I have taken some time for myself during this past long weekend. I have really "lived" in my anger for a little while. I have never allowed myself to do that. It's weird, because now - on the other side of it - I have a really clear peace about things with my mother. I haven't talked to her in 6 weeks now (a record considering she used to call every single day) and the last email I sent her was for her birthday (May 19) just to say happy birthday, nothing else. My SIL called me asking if I got the mother's day card that moma sent back and I told her yes. I asked her how she knew about it and she said that my mother tells her everything. So I guess now she is trying to suck her into "crazy world" since I'm not living there anymore. My SIL also said that my mother wants to know why I'm mad at her and "when she can expect me to be over it". I calmly told her that I have told my mother the reasons why I am upset with her and that I will not be "getting over it". I told her that I do not plan to talk to my mother anytime soon and that she can go ahead and pass that along the next time they talk. I also warned her that she has a choice where my mother is concerned and it is totally acceptable to say no to the crazy making. Not sure how much sense that made to her, but I hope it will stick in her mind for later use. My mother left me a voicemail last week and said "Hi, it's me just checking on you and the kids. I just wanted to say that I love you. I love you, Michelle - pause - bye". I almost called her immediately. It was the first message she has ever left where she said that specifically to me. Then I realized how happy my life has been since she has been out of it. I have had more peace, happiness, lack of stress, etc just since I have started these strict boundaries. I don't want to lose that.
During my time of peace this weekend, I wrote a letter to myself from God. My counselor had given me a great suggestion once to write a letter to myself as an outsider looking in at my life. I never had any inspiration on this subject. This weekend I was reading my bible and really meditating on a few verses. I really felt peaceful and loved during this time. I was inspired to write a letter to myself from God - his perspective over mine. I wanted to share it with you.
Dear Michelle –
I know that you have been having a rough time with your mother and I am so sorry for all the pain and heartbreak that she has caused you. It is very hard to look at a situation that you are in and realize that it is even worse than you initially thought it was. I am so proud of you for taking these steps to creating a better, safer, happier place for your family and yourself.
You have always been so special to me. As a child, you were such a blessing to your family. You were so sweet and always wanted to take care of everyone else. You are still that way. It is a very good quality to have when the person you are taking care of wants to take care of you in return. I think you realize now that the relationship with your mother is not that way. It is a damaging, toxic, destructive relationship that only leaves you feeling bitter, rejected, angry and alone. It is not your fault that your mother will not change. It is not your fault that you cannot help her or fix the situation. It is not your fault that she does not love you. I think you realize now that in addition to these things not being your fault, they are not your problem either. You have done more than you should have to try to repair the relationship between you and your mother. There is nothing that you could do or could have done to make her change her ways. It is her choice to remain in this state of mind. It is time to let go. It is time to feel happy again.
I know that you feel hurt that your mother cannot be the type of mother that you need. You have been so blessed with other mother figures in your life. You have many people that deeply love you and want to care for you in this time of need. Turn to them for compassion, empathy, and understanding. Give them the blessing of allowing them to care for you for awhile.
I am here for you. I will show you what true love feels like. I will help you to change the patterns of your childhood and turn them into healthy ways of living. I will show you how to be the parent to your children that you were never taught to be. I will fill the voids in your life in ways you could never imagine. I will make you whole again.
I love you. I am proud of you. I find great happiness in your decisions to break the cycle of damage and pain. There is nothing that you could do to make me love you any less. I am here for you any time you need me. I will never abandon you or expect things that you are unable to give.
I love you deeply,
God
This letter brought me great comfort because part of the reason that I have always stayed in the cycle of damage with my mother is that I always thought that was my "Christian" duty as a daughter. I now realize that God is not that way. He does not expect me to keep allowing myself to get hurt by this woman. He wants the best for me and he will help me to achieve a better life for me and my family.
I read on another recent post, "Fundamental Religious Background" that some parents use religion to get what they want. I don't believe that those people truly understand the real and loving God. I would encourage anyone who has experienced parents or relationships with those beliefs to search God out in your own life. You will not find the same God that they say they are worshipping. It makes me sick when people use religion as a scare tactic. My parents did that as well. And had affairs, sexually abused their children, etc etc etc in their free time. Hmmmm...confusing huh.
Take care all,
Big healing hugs to all (by the way, I heard a neat idea the other day. When you want to show someone you truly care for them or show true compassion, give a 30 second hug! Try it - most hugs on average last no more than 10 seconds!) : )
Michelle
