Can you explain more details and maybe what the details mean to you. It is too sketchy for me to help. Ami
Well, the night that I had that dream I has been at my T office that day. He was mentioning about how babies cry and scream with intense anger and jealously when they are left alone or awaken. It is a continual process of mother going away and returning while they come to feel terror at their loneliness and my T told me that babies will feel guilt for having such strong negative feelings towards their caregivers when they do return.
Recently, I have been having emotional memories from when I was a baby. A couple of years back my mom told me that shortly after I was born she tried to commit suicide and was placed in a mental hospital. She tried to commit suicide because my N father was having an affair and she was trying to get his attention. While my N mom was in the hospital a very kind hispanic neighbor looked after my sister and I. I can actually recall her holding me and caring for me with genuine love. She gave me baby specialness and helped to fullfill that need to be treated as precious. (She was a blessing from God, I'm sure).
After my mom got out of the hospital she and my father would scream, yell and fight. I have been having the memories of the terror and aloneness that I felt while lying in my crib hearing the screaming and fighting. The hostile air was trauma on my pure little spirit.
I once asked my biological F why he left when I was three (I never saw or heard from him again until I was 15), he said because he looked at my older sister (age 4 1/2) during one of his fights with my mom, she was crying in her chair at the kitchen table, he said that he could not take seeing her pain so he left and never came back to us.
As I once said before, I was my mom's emotionless doll. I had to sympathize with her to gain her protection for survival.
This is only part of it though...There is something else coming up in me that feels like intense guilt and fear.
Lise
