, my BIL owes my MIL 1/2 a million dollars and somehow convinced my H to pay his bill. My H kept this info from me and sent money to my MIL each month because and only because my BIL TOLD my H to. Meanwhile my BIL's kids are in 30,ooo dollar/yr (no exaggeration on ANY of this) kindergarten, private piano, he just went in with others on a multi million dollar condo investment and we can't even pay our mortgage much less buy anything for ourselves and our kids were in NO activities cause we couldn't afford them. I find out about this the way someone would an affair. Looked through the cancelled checks and saw that each month H was paying my MIL what my BIL owed her because and only because BIL told my H to (my H has a VERY dysfunctional relationship with both his Mother and his Brother...). H confessed finally. Meanwhile, while this is going on, my N MIL is calling me EVERY day complaining that she is not getting the money that BIL owes her and she wants to commit suicide. Not saying "oh, you are paying my bills. Thanks". But instead, keeping me on my toes. Thinking that she is terribly upset and giving her all of my support, etc. Sometimes calling me 2 to 3 times per day. And my H said that she has been doing this his entire life. My Mil has constantly had my H choose between her or me and it's always been her. For instance, right after my first child was born, she called him in to work even though he was supposed to have two weeks off (it was her restaurant that he worked in. She was responsible for vacation, etc.) and I was bleeding heavily and needed a doctor to tell her that I needed someone with me in case I hemmorraged. But my H only took off 2 days instead of two weeks and that was like pulling teeth simply because my MIL asked my H in to wait tables for God's sakes. She called him into work when we were supposed to go on vacation (it would have been his only one in 1 1/2 yrs. We were going to visit my family who we had moved away from so that we could be close to MIL and it was all set but at the last minute she said she needed him in) She would call late at night obsessively leaving messages and yell that noone called her back because she wanted help cleaning her fridge. Call on valentine's day night and ruin any chance of romance by threatening suicide because he cared more for me than her. I could go on and on and on. Literally write a book on all that she has done. Yelled at me in a crowded wedding to watch my SIL's baby (leave the church and miss the wedding) Literally yelled "GEt out!!" pointing at me to leave to watch my niece. I never even said that I would watch my niece. There's SO much more. Please believe me when I say that she is ultra destructive to me, my family, my marriage. My therapist (who even my H goes to now) said that both she and BIL are toxic and like a poison to us. He said that they absolutely need to be cut off if our marriage has any chance of survival. My H agreed to this!!!
That's why I'm so upset! He immediately answered BIL's call and, since BIL said "Call mom" H thinks he has no choice but to call his mom. I just don't know what to do here. I have no trust in my H. I have trust issues to begin with since my mother is a N. My H yells at me because he thinks this is just a 'white lie' he said. But it was what was keeping our marriage and family together.
I am not articulating clearly and I apologize. I'm just too upset. And yes MM, H is definately a Momma's boy and I take no offense whatsoever to you asking that :) . She has a roof over her head, is fed, etc and agreed to not contact us as we told her that we were considering splitting up because of her and BIL's interference. That's why this is so hard! They're putting their hooks in again and H is once again falling for it.
Thanks Less, I'd love to just talk to my H but I just simply don't trust him to tell the truth at this point. It's very frustrating. He has broken my trust over and over again. Talking seems pointless. I am so upset over this. I can barely care for my children right now.
-E
write:
sorry you're having a rough time.
It must be hard being mixed with such a dysfunctional crowd who all feed each other's problems, but when you get to the point of feeling unable to cope with your children maybe it's time to re-prioritise you and the kids and let the others go play without you...
You can't help your husband be independent, or to face his own issues, he has to help himself.
But you can help yourself re-discover a sense of self and a calm homelife.
I asked my n h to move out @ 4 months ago and things are much better for us all ( with occasional blips of course )
I agonised about the decision for a couple of years but know 100% that it is the best way forward, and h ( who put himself in therapy ) agrees.
Anonymous:
Thanks for reposting your story. It seems you credit the BIL and MIL for screwing up your marriage. They are crazy for certain but they aren't really the problem. The problem is a severely pathological family situation that a marriage probably can't override. Your husband is psychically fused with his relations. He feels at a deep level that he can't survive without them. So asking him to cut them off cold turkey is impractical. I know you think your case is special and that's why he should cut them off, but it's actually similar to other situations, including my own with a MIL (who is now dead, thank goodness).
You went away for a week. Your husband *could not survive that long* without his mother or a surrogate.
Your husband is stuck in an impossible bind: does he try to cooperate with you? Or does he cut off his lifeline: brother and mother. To him (as to you) this is life or death. His unconscious mind feels you're asking him to commit suicide. And he has a survival instinct.
Here are your options as I see them:
(1) Marriage counseling starting today or this week. Even if it's to talk about divorce.
(2) Call your own therapist asap as you are in a crisis. Ask for help.
bunny
el123:
write, It's great to hear that things are better with you since you made your decision for you H to move out. Do you have children? How are they handling it? Just wondering because I've actually thought of this but the kids prevent me from it (thinking of how it will affect them).
bunny, I definately do not credit my BIL and MIL for screwing up our marriage. We certainly have our share of problems. For example, one major problem we have is that he cannot be there for me when I'm upset. This goes back to his mother using him as surrogate husband and constantly using being upset in order to manipulate him. He recognizes this and is trying to change this. But the BIL and MIL definately make marriage a hell of a lot harder than if they weren't around. I know that there is boundary issues in the family (to put it midly....). But cutting them off cold turkey WAS working! I cannot stress this point enough. We hadn't spoken to them in about two months and both his stress level and mine were reduced by about 80%. My H commented repeatedly to me how much life was better not speaking to them. My BIL called while I was away. I think he knew I was gone (my aunt is friends with MIL and told her). My H did not call him, my H just answered the phone. My H wants to cut off his brother and mother. This is not just me telling him to do it. Also, we are both in therapy and our therapist agrees and advised him that cutting them off cold turkey is in the best interest of everyone. The therapist even said that he refrains from telling people what to do but that he felt he had to say this in this case. His brother was just trying to hook him back in because my H told his brother that he never wanted to speak to him again (they had a big blow out). And my H was following through. My H has told me and our therapist that he wants no contact with his brother or mother right now. My H told his brother and mother this as well. They are not respecting the boundaries he has set (and my H was weak and gave in). This is not me forcing him into it. It's just that his brother and mother are master manipulators and do their best to guilt him into doing what they want (his words). He had a slip up and lied about it to me. Yes, we have other problems but this is one that I'm dealing with at the moment. -E
Anonymous:
el123
I hear what you're saying. I don't think you forced your husband into cutting them off. I think you *asked* him to do it for the sake of the marriage. I also think he *hoped he could do it*. The therapist knows that these people are poison. However the therapist may not understand how powerful the attachment is, and how difficult it would be for your husband to maintain this boundary. I'm not sure how he thought your husband would be able to do it -- *even if* things got better (see next paragraph).
The sad fact is, when things start going better, people will frequently *revert* to their dysfunctional family and previous dependent behavior. I'm kind of surprised that your therapist didn't consider this possibility. I'm also surprised that the therapist believed your husband could cut these people off successfully. He's had decades of pathological life-or-death dependency on them. He feels he cannot survive without them, although he intellectually knows they're poison.
Anyway, I hope you can get an emergency martial counseling appointment because things are really critical right now.
BTW My husband was virtually the slave of his mother so I know what you're talking about.
bunny
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