Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Please help; hanging on by a thread
Learning:
Hi El,
I am pretty new to this forum and I am not sure if I have anything to offer you in the way of advice. I just want to say that I am sorry you are going through this. I believe you will find your way through because it sounds like you are taking the right steps. Keep on going.
Please take care of yourself and those little kiddies!
mighty mouse:
Hi El123,
I hope I don't sound too lame but have you tried "call block" on your phone?
And you can block emails so they go directly into the delete file.
I know these are just band aids..you have a serious problem. But these things helped me when I had to cut off my NPD stalker sister. She literally would invade my space at every oportunity. She then sent me snail mail which I treated like toxic waste and shredded immediately.
Have you thought about physically moving so that it would be easier for your H to resist? About 3000 miles away sounds almost right. But even that might not help if H doesn't have the resolve to do the above. Actually, what I did worked very well. I HAD to kick sis out of my life because she was destructive. But I had the understanding and resolve to do it. It may or may not work for you.
Again, this is just something you can try. And I would screen any calls before picking up the phone and have H get in the habit as well. Heck you can take the phone off the hook as well and get a cell phone for emergencies. Or change your number completely. Think outside the box on this one. Your H isn't strong enough to change but maybe a lessening of temptation can help you limit the contact with BIL and MIL. Treat him like the little boy that he is......I'd take away his check book privileges as well. You seem to have one more kid than you thought. This guy is not a real partner, I hope he has redeeming qualities. Good luck to you.
MM
Anonymous:
write, It's great to hear that things are better with you since you made your decision for you H to move out. Do you have children? How are they handling it? Just wondering because I've actually thought of this but the kids prevent me from it (thinking of how it will affect them).
yes, took my son a while to accept but everyone's a lot happier.
Really if you think about it your kids aren't old enough to have the responsibility for your marriage, that's how I looked at it. Also: do I want to be a role model for unhappy/ dysfunctional marriage for them in the future?
We still spend a lot of time together as a family and it's a lot more relaxed.
el123:
I see your point, bunny. But HE is the one who said that he wanted to cut them off to begin with. Are you saying that it sounds like there's no hope here? That there's no chance for change? I do have an appointment with my therapist on Saturday and so does my H.
Learning, thank you for saying it sounds like I'm taking the right steps. I'm so confused right now that this really helps.
MM, I think I will get call block. H would have to get it at work too, though (not sure if he can there. He has his own office and phone but not sure if they allow it there. I'll see about that). Moving doesn't sound half bad and yes, I have thought of it but my daughter is in school and the other two have little friends here and all of the people I love live here so that would be worse for me I think. Yes, he does have redeeming qualities. That's the thing that gets me! It would be so easy if he was a complete a*h*, ya know? But he's not! He took a week off of work so that I could visit my best friend in Paris. Didn't complain about the money. He helps with the kids. He encourages me in my writing (I'm writing a book). Even bought me a comfortable computer chair and carefully filed all my pages in a neat way so that I could check to see how many pages/words I had, he is so so wonderful in so many ways! Almost everyone who meets him/knows him tells me what a nice guy he is. And he really can be! 90 percent of the time he is a sweetheart. And he's the father of my children and they love him and he loves them. He helps out with them, etc. I don't want a divorce! I want things to work out SO BADLY!!! I just don't know how to trust him after all of this and he's got issues from his past (but he's working on them in therapy). I'm so confused and don't know what to do. One minute I think that I can't stand another day with him and the next minute I just want to hug him and tell him that we'll work it out together. He tells me that he loves me all the time. He has never cheated on me or hurt me physically or done anything so outrageous that I could say "ok, this is it". Now I'm rambling. I think I need help figuring out what to do. What is normal, what is not. Growing up with a N mom has made me question what normal boundaries are and has given me severe trust issues. -E
Anonymous:
Greetings El,
I am so sorry to hear about the painful and complicated situation you are in. It sounds so stressful.
I just wanted to add to what others observe in that your H's behavior is similar to a drunk trying to stay sober in a cocktail lounge. He had a relapse. No wonder he is defensive. Better yet, it is almost like he is a crack baby who, through no fault of his own, is addicted to crack. It is going to be a long, long road to get him off the "stuff".
I think one of the hardest things to realize is that one really cannot change another person. They have to want to change themselves. This is the A#1 lesson I learned and am still learning. It sounds like he is trying but it's going to be incredibly difficult. Perhaps you can reward him for how long he has gone without contacting them, or allowing them to contact him?? You know, some really basic behavior modification stuff (if he is willing to go along with such a program)? I know you wanted him off cold turkey but that may not be biologically possible.
You may want to look at your responses as well. What can you do with your anger at a relapse besides yell at him (which would affect how honest he can be with you). If you do not yell at him when he messes up, he can be more open. You can express your disappointment but also find some encouragement to do better next time, perhaps.
Perhaps I sound a little pollyanna in an incredibly abusive situation. But try to take a step back if you can. I hope this helps a little bit. Hang in there. Seeker.
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