I feel alone

[Gabben]

Today, Thanksgiving, is a day of loneliness for me. Despite that I spent the day with some friends and ate a wonderful meal, I feel a sinking all-over painful loneliness mixed with sadness.

This Thanksgiving I told my NM that I was not going to spend the holiday with her. She was very upset - I felt guilty. But I knew that I needed to stop taking care of her needs and separate from her once and for all. I am a separate person; her needs, agendas and emotions are not mine nor are they my responsibility and they are not my fault.

I didn't realize how much letting go of the disillusionment of togetherness, the meshing of me and my moms needs, would open-up the well of my repressed loneliness, it is an ache.

For years I have lived  a 4 hour drive from my moms house. I have been financially independent. I keep my affairs, internal and external, private from her. She know very little of me and I long ago, in my late teens, I stopped trying to reach out to her for any kind of support, it was more like banging my head into a wall anyway. I suppose I have been physically and mentally separated from my NM for a long time. But today something shifted - I became willing to let go, take a leap of faith and trust that my mom will live, or survive, without my being there to affirm her needs. I have been the adult and she the child for so long. Now she is still the child and I am the separate adult (with a child within) who does not have to takecare of her anymore. I feel sad and alone because I am now the separate "I". I'm grieving the disillusionment of togetherness that has been my friend and I am grieving all that I gave up of myself in order to survive.

Day's like this I wish I could be serving and eating with the people in shelters who come, this one day of the year, to get a larger than normal meal and get out of the cold, the homeless:

 They understand how it feels to not be seen.

 They understand how if feels to not be heard.

 They understand how it feels to not be valued.

 They understand how it feels that no one cares about them.

 They understand exploitation.

 They understand oppression.
 
 They understand what it feels like to not be wanted.

 Next year I am going to spend the day at a homeless shelter not because I can serve up some food but because I can serve up a smile, warmth and genuine acknowledgement for their sufferings. I can look them in the eye with a bright gleam of love and silently convey that I know how they feel and I care.

Lise

[Ami]

Dear Lise,
  I so understand your line about greiving the "illusion of togetherness". Are you refering to letting the idea of any decent mother -daughter relationship go?
  My heart aches for you. If you mean that(above).,It is a very hard grief. The natural order of things is that a mother takes care of us. The "bruised" order of things is that we take care of them and , also, have all the other pain that comes with N.
  Lise,I am so glad that you are here. You have brightened my life up from that first night you arrived when I was struggling as badly as you are now.
  I wish that you could have a cup of tea with me. Mimi would snuggle in your lap and give you kisses. I am so sorry that you are hurting.       Love    Ami

(((((((((((((Lise)))))))))))

[Gabben]

Oh Ami,

You have no idea how comforting your words are to me. Yes, I am hurting, crying tears as I write this. You have no idea how much YOU have helped me. I wish we could have that cup of tea too. I will hold mimi anyway, in my thoughts.

Yes, I am letting go of the illusion that my mom was ever a "mom" to me. I am grieving deeply all that never happened. I'm going to reach out in prayer to Mother Mary tonight -- who knows I may have break through.


I have to run now to attend another gathering.

Happy Thanksgiving Ami,

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Love,
Lise

[sunblue]

Hi Gabben:

Sadness and loneliness is natural, especially at this time of year and particularly when you struggle with an N relationship.  I feel the same way you do.  I spent Thanksgiving alone today.  My Nmom and co-D dad spend the holiday weekend with my Nsis.  I chose not to spend the holiday with my "healthy" brother because I just couldn't deal with it all and I know he doesn't understand or want to understand what I go through.  It is sad to realize that nothing will change and that you will not have the relationship with the N in your life you want and deserve.  Especially at this time of year, when we are bombarded with images of happy families who love and care about each other, it is hard to face the truth.  It is hard to be alone too.  For me it is also hard to deal with the fact that I know the Ns in my life don't struggle for a single, solitary second with the damage they caused and the loss of family members and others in their lives because of their behavior and choices.  While I struggle with these thoughts every day, it is so disconcerting to know that they do not spend a second thinking of me.  But that's a narcissist for you. They are selfish and self-centered to their core.

I'm glad you had good friends to spend the day with.  You got shortchanged, as did everyone who comes from an N family or been involved with an N loved one.  It's not fair.  But all we can do is keep trying to get better, to not let them ruin one more day of our lives.

[alone48]

Gabben,

Though it's your NM, I can totally relate. I was driving home from work yesterday, just cryng because i felt so alone. The one thing I have learned here is that this is something we need to go thru to get to the other side. Letting go of the illusion is so hard, but living it is worse. It certainly sounds like you had a wonderful day with friends and people that care about you and next year when you share that there will be even more people that are glad you are there. Happy Thanksgiving.

[axa]

Lise,

It sounds to me as if you are mourning the loss of a relationship every daughter has a right to, that of a mother daughter relationship.  It is very hard when you understand that that will not happen and I do believe that one has to go through the mourning process to be free of the ties of it.  I know I did.  When my mother died a number of years ago I was surprised that I did not feel any loss until I understood that I had gone through all that loss years before when I let go of the illusion that I had a loving mother.

Hope you are feeling a bit easier today and the truth is that you have to go through it to be free it of, hard work, painful but worth it.

Axa

[Ami]

Dear Lise,
   I wanted to write more on this subject,today.I have been on the board for about a year. I was way too close to the edge ,emotionally, when I found the board.
  I don't know if I can describe this.   I ,always, felt like my M was with me. She was almost a "spirit" that was next to me, especially when I was sick or hurt. I wanted to be sick and hurt b/c then she would come and take care of me ... I lived in this semi-fantasy world.  I had three primary emotions--fear, depression and numb. I was on auto---pilot. I did not feel or think.
  In this fantasy state,I had a M who loved me. She really would be there for me,if I needed her.. I could "keep' her in my life if I stayed like this. I could  be the beloved D if I was in this  fantasy world. I stayed in it from age 14 until now.
  The truth is the  the healer. Vaknin's book brought me out of denial. I had the kind of grief that you are talking about ,now.  The grief is the way out. It is part of the healing. You will be 'diminished" if you do not walk through it.I was diminished in certain ways. the ways may be different,but you will be diminshed if you don't grieve ,just the way you are.
   I still have the "scary" feeling that I am not "right".On another thread,I see how I reject any 'N" spots in me( as Hops calls them).
  I wil not be whole until I can embrace them. That is the very uncomfortable place I find myself in,now.
   Lise, when you don't know which way to go remember the Scripture---You shall know the truth and the truth will MAKE you free. The '"Truth" will do the work for you. You just have to face it and you ARE .
  Lise--you are an inspiration to me.                                               Love   Ami

(((((((((((Lise))))))))))

[Hopalong]

this is something we need to go thru to get to the other side. Letting go of the illusion is so hard, but living it is worse.

Well put, Alone.

I am so glad that people here are being open about loneliness, naming it, sharing it. It is a wonderful gift to the self to allow that particular sorrow, without shame.

Much love and comfort to all who are feeling this pain.

Hops

[changing]

Dear Gabben-

It is so natural to yearn for family during the holidays- a deep universal tribal yearning. It is  natural to feel a primal need for the special nurturing of a mother, to guide and care for you . I am sorry that you are having to deal with these feelings , without the love and protection of a loving and good mother.

You deserve to be petted and admired and loved and pampered during this special time, and so does the child within. Now that you are no longer seeking what you need where it cannot be found, you can turn your heart elsewhere. The time that you free up can be used for you, to nurture your talents, accomplishments and dreams, and to tend relationships with people who truly care for you in a healthy way. This is not only Thanksgiving , but a birthday of sorts for you- you are redefining yourself and giving yourself the essentials for living freely and happily. (((((Lise))))) I hope that you have a great holiday, and know that you are a valuable and lovable person- the world needs you!!!

Love, Changing

[seasons]

Much love and warm thoughts sent to you Lise.

Next year I am going to spend the day at a homeless shelter not because I can serve up some food but because I can serve up a smile, warmth and genuine acknowledgement for their sufferings. I can look them in the eye with a bright gleam of love and silently convey that I know how they feel and I care.

Lise

That sounds lovely. What a gift for you as well as others. I feel your caring heart and am so glad to have you here new friend.

(((seasons)))

[Gabben]

For me it is also hard to deal with the fact that I know the Ns in my life don't struggle for a single, solitary second with the damage they caused and the loss of family members and others in their lives because of their behavior and choices.  While I struggle with these thoughts every day, it is so disconcerting to know that they do not spend a second thinking of me.  But that's a narcissist for you. They are selfish and self-centered to their core.

Dear Sunblue,

Thank you for your kind words and insights it was very helpful to read your post. One thing that helps coping with loneliness is knowing that I'm not alone in feeling alone. Your encouragement and warmth is strengthening to me.

Blessings,
Lise

[Gabben]

you are redefining yourself and giving yourself the essentials for living freely and happily. (((((Lise))))) I hope that you have a great holiday, and know that you are a valuable and lovable person- the world needs you!!!

Hi Changing,

So true.

Thank you for your kind post.
Peace,
Lise (((((((((CHANGING))))))))))

[Gabben]

Hops, axa, & alone48,

Thank you for your kind words, encouragement and the time that you extended to acknowledge my hurt. It helps mores than you know.

Peace,
Lise

[Leah]

Oh ((((( Lise )))))

Truly, I know how that feels, with sincerest empathy.

Love to you,

Leah