regret

[seasons]

Hi everyone,

I'm just going to through this out there because I need to get rid of it. I acted terrible yesterday tg, I projected all my anger, hurt and anxieties on the ones I and who love me. What a selfish jerk I was~

I was silently yelling,

Help
I'm in pain
I remember
I can't forget
I can't forgive
can't you seen what they have done?
it's not o.k.
I'm tired
I'm shaking
I'm afraid
I'm afraid when he (Bil) looks at me he wants to hurt me ( this is not physically true, but how I internalize it)
Someone tell me the SEE it TOO, unfair of me again to project me onto others.

I was a basket case. I don't like who I was, how I acted, what I carried with me. I didn't like what I was projecting. I am ashamed of myself.
Because of all the yucky N stuff I have inside I let it overcome me in such a huge wave. I was letting it build up and wow yesterday it was all over me.

I believe someone (sorry I don't remember who) mentioned N's never think of us, which I know is true, yet sometimes they get all of me and the results of 24/7 of thinking of them, what they did, could do, will do etc.
Is sick, just looking at this in black and white is sick. I need to let them go.

I can be prepared and safe without being reading for a combat mission all the time.

Looking towards a healthier perception of life. Thanks seasons

[Ami]

Dear Seasons,
  As s/one said to me,'You're inner child came out". It was an old tape. I really, really hate when I act totally iinapproriately and know it,BUT can't stop it(often--bleh). Oy--You should see me at the dentist.
  Seasons, then we beat ourselves up , as you seem to be doing.
  I think that you can use it as a learning experience. You are sharing it.You will get responses so you will not feel so ashamed and alone.
 I am glad that you are here, Seasons. I really like your authenticity.                  Love   Ami


((((((((((((((((((Seasons))))))))))))))))))

[Lupita]

Seasons, what exactly happened? I understand that you think you were projecting and feel that you hurt your lovedones.

What what exactly happened, you said what and then they did what, etc.

So the friendly people here in the board can understand you better.

Everybody here cares about you.

[Leah]

Dear ((((( Seasons )))))

Looking towards a healthier perception of life.

And you are, Seasons, because here you are, pouring out your thoughts and feelings, which in itself, is healthy.

You're on your way!

Love & Hugs,

Leah

[seasons]

Thank you Ami so much for listening to me shed my shame. (seasons)

Lupita,
Hmmmm, what they did? Well same old behaviors, YET it could of been worse. I think I was prepared for the WORST and it really was tolerable. If few old remarks that I took as leveling.
I was wearing all the OLD pain, so I WAS LOOKING FOR IT, the FOOs stuff.

Like I said I felt like I was ready for battle, when in hindsight their was no battle. Just minor stuff I made bigger than it was.
Ami made a good point about OLD TAPES, yes that sounds very familiar to me right now.

I let my frustration out on my own family by fretting, over anxious ( I'm sure not pleasant to be around), not cheerful. I am sad I did not have a clean and true spirit. It surely was not there yesterday.

I really do don't want to ever do this again. I know better. No excuse except to change my spirit from deep down. Don't let old garbage runith over me.
I need to be kinder to others and remember so many have no clue and it's not my job to dump my stuff on them and expect loving people to fix old wounds, thats for me to do.

So I am going work on me instead of working on the Foo which I have no control of.

With much appreciation for all of your gentle ways, a soft and safe place to come. (((seasons)))

[seasons]

Thanks ((Leah)), I hope so! I really am trying.

love seasons ......to better days ahead

[Leah]

So I am going work on me instead of working on the Foo which I have no control of.

Well done you, Seasons.

Love,

Leah

[Hopalong]

Lord above, Seasons.
I thought when you gave the details it might involve furniture smashing or baby pinching.

I let my frustration out on my own family by fretting, over anxious ( I'm sure not pleasant to be around), not cheerful.

Doggone, hon.
I believe none of this was BAD. You were just having a tough time.

Love yourself. That means, jeez, you can be fretful and in a weird mood.

That means, it's okay to be a person who's having a tough time and show it that way. So WHAT.

You're allowed to feel the way you feel!

(((((((((((Seasons))))))))))))))

Love to you,
Hops

[changing]

(((((Seasons)))))-

It's OK to be cranky, or tired, or wary. You are a very nice person , who is human, with ups and downs and vulnerabilities. Everyone ( especially me) has snapped, barked, growled, snarled or howled at one time or another, and then later upon reflexion, become perplexed and embarrassed about their actions. Including everyone that you were with on the occassion in question ! I don't think you mentioned taking off with the good silver or setting the house afire?

I think that perhaps you didn't feel safe and secure in the situation that you were in. I know that I can be jumpy when I am with people who I don't feel comfortable with. You have the right to protect yourself, even if it doesn't fit everyone else's agenda. Please relax and don't worry about anything that you perceive as imperfect conduct. In time this too shall pass! Seasons, you are just fine in my book!!!

Love,

Changing

[seasons]

Hops,

It's o.k. to be weird? No their was no earth shattering events. So I guess it could of been worse.

Thanks for making me   today. That felt good. (seasons)

On a better note, my girls came home from shopping at 4:30 a.m. ! LOL
They had a ball, were silly, happy and found tons of great deals. They loved showing off all the lovely gifts the found. I was able to enjoy the moment, joy with them. I felt better in my own skin.  

[seasons]

Oh..... Changing thank you for such sweetness. You are so very kind and generous. ((hugs))

An odd thing happened to me this a.m. As I'm feeling yucky and sad about being less than yesterday, when my youngest dd was whittling around be a bit in the kitchen as I was making coffee.
I had that mommy feeling something was up. We were alone as her older sisters were out shopping when all of a sudden she burst into tears.
I hugged her and asked what was the matter, she is a very sensitive thoughtful young girl. And she said she had to tell me she said something not nice yesterday and wanted to tell me. Like me get it off her chest.
Long story short. Older sis told her to be Thankful for her family it was TG, they were getting on eachothers nerves at that point.
When my youngest said no I'm not thankful. After she said it she said sorry right away because that wasn't the truth.
As she is still crying on my shoulder I explained that older sister new she didn't mean it and of course excepted her apology and not to still worry about what she said, a mistake all gone, all better.
Poor thing was still carrying that with her a day later.
As I blew it away from her shoulders and asked her if it was all gone. She said yes, but didn't know I was blowing it away for the both of us.
Gosh even little kids put HUGE expectations on themselves at this time of year. We are not perfect. But love is so kind. seasons

[changing]

Seasons, you made me cry- I adore the instinct that you had for your little one to "blow it all away"- so wonderful!!! And then, you gave the same loving gift to yourself!!! Beautiful, and you are an awesome mommy!!! I will try to "blow things away" that trouble me in my life. Thank you so much!

Love,

Changing

[Hopalong]

((((((((((((((Seasons and her precious little daughter)))))))))))))

melllllt,
Hops

[Gabben]

Everyone ( especially me) has snapped, barked, growled, snarled or howled at one time or another, and then later upon reflexion, become perplexed and embarrassed about their actions. Including everyone that you were with on the occasion in question ! I don't think you mentioned taking off with the good silver or setting the house afire?

Hi Seasons,

You have my compassion...it hurts when we beat ourselves up (I can beat  myself up for beating myself up). Like Changing said above, yes I too have barked or snapped or lashed out more than I care to admit. I give myself a break, you and I  have had a lot to be angry about. We were treated so wrong by people in our life. So... it comes out every once in a while.

I almost lost it three times to day. I slammed three cabinet doors and one fridgedoor. I wanted to tell my bully roommate off. Instead I went up into my room shut the door and silently screamed as much hurt and anger out has I could. I feel better now. It all had nothing to do with her anyway

Here for you.

Lise

[lighter]

Seasons... sorry you had a tough time.

It's not clear to me what you reacting to, though.

You say that you overreacted to small things..... but what were the small things?

Why were you reacting at all?

Is your BIL an N?

I don't remember your story.

I want to say that.... just bc you overreacted doesn't mean you weren't reacting to something that was wrong, in the first place.

It's OK to let your guard down.... if no one's attacking.  It's not appropriate though..... if you're not in safe company, IMO. 

Sounds like you feel better but..... just not sure if you're seeing what happened clearly.