Suggestions from my T

[finding peace]

As far as contact with your dad, can you call him up to meet him for lunch.  Could you be very honest and tell him that you would like to see him and that you miss him, but that you can’t have your mother in your life?  Or is he so enmeshed that this would never work?  While my father was alive, it was very clear to me that my mother was so enmeshed that if forced to make a decision like this she would have chosen him, at any cost.  I would caution though, only do this if you are prepared to handle the pain it would cause if he chooses not to see you because of your mother.  I suspect he may be too enmeshed.

You said that M still wants to see her.  I know this is hard.  I don’t want to drag my kids into my problems with my mother.  She does treat them differently than she treats me, to some extent.  But, after what she has done to me, I don’t trust her to have my children’s welfare as a top priority over her own selfish needs and melodramas.  I have had to make the choice for my kids.  I pray that they don’t hate me for this someday, but it is a risk I cannot take.

You wrote about M’s father:

He has done some reading about mild a-spectrum disorders, but he thinks they are all bunk.

This jumped out at me as a very pink flag.  They are not bunk.  Even with mild a-spectrum disorders, the brain processes information differently.  Before I would let him near M, I would make sure he understands this very clearly.  I have a relative age 7, with PDD (mild autism).  He sees the world differently than most kids, and interacting with him requires that I adapt to how his brain works.  I cannot expect him to meet me where my brain works.  (This is true for all kids IMO.)

The only other concern I would have is why hasn’t he attempted to be a part of M’s life.  The grandparent’s as well.  Maybe you can meet with him and his family (a number of times) without M there and then make a decision. It would be wonderful for both you and M to have someone to rely on.  And it could enrich M’s life.  Again though I hate the thought of putting M through any upheaval if it doesn't work out. 


Peace

PS - I just read your post, you said:  I want to believe in the basic decency of people, but when it gets right down to it, the only person I really trust is myself.  I was this way too for a very long time.  I believe it comes from never having anyone to rely on as a child.  I think the only way to get past it is to take a risk.  But, make it an educated risk - learn everything you can about this person before you trust him with you or M.  Given that a child is involved, I would go so far as to have a background check performed (see how suspicious I am )

[tayana]

Peace,

I think my dad is too enmeshed for anything like just meeting him for lunch without my mom to work.  One, I can't even call him because he's always with my mom.  And since my mom is now ill again, I think he's all into taking care of her.  My mom does treat M somewhat differently than she treats me.  However, I've noticed that she has gotten more critical of M as he's gotten older.  What little I remember of my childhood was also like this.  She was decent when I was young, but then when I was a little older than M and just starting puberty she told me I wasn't her little girl anymore, and things went downhill fast.  Maybe it's because I was a girl.  I'm not sure.

Sperm Donor's beliefs about AS disorders was a bit of a flag for me too.  I will admit that M's symptoms present more like ADHD than AS, but I don't think it's bunk.  I don't think all of the problems can be traced back to my mom's influence either.  I also am a little put off by him wanting to be a part of M's life now, and the rather flimsy excuses he's given for not doing so sooner. We have discussed meeting, and he is at least compassionate about my concerns.  he's willing to do what I'm comfortable with and no more.  I dislike putting M through more upheaval than I just have to though.

FP, I'll take a risk eventually.  I do learn to trust eventually, but it takes a long time.  When I first started this job, my supervisor made a comment that I needed to trust her.  I thought, not on your life.  I couldn't explain to her though that I just don't trust people and prefer to rely on myself.

[lighter]

That's the thing about teh sperm donor...... having him in M's life and worrying about what that might look like.

You could drive yourself nuts with "what if's" ya know?

I still think he should be paying child support.

It's OK for you to ask and appropriate for M to be awarded that. 

He's entitled to that support so don't feel bad about asking for it.

ps I might do some homework before talking to Sperm Donor about it. His address, place of work, other information he won't be forthcoming with once he realizes you're asking for cs.

[Hopalong]

I think a background check is a brilliant idea, Peace.

Tay, hope you'll do that. Since you don't know him well and we all know how life can be, perhaps that would go a long way toward sorting out which fears of him are rational and which are old stuff that might unecessarily prevent M from knowing his father?

My D knows what a self-absorbed jerk her father was most of the time. But now that he's gone, she still cries for him...at 27. It does leave such a void for a kid.

That said, the background check would allow a more objective assessment of whether he might need to be kept out of M's life, or let in.

Plus, I think even if he came out smelling like a gardenia you'd still be wise to insist that he visit a child psychologist with you with the sole purpose of having the psych explain to him what the reality of M's diagnosis is, until he appears to take it seriously (not grimly, that's different)...BEFORE he gets involved with M. (M wouldn't even need to know about the appts.)

I'm glad you shared about the trust thing, Tay.

love to you,
Hops

[isittoolate]

Wow tayana

I thought, not on your life.  I couldn't explain to her though that I just don't trust people and prefer to rely on myself.

I could have written this.

I am the same way. When a promise is being made, I am accepting it until  it gets somewhere into me, or a certain amount of time goes by, the I don't beleive it will happen at all.

Then the same person, promise, repeat....................

My grandson who lives with his N father is learning the N ways unfortunately. He telephoned me a few months back, asking how to reach my brother, his great uncle and then he told me about THE BOOK of his near-fatal adventure was out in stores. He said he would have one autographed by the writer and send it to me, and I was thrilled about that.

I was off the phone about 2 seconds and said, "I'll never get that book", so went online and ordered my own.

Oh Boy! do I know what you mean! and have heard nothing since from my grandson.

Love
Izzy


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[tayana]

Thanks so much for the advice.  I really appreciate it.

Hops, I think a background check is an excellent idea.  I will have to do that.  I also think that having him visit a child psychologist is a great idea, because he doesn't really understand the reality.  He doesn't understand what living with it, 24/7 is like, or how hard some things are for M.  He thinks it's something that being away from my mom an in a better environment will fix.  The truth is, that might fix some, but not everything.

Izzy, I have done that very same thing.  People will promise me things, and I'll just go do it myself.  If I don't, I'll never get what they promised.  That's the sort of thing I don't do well at all.  I can believe that most people are good, but I can't trust that they'll do what they say they will.

Bean, that's very interesting.  I know nothing about investing money.  My parents were such poor money managers, that all I learned was that if you had money you should spend it.  I want to learn more, but I don't even know where to start.  I have a savings account, and some retirement accounts, but I don't know what I'm doing really.  I've been going to call my account manager and try to consolidate two accounts, but I haven't done that yet.  Pretty silly huh?  I understand what your saying.  I wonder if sperm donor would be willing do something like that, just put money into an investment account.  Then he knows that I'm not using for myself, that it's definitely going to M.  Maybe I'll ask . . .

Or would asking be too much?

[Hopalong]

I wonder if sperm donor would be willing do something like that, just put money into an investment account.  Then he knows that I'm not using for myself, that it's definitely going to M.  Maybe I'll ask . . .

Or would asking be too much?

HECK no, that's not too much!

It's just right!

Plus, it gives M's father an opportunity to clean up unfinished business and be more integrated with the fact that he IS a father, whether he's participated in the past or not. I think it is a gift to him as well, not a one-way street.

I love the idea of the education fund.

love,
Hops

[tayana]

Hey Bean, thanks for the information!  I'll look over those links, and maybe finally call the account manager in charge of my retirement account.  I do have one. 

Hops, I haven't asked yet.  I'm still working up the nerve.

[Iphi]

Personal finance and individual investing is my passion!  I know a lot about the basics because I always read about them (the basics - nothing fancy or elaborate - what average people need to know).  It's hard for me to describe the satisfaction it gives me, but it makes me feel really good, competent, practical, happy, industrious, empowered - to learn and manage my own money after being so controlled growing up.  It's the passion of making your own freedom and running your own life - it just feels good.  Also there is satisfaction in knowing you are doing something that is so different than your FOO could understand.  It's truly new. 

Also I can recommend good books that are not written in financialese and will make a reader feel good and empowered, not overwhelmed and guilty.

Eric Tyson's Personal Finance for Dummies is probably the best book out there I think.  He is 100% committed to educating and helping people on this topic.  I recommend anything by him - he also has books on investing, specifically.

Smart Women Finish Rich by David Bach is also a good one and he has one idea that is so easy and brilliant - it's great - automatic withdrawal so you don't miss it and don't have to budget it. I can't make a budget to save my life, but thank goodness I don't have to.

I would put links in here, but I think it would be cool to click through Dr. Grossman's Amazon links so that if anyone buys the above books it will be to Dr. G's benefit.

Then after that there are a lot of ways to go depending if frugality becomes a passion, or individual stock investing or other essentially lifestyle choices.

I think it is important to read a couple of basics books, such as the ones above, before you commit to working with brokers though.  And I read - lots and lots of books on this topic and I have eliminated all the ones that give unsound advice.  The above 2 pass all my tests for integrity and honesty toward beginners.  A lot of books can be good in part but then give bad advice in part.  Since I have a passion about this, I get passionate about poor advice and about separating the best out from all the rest.

I think this is really an important topic in general, but also for ACONs who have trouble doing things for themselves and taking care of themselves. I think managing personal finances is a very tangible way to practice self-care and care of our loved ones (such as by regularly contributing to education funds for kids).

Umm okay will get off the soapbox.

[tayana]

Iphi,

Thanks so much for the advice and book recommendations.  I'll have to see if my library has them.  I LOVE the library.  I would just buy them, but money's a little tight right now.

My first and foremost goal is to get rid of my remaining credit card debt.  I've gotten a little careless, and I have been charging too much, despite my promise to myself to pay for things with cash.  So, I've gotten a new philosophy for my credit cards.  I'm going to treat them exactly like my debit card.  I'll set a spending limit, and when it's gone, then I can't charge anything else.  I read about this concept on a financial blog, and I really like it.

I can't make a budget to save my life.  Or I can make it, but I have a hard time sticking with it.  I even tried to track all of my expenses for a while, but it was so time consuming that I stopped.

I am learning, through trial and error, to manage my personal finances better.  I think a lot of ACONs have problems with this because we had such poor examples growing up.  Or else no one ever bothered to teach us.  My parents certainly never talked to me about money, other than how little of it we had, how much things cost, or how high the bills were.

[Iphi]

I love the library too - see tayana you are already a natural at saving money by using the library  ;D

[tayana]

Since a lot of them are baby boomers, that means they're going to have to rely on social security or relatives...or who knows?  Can you imagine the anxiety?  I have enough problems with anxiety without creating new reasons to be anxious.

Bean, you've hit the nail on the head.  I don't want to worry about money all the time.  I don't want to have all of these bills and wonder how I'm going to pay them, or which one I can pay late and not have something shut off.  I don't want to have a bunch of credit card balances I can't pay.  I don't want to have mountains of debt.  I want to be able to have some financial security in my future, not end up being 60 years old with $5000 in the bank and never being able to retire.  That's the position my dad is in.  He has a stash of emergency money, but my mom has a nasty habit of stealing from it.  He's almost 70, and he's still working full time at his construction job because he needs the money and he needs the insurance.  I don't want to live like that.

I have always had problems with anxiety, and I don't want to reasons to have more issues.

I'm participating in a challenge for 2008 with my friend where we are going to budget for major purchases we need/want to make.  I have to think about what I want to do, but the goal is to be debt free at the end of the year and have money in savings.  I finally got my raise at work, so I'm going to take the extra money I'm earning (if it doesn't end up going to Uncle Sam) and put it in savings.  I just need to do something with my savings so that it's working for me. 

Sorry, I could go on about this for a while.

[Iphi]

Hey tayana I encourage you to go ahead and post as much as you feel like on this subject.  It's so important. 


And why am I not surprised that your mom steals from the emergency fund?  Oh. My. God! 

[Hopalong]

So glad this came up. If y'all will indulge me, I'm going to start a Money thread.

thanks, Tay, Iphi, all-s y'all...

xo
Hops

[tayana]

Hops, you beat me to the idea.

Iphi, she's been doing that as long as I remember.  She tries to be careful and replace the money so my dad won't notice.  It hasn't been that long since I've seen her take some.  She never takes much, maybe $50, but still . . . it's the idea.