every day is a struggle

[alone48]

Sorry, I haven't been on the board lately but I have definetly missed it. I have now been at my new job for almost four weeks. Today I really listened to myself and realized how much damage I had allowed N to perpetuate. I have a three month training period and feel extremely stupid, but of course I had been in my previous job for 16 years (what would a normal person expect)/ I am continually calling myself stupid and today finally heard how it must sound to others. I am vowing to try my DARNDESTto give this job a fair chance and quit beating myself up.

It has been eight weeks of NC, sometimes I didn't think I could do it, but so far I have managed. I hate myself for wasting four years on someone who could have cared less. The main thing that keeps me honoring the NC is the fact he will dismiss me if I were to call now. He writes people out of his life as if they never existed. I have been banished. I supposethat's better than the alternative.

I am sorry for the rantings, but this board is the only place I feel safe without judgement on not just letting go of my feelings. thanks 

[isittoolate]

Hi alone

Are you in a new job whereby you use your previous skills?---along with a training perios, or are you meaning a test period

Just never let me hear that you call yourself 'stupid'---ever, ever, again!!!! your past experience speaks for itself (just as mine does and I never called myself stupid.)

But I can tell you I felt ashamed to have been conned by an  N. Don't hate yourself, work your way back to asking WHY did you attract an N?

I know why I did. Money and being alone so much of my life. I have a godsend in that we moved 2000 miles away and I am still here far away from my toxic family. None can just drop in for coffee, unexpectedly.     

I used to say, angrily, "And I paid ½ his way out here and now I say, with a smirk, "And he paid ½ my way out here."

So the N is Banishing you. You must Banish the N. Learn to live as though he never existed and eventually you will be laughing at his stupid antics.

S'ok to rant. Lots of peple rant on this Board!

Izzy

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[lighter]

((alone))

I wish I could change the unkind words in your head (and replace them with gentle words fo yourself.)

I wish I could help you believe that this dark time is just a void you're traveling through.... it doesn't last forever.

I wish you could look at those 4 years as a HUGE growing experience.... you'll realize you gained more than you lossed,  eventually.

Being dismissed by something toxic, selfish and irrational......



 isn't the worst thing that could happen to you.  

[Hopalong]

Hang in there, Smart48,

You'll know you're turning the corner when one day soon you'll wake up and "get it" that:

Being dumped by a narcissist is a radiant, breaking-dawn, free-at-last-thank-god-almighty BLESSING!

Don't you worry, hon. That day is on its way. Promise.

love
Hops

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((alone)))))))))))
The beginning is always the hardest time. After a while, you will start to have a few good days, and then you will have mostly good days. Before you know it, the fear and wounds are covered up. You will still remember the pain, but it will be so much less painful. Ns trick us. They use us. So you are mad not only at the N, but at yourself. Let that go. We can only make a difference when we start with TODAY. You won't make the same decision again. You learned a painful lesson. It is behind you.
Please rant and rave whenever you want!!!!! It helps you and it helps us.
Love, Beth

[Ami]

Dear Alone,
  I have missed you. We have had some wonderful "talks"
  I think that my current pain is often a repetition  of deep childhood pain.
   I don't feel so overwhelmed now with my "bad" emotions b/c I have tools to face them and root them out.
  I see them as opportunities to grow. Also, maybe I see myself as "worth it",now. Why not?
  I am worth being whole and you are too,Alone.
  Keep writing and sharing. S/one(maybe Bradshaw ) said that healing was "messy". It is.
  You have to find the "you" that was there a long time ago, before any abuse. Love to you    Ami

(((((((((((((Alone)))))))))))))

[Gabben]

So the N is Banishing you. You must Banish the N. Learn to live as though he never existed and eventually you will be laughing at his stupid antics.

Yes, it is Ok rant...that is how I made my first impression

Agreed with Izzy up there in that My N friend shunned me or banished me, it pushed buttons in me around my N mom, which brought up pain and lots of it. It has taken me three months to finally feel OK and move past her, N friend who happened to be a therapist. Now if I was ever to see her I would run before she sees me - her toxin is poisen.

I can relate to a period in the last few months when I was beating myself up and feeling self hatred. Now I focus on my healing and feeling emotions which has helped to calm the mean insults I can make on myself.


I'm glad you came here and I hope you keep coming to rant or whatever you need. The more you spill and cry your heart out the better it will feel. Tears wash our eyes so that we can see better.

Love,
Lise

[alone48]

Thank you so much to all of you. I guess I don't understand how you can KNOW something is so bad but still miss it. Logical is one thing, the heart is another. I want to hurt him too, but from all I've learned, that is impossible. At least by the standards we hurt. Then again I would only be buying into him. One day soon, My girlfriend said she laughed when her sister told her that she never really had loved her ex husband.....obviously she did at one  time. Hopefully I can say that about N one day soon and you all can laugh with me. Thanks again Have a HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

[Ami]

My post just erased. I wanted to tell you, Alone, that it is 'normal" for you to miss and yearn for him. IMO, you are missing and yearning for many "other' people (past relationships),as well .
 That is how it is for me. A current situation brings up all the unhealed emotions of past situations.It is an opportunity for me to try to re-set the "old buttons'.
 I am going through that ,now, just as you are Alone.
 Keep writing.I love to hear your honesty.                Love  Ami


((((((((((((Alone))))))))))))

[lighter]

My girlfriend said she laughed when her sister told her that she never really had loved her ex husband.....obviously she did at one  time. Hopefully I can say that about N one day soon and you all can laugh with me.

It may be that your girlfriend's sister realized that she wasn't in love with her ex husband....ever.... at all. 

That's the case when we realize we fell in love with an idea or some very good acting job, KWIM?

Forgive yourself for feeling the way you do.  Be patient and think about the boundaries you should be setting in order to take care of yourself.

Soon enough..... there will be opportunities to replace your ex. 

Your stomach will thrill again and he'll fade into the distance.

Now...... what are you going to YES to, next time?

That's why you need the self care boundaries...... you don't want to keep repeating this kind of painful relationship.  Too painful.

RULE:  Nice men don't try to turn your NO into YES. 

They honor your feelings and want you to be happy too.

BAD MEN start out telling you they honor your feelings and want you to be happy...... then they look at you and expect you to reciprocate, and YOU DO!  Right?

The catch is..... your now stuck in a DOING FOR THEM mode, with nothing in return if you don't watch them carefully and refuse to accept that treatment.  That's setting and protecting a boundary when you walk away, as opposed to accept. 
But they don't continue to give. 

I know what they offer feels so warm and nice and happy...... like we want HOME to feel like. 

If you set that boundary and they aren't going to honor it......  the bad boys begin telling you why what you're giving isn't quite up to snuff...... what you COULD be doing better or more or harder.  Things will go back to feeling good, for you, if you can just make them happy enough.  ::nod::

Makes sense right? 

Ummmmm... NO!  It doesn't.  And you SAY that IF you're protecting your boundaries. 

If you ask for something...... you're made to feel guilty and maybe they talk about what you're not doing well enough again.

Maybe they make you feel guilty all the time or just when you bring up something you need, or want or something that's unfair.


It's a deal breaker.  You have to know what your deal breakers are.... and be willing to walk away, instead of make excuses.  DO NOT MAKE THE FIRST EXCUSE!  That's another rule...::nod::

 You just know you want to feel the way they made you feel in the beginning but the red flags should tell you...... its just a dream and it won't happen no matter how hard you try.  Time to cut bait, pull yourself up straight and enforce those boundaries. 

It feels really weird to enforce a boundarie. 

::whispering:: That's not a rule.... it;s just the truth.  You still have to do it though, if you don't want to go through all this pain again. 

So.... IF you do make excuses and begin trying to make sense out of their explanations for why you feel empty and uncared for NOW.... they keep telling you it's your fault.  How convenient for them and  how confusing for you.

RULE:  Believe your instincts, esp when the facts support them and not what MR. Wonderful Bait and Switch is saying.

And so, if you're still listening to him and trying to believe him....... with a little reward/punishment conditioning..... you're agreeing with him just so he'll throw you a bone every once in a while or not be so awful and cause you distress.

NOW WHERE ARE YOU?   Yikes ville for sure.

It just spirals deeper down the rabbit hole till you look around and you've helped him convince everyone around you that things are just honkey dorey, you're coming out of left field with these crazy accusation make you look.... ummmm.... a little unbalanced to say the least.  Esp if he's driven you quite mad, doubting yourself for many years.

(Yes, I realize this turned into a rant but...... it helps me to rant: )

Very important to have your boundaries in order and that you're able to protect them past the point where he's got your toes curling and your making OOOhhhhh OOOhhhhhh noises

Ahem..... I also want to say that those sentimental feelings are tied to being unhappy in your life right NOW.

That's human nature..... it's what we do when we're in the void.... when our lives are full and happy.

Do something about that and the feelings for him will fade. 

Your in the void.  Everyone goes there.  Everyone comes out.  Believe that it will be ok..... work on educating yourself about making better choices in the future then be prepared to say NO to the unworthy things......

so you can say YES to the worthy. 

Happy Thanksgiving, I wish you serenity and peace today: )

[gratitude28]

Alone,
I had a 6 year relationship before I met my husband. I still think about the guy... I probably always will once in a while. But I am so thankful I didn't marry him and I can see how destructive the relationship was for me. It happened. It was OK at the time (most of the time). It's part of my past and  growing tool for me.
Soon you will start to feel this way too, I believe. You wouldn't have the chance to grow now if you had not experienced that pain. That bad relationship led to a better YOU.
Love, Beth

[changing]

Hi 48-

I am sorry that you have suffered so much, and hope that youfeel better (((((Alone48)))))

The good news it that this is just the beginning- as Izzy says you will soon see how fantastic your life has become without that swinish N. I can understand how the many major chnages you are facing now can be overwhelming- It is exhausting to go through even one transformation at a time-but it is exciting as well - we are so blessed to have so many choices and opportunities to improve and seek our joy- no arranged marriages, not lifelong servitude, we can learn and grow. Your life is only going to get better and happier now!!!

Hang in there, and post when you can.

Love,

Changing
 

[betr4]

This is a very loving place to be.
Thank you for sharing how you feel and what you are going through.
Getting past the n behaviors is hard work emotionally for sure and life itself, much less with a n is dificult. 
Starting over at a job used to be the worst for me.  But I do remember that once I was training and day after day, I waited for the hard stuff.  I would think, when does the real work begin?  Then I realized that I was already doing the work and I was just projecting - like what else there was and what I  couldn't do or what would happen.
I finally settled into the job and everything I had been doing was all there was to it.
My fear was looming large. 
I hope you do well and give yourself credit for all you do.
The love and support here really encourage me.  There are loving people in this world.
Thanks, BR