There is something that I have been wondering about. Do other N's seek out other N's? Now this may seem obvious and I know that the answer is a resounding yes, but I guess I'm wondering if people can give some more insight to this idea.
My N therapist was close friends with a mutual friend, the church N. The church N is a wealthy lady who could buy her friends. At first she roped people in by buying them with money and gifts; this was disguised as generosity and warmth. The Church N had this way of making wrong seem right.
Once she had you slightly hooked in her world, she would start asking you to do things for her, grocery shop, walk her dogs etc..
From time to time I would have dinner with her as I would sit and listen to her talk about her other friends, of course under the guise of caring. At someone point, since all conversation with the Church N eventually led to gossip, I started wondering what she was saying about me.
After about a year of friendship with Church N and while attending her parties I began to feel a coldness and distance from her other friends. I knew it was because she was saying something about me to them, I could feel it and NO I'm not paranoid.
It was if Church N wanted to be surrounded by popularity more than friends (her friends were objects). When church N brought her friends gifts it was because deep inside she didn't believe that just being herself was good enough to have friends. Then church N would gossip about everyone to everyone in an attempt to control and make sure her friends did not get too close to each other, perhaps they might end up talking about her, I don't know why she kept people pitted against each other with gossip?
Saint therapist N loved Church N. They were buddies. Church N let saint N have full run of her house in order to conduct her spiritual direction and therapy sessions. Church N babysat saint N's son. They were a pair.
What is so interesting to me is that Church N does have a warmth about her. She is extremely generous but only if others are watching or know about the fat check she is writing to whatever organization she is giving too. She gives and then would tell her friends all that she gave and to who. Nevertheless she gives and I think that Saint N whose mom was cold (she told me once) was seeking to fulfill her mom wish for respect and warmth through Church N.
After about a year and a half of the toxic mess of friendship, with these two woman, I just got tired of it and slowly pulled away. I just wanted to get free of what felt like a junkyard of insults, gossip, projection and exploitation by these two woman who seemed to be puppets on strings for each other.
Are N's good at being friends with other N's? It would seem that this combination of N friendship (saint N with chruch N) did not serve to push buttons as they did for me instead it seems that these two N friends nurtured each others buttons.
Lise
