Author Topic: Glad I found this site  (Read 2681 times)

yuki

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Glad I found this site
« on: June 07, 2004, 04:07:39 PM »
I just wanted to say hi. This is my first post here. I found this site a while ago and the concept of voicelessness explains what I've gone through better than anything else. I've had 5 years of therapy and read a lot about emotional abuse - "voicelessness" makes the most sense of anything I've heard.

I've spent over a year in an abuse support group. I learned a lot and yet most of the people there had suffered physical forms of abuse so somehow I felt like I never could really relate. Something just wasn't quite working for me there. I hope I'll be able to find what I was looking for here.

I had a N mom - controlling, emotional, depriving, enmeshed and waaaay out of touch with reality. My dad was alcoholic and completely shut down emotionally. I think he must be dissociative because it's like he's not even there. He hardly talked at home and flat-out ignored me. And... that was it. I was an only child and we were very isolated. I know it's unusual for a N to be so isolated, but she was. I was the only person she had in the whole world. I was more like her pet than a person, or maybe a doll. Not supposed to be a person. I had an emotional break down when I was 10 and have stayed depressed and emotionally shut down ever since. I moved out (got out!) when I was 20 and began therapy. It's been about 5 years... I'm still in therapy.

The "voicelessness" idea is so great because I really felt so voiceless. I feel like I slipped between the cracks a long time ago and nobody noticed. I still feel like I am removed from the world. I haven't found myself and I haven't found my voice although my therapist says they are there. I have no direction in life. I feel so lost. The "voicelessness" was so bad - not only did my parents not listen or not notice who I was, I was even forbidden other forms of expression. Not allowed to listen to music. How I dressed, spoke, acted, the movies I wanted to watch, the friends I had from school - they were all super-controlled and judged by my mom. Everything was invaded or taken away or condemned.

I still have some problems with "believing" all of it. I still try to blame myself. Sometimes I can't believe that THIS much damage was done to me. Sometimes I think that I MUST be doing something wrong now because I SHOULD be able to just get over it and fix my life already. My life is hardly functional and I am very cut off from everything. I hate it but I don't know any other way of being. I don't know how to do anything else.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

bunny

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Glad I found this site
« Reply #1 on: June 07, 2004, 05:35:08 PM »
Welcome yuki,

Thanks for posting. It sounds like your childhood resembled a prison sentence at a maximum security facility. My mother was also controlling of my clothes, reading, music, etc. After graduating college, I discovered all kinds of things of which she would've disapproved or not taken an interest. Maybe you haven't yet given yourself permission to discover all the things that interest you.

bunny

Anonymous

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« Reply #2 on: June 07, 2004, 05:55:55 PM »
Hello Yuki,

welcome and I could see so many similarities between your parents and mine except the gender was reversed. My dad is super controlling, it was he who was living my life and my mother was never there for me for anything. I too ran away when I was 24 and have now applied for therapy only now ! you are ahead of me ib that regard !
I also felt if I would feel out of place in abuse survival groups becuase I never was physically abused and I was taken well care of financially.
Like your therapist says we all have voices, and for those of us who have been abused onw way or the other, it simply takes time

keep posting
spirit

mighty mouse

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« Reply #3 on: June 07, 2004, 05:59:02 PM »
Hi Yuki,

Getting your voice is the first step in getting a direction in life....I myself always felt like my identity had been stolen. It's hard to "be" in this world with no identity.

I remember my Mom making a big deal out of us kids watching the Carol Burnett show (I'm dating myself here LOL), because it was "dirty". She also said the same thing about a book I was reading one day....dirty. And to this day she castigates me because I love Barbra Streisand (She doesn't like Barbra's politics - so she's bad). I think this sounds pretty silly and I bet your Mom sounds just as silly.

You are starting early getting the tapes out of your head. It takes a while.
I think reading other people's experience here (there are many others with covert Ns) will help you greatly.

Posting often helps you to compare your situation with others and makes you know deep down you aren't crazy. Good luck to you.

MM

yuki

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« Reply #4 on: June 07, 2004, 10:57:02 PM »
Thank you for the replies. :)

It was a lot like being in a maximum security facility! I was even "kidnapped" by my mother once and spent about 6 weeks living in hotel rooms with her, with almost no contact with the outside world. She'd been having emotional and marital problems, and that was her solution. She told me about all of her problems and we cried a lot. I went with her willingly... but I was only 10 and "brainwashed" and very tightly controlled - I really had no choice. She told me that she was doing it to help me. I should have been in school at the time... (it wasn't until very recently that I realized that I hadn't really gone with her willingly and that it was more or less kidnapping).

I'm so glad I got out of their house when I was 20. I'm still amazed that I was able to.

I think I still haven't been able to find things that interest me. I've found a few but for the most part it is a huge mystery to me. On the rare occasion that I do find something that interests me, it usually seems like I have too many things blocking me to pursue it (like not having any emotional support, not having someone to go places with me, depression, anxiety, etc). I'm trying to give myself permission to find things that interest me. I'm still getting used to giving myself permission to feel ok instead of depressed all the time.

I did find things in common with the abuse survivor group I was in. Emotional abuse is present in every other kind of abuse, so I did have some common ground with people there. But since my abuse was mostly emotional (only once or twice that I know of I was somewhat physically abused. My mom would get angry and give me hard spankings because she thought I'd done something wrong when really I hadn't done anything wrong. She just never gave me a chance to explain or defend myself... more voicelessness) and I was also taken good care of financially it just seems like I have a lot of different issues than people who went through repeated physical abuse.

Oh, Mighty Mouse, my mom was just like that with "dirty" things. I never knew when she'd flip out over something in a movie or TV show I was watching (and it would be my fault for watching something bad). She'd also get angry and accuse me of using sexual slang words or saying things that had a sexual meaning or making sexual gestures when I was really young, like 6 or 7. She acted like I knew exactly what I was doing and was doing it just to be bad. Looking back now I can see that I wasn't even doing the things she was accusing me of - she was just reading the worst possible meaning into things. She was also so out of touch with the rest of the world that she didn't even know current slang... so she would assume the worst. I got so scared of her... because I had no idea what was "bad" and what wasn't... I got really, really careful about how I talked around her and I stopped even asking to see movies or TV shows that I wanted to see, because I had no idea what might be in them. She used religion as her excuse for restricting me, but it was really just about control. More voicelessness for me... more of me having to suppress myself.

Thanks for reading. I'm finding that I have a lot to say. That was a problem for me in the abuse survivors group I was using before, because a lot of people there just won't read long posts. So it was either... write everything that I have to say and don't expect many people to read and reply... or keep it short and get some replies. I don't mean to say negative things about that place because I appreciate it very much and it seems to work for a lot of people... but it felt like sometimes the only way I could get support was to get right to the point and keep it short instead of writing what I wanted to. I notice that the posts tend to be longer here, so, I'm hopeful... :)

Yuki

kelly8893

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« Reply #5 on: June 08, 2004, 03:27:01 AM »
Yuki, you are in the right place. I was brought up with both parents too, but they each had their own world. My mother is bi-polar with schizophania and my dad was a workaholic so he was gone most of the time ( he traveled) I didn't have a conversation with him until my brother died at 12. My sister and I were 15 and 16 at the time. (With my mom) I have had to come to grips with the fact she will never be the kind of mother who takes you to the mall and goes for coffee and have a good time. Her world is being crazy and making us kids try and be in her world. She wouldn't leave the house for 10 years because someone or something would get her and find us!?! ( Whatever?!!)  She is still this way today and I am 41 years old, she has improved some in the past 2 years with the doctors trying different meds but it is always interesting interacting with her and I am sure it always will be. So I understand trying to find your voice in a new world (being on your own)after being in the isolated world of CRAZY people ( to bad it was our parents) I didn't get depressed in the "normal way" most people do, somewhere I decided that I needed to work myself to death for no glory (the joan of arc sydrome). A year ago when I had divorced my ex-husband after 17 years ( he is an alcoholic) and left my 7 year N ( major N) boyfriend. I became really sick and I promised God I would find my "own voice" ( Life on my own) a real job that wasn't killing me and find a better life for me and my 2 kids. I have done this with much patiences and prayers. I still surprise myself just 2 days ago that I, Me , myself and mohya that I have a voice and I have an opinon and I have tastes and I have things I like to do and not to do and I can be friends with who ever I want and I can do the things the I like to do, like go to the mall and have coffee and have fun!!!   I can even have cake for dinner if I want ( sound good?):) anyway I guess I am telling you I have been there where you are many many many times and even though it is difficult and the road might seem hard, it is a far harder road to still live in "Their World" the wrapped, crazy, make no sense world. We were "blessed?" with having our growing up years distorted and we just have to find the "voice" or "looking glass" that makes sense to us.  You will find your voice and you will feel much pain lifted! It is a great feeling and I know you will find it. Just be patient with yourself and know that you are not alone in dealing with crazy people. You are your best resource and if you trust yourself alittle and take a chance you will find your voice, I know it! Have a great week! kelly

Portia

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Glad I found this site
« Reply #6 on: June 08, 2004, 08:07:25 AM »
Hiya Yuki!  :D Talk away. Do you like cake?! :D

Quote
I can even have cake for dinner if I want ( sound good?)
yes Kelly, and you saying that made me think, hmmm, maybe that's why myself and other half are putting on weight, we allow ourselves whatever we want now because we're adults and freeeee to choose whatever we want to eat! A silly thing, but very significant. Yeah, choc ices and olives on the same plate for dinner - why not? It's not a crime! P

kelly8893

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« Reply #7 on: June 08, 2004, 11:49:34 PM »
Portia yes yes yes, I am not skinny but I also have the men still look!!
I know how can such a small choice seem so big to us!!! Very significate!
It is so freeing to actually have a choice and get to have what we want and not have someone tell us that "it is wrong" :) I have a big laugh at the people in my life that have tried to control it thourgh Narssisim or phyiscal abuse or mental abuse, they tried so hard to do it but I finally stood up and said NO I am a person and I have all the rights as you!!!
I have had a trying 6 months but how wonderful it has been to not have someone telling that everything about it is wrong!!!!:) Here's to Cake with olives and mocha if we feel like it for lunch!!!:) Have a great rest of the week!! Kelly