Good afternoon, Isabella.
I was so thrilled to see that you posted to me, as I was hoping you hadn't decided to leave us. I have really learned a lot here and grown from the insights and input and prayers of these delightful board friends. I believe your input is just as important and precious to others, so thank you for addressing my thread.
I will try to give my personal views on what you shared, below, one at a time. I pray that you find some good stuff inside what I say and that maybe it will help you as you seek that balance in the current relationship with your mother.
The verses you post make a lot of sense, however, I am torn between those proverbs verses and then there is the 5th commandment (honor thy father and mother) and Ephesians (children obey your parents for this is right).
I am so glad you pointed this out. I think the discrepancy comes in the word "children." Personally, although we are the offspring of our parents, are we technically still their "children" to guide, direct, "boss around" etc? I don't believe so. I believe the balance comes in from the Bible verse "then shall a man leave his mother and a woman cleave to her husband." I think there is a break-off point between adult children and their parents. There is a point where we are to LEAVE that parental covering, and, hopefully come under the covering of our spouse or possibly just under God's covering or a mentor's.
When a young child is being abused, however, I believe that the break-off point must and should come earlier and the child should be transplanted into a loving, nurturing environment instead. In such a case, I'd say that the Bible tells us that a good man is even kind to his ANIMALS, and that Jesus notices even when 1 sparrow falls from the nest. Nobody can convince me that it has been, is or ever will be God's plan for someone, especially a child, to live under abuse and oppression, when Jesus Himself, died to set His people FREE from the yoke of bondage.
My Nmum loves to quote the 5th commandment. If i do not do her way, then i am disobeying God. In her mind, God put her on this earth to channel His wishes (like the Pope) and it is my DUTY to obey her at all costs and at any price. B/c she is "god's instrument" she has no accountability (except for God who she is certain she is 100% in good standing with).
Gosh, Isabella...I could SO RELATE to what you said here. X felt it was her job to point people in the exact direction of their destiny too. She believed that it was her DUTY, her MANDATE, her ASSIGNMENT, and, anyone she took under her wing, MUST go in that direction...problem was, she also switched the direction as you were heading there, so you were left with a no-win situation every time. Happily, eventually she came to realize it wasn't her job to be Holy Spirit. She was one who also felt she needed no accountability. Having a direct relationship with God was all she needed, in her eyes, yet expected others to be accountable to her, even if overtly. Although I definitely am pro-mentoring, I believe it works best if that mentor is accountable to another human representative in good standing with the Lord as well. It does make me feel much safer when that is the case.
By the way, the verse for that would be where Paul told his followers to not "seek to be teachers for teachers have the greater accountability" (soooooooooo, is your mother absolved from answering to God? NOPE...she is MORE REQUIRED TO, even just based on her position as a family leader (if that's what she still wants to throw at you now)
Also, she does not ever have to apologize to me for anything - EVER - (does god apologize?) Everything she ever does, she finds a bible verse to justify what she is doing. She has even used the proverbs verses you quoted to justify giving me the silent treatment and shunning her grandchildren (the sins of the mother - aka. me, pass onto my children.... if i am evil then they are also evil).
I think God RELENTS, but His will and plan is always perfect, so no, I don't think He apologizes, but there were times in the Bible where He showed regret.
As far as your mom using the very proverbs I quoted, to justify her ignoring you and shunning your children, here is another you can use with her "should a mother abandon her children or forget her sucklings? even if she does, I will take you back up." (said by the Lord Himself, so do you think HE approves of her silent treatment? I don't think so)
The bottom line is i still feel guilt and wonder if God is happy with my going no contact with my mother. I KNOW the stuff she does to me is evil and she is stubborn and full of pride (things God hates), but at the same time, she is my mother and children are commanded to HONOR their parents.
Ok, let me try and offer another strategy here. If you do not have peace about ANYTHING, Isabella, do not do it. If having no contact with your mother, just plain feels ICK to you, then perhaps setting boundaries would be a better idea. There is no ironclad law that says you must AVOID your mother at all costs. In fact, since that has been one of her weapons used on you and your children, perhaps you feel that you are stooping to her low level, by using it with her in a form. Why not maybe decide what is ACCEPTABLE with her and UNACCEPTABLE, and let her know that if she crosses the line of UNACCEPTABLE, you will be putting some time and space between you all. That is just one of many things you might try with her. It's hard with a true narcissist, I know. Nothing seems to phase them, other than being sure that they remain on Top and you remain UNDER THEIR FEET. But again, the Bible says that 'satan" is the ONLY one meant to be underfoot, NOT YOU...YOU, ISABELLA, GOD CALLS "HEAD AND NOT THE TAIL. ABOVE AND NOT BENEATH!"
How can i honor her, when i have cut her from my life? (Actually, she cut me off but i have NOT gone crawling back anymore since my operation)
Perhaps, if you feel safe doing so, and if you choose not to remain N/C with your mother, you could give her a short phone call, jot her a letter or something. Just keep your guard up if you opt for contact w/boundaries vs N/C
For what it was worth, those are my answers to your questions. Hope it helps some or at least gives someone something to consider
Blessya, Isabella and again, thanks so much for not leaving and still talking with me.
~Laura
