Having feelings

[betr4]

Today I was around kind and loving people.  I forgot, living with a n is a horrible way to live.  I was trapped because of my own neglect of myself and knowing how to find a way out.  I almost gave up.  Even knowing what I know now, it can still be a trap for me with the nh.
Emotions really come to the surface at meetings to do with recovery and as hard as it is to feel them, I am grateful that somehow I was put where I could gather strength and awareness.  And feel my feelings.
I hope this horrible life with the n is ending as I progress in recovery.

It does make me aware of what pain and suffering others are going through that do not have recovery and are in the pain of living in the n nightmare relationship.

I feel sad right now and am able to cry for the first time is a long time.  I had gotten so shut down from trying to extricate myself and live a halfway normal existence.  My whole family is gone and I wouldn't even grieve because I was with the n off and on.

A real definite point for me is that even when I am not in the pain when with the n, my feelings and emotions automatically shut down and I did not realize it.

This saddness is a relief because I miss my family, my daughters and grandchildren that the n almost subtly con vinced me didn't matter to me like they don't matter to him.  This has happened to me my whole life with my mother and now this nh.  I want to feel and be myself.
Thanks, BR

[Ami]

I really understand what you are saying about being shut down.I have been numb since age 14. It hurts to feel feelings,but it is "alive",not 'numb' and dead like you are when you shut them down.
  Keep sharing all the steps along the way.
  It is really hard to recover from the N parent and then the N H.
   The hardest part is that now all the pain is IN us. I am sorry that you are hurting,but glad you are here.    Love    Ami

(((((((((Betr4))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

Hi BR,
I sense your sorrow...welling up to the surface where you can begin
to release it. That's a cleansing thing, that will soon free your mind for clearer thought.

I hope you will soon be free and feeling your emotional "range of motion..." so you
can start to create a more meaningful, connected-to-what-matters-to-you kind of life.

Maybe if you ask yourself, what makes me feel I need to remain in bondage to this N?

Hops

[betr4]

I have t learn to have the emotiins for myself and not reactions.  And the bondage is the fear I guess of what I do want to do or maybe that I don't have an answer so I am waiting til I do.
I hope I am not waiting for someone to have the answer for me.  I want to live my own life and not knowing sometimes is a part of life.  I think I learned the pattern living with the n.  My pattern of emotions, not the n's pattern.  I never learned that pattern, there wasn't one.  I will have to learn a new way of thinking and feeling not attached to anyone else.  Undoing the patterns learned in a lifetime.  Relearning is hard but I am grateful for people like everyone here where I feel the support and the energy of living my own life and thinking my own thoughts.  And being accepted and okay when I do.  Detaching from the pain and floating into freedom which is open and scary at first. Thanks, BR

[Hopalong]

I sure understand that.
Stepping out, trusting that what you don't know won't be disastrous, is hard.

But it's probably better than bondage.

Keep trusting that impulse, your buried bird that wants to fly. Or wobble along.

Either's okay.

hugs
Hops

[Leah]

Dear (((((((( BR ))))))))))

It is so good that you are now able to cry, it truly is a good starting point, as it most certainly was at the beginning of my journey.  As the numbness subsides a little so the tears start to gently flow.

I like what Hops said, "your buried bird that wants to fly. Or wobble along. Either's okay."

Just keep taking those small wobbly steps and it won't be all that long before you are ready to take that first flight.

In your own time.

So glad that your are here 

Love & Hugs to you,

Leah

[Gabben]

Hi BR,

Good to read your post not in that you are hurting but in that you are embracing your pain and grieving. It sounds like you have so much to grieve for and that there is a sort of loneliness that goes along with it?

One of my favorite sayings is about how tears wash our eyes so we can see reality better.

I could feel your sadness and hurt as I read your post. My heart is with you.

Lise