how do you practice 'stop'

[write]

Iphi asked me this on another thread and I don't want to distract the topic, but when a person shouts or does something confusing or sends me into a tailspin of emotions that is right the point to say to myself 'stop. wait.'

Usually if I don't I can't even remember some of the details of the transaction afterwards, it all becomes panic, and that makes us more vulnerable to repeat abuse too- not trusting own judgement on what the person did.

It's not just useful for abuse though, for any situation where things spin emotionally out of control.

I do it like this:

tell myself 'stop. wait'.

I concentrate on breathing which has usually increased rate.

I don't speak or argue but look carefully at the other person making eye contact but no response.

This in itself is enough to stop most people in their tracks by the way- if they were about to go off on one or weren't being respectful. As soon as they know you're paying full attention they stop themselves. You are reflecting to them your calm and they get that it's inappropriate to continue or that when you do respond it will be a considered response.

If they don't stop but go on yelling or trying to argue that's the time to extricate yourself drom the situation, say 'I'll discuss this later' or 'I'll come back when you've calmed down'.

If it's not a formal situation just calmly leave.

What you're trying to stop isn't them but your own emotional response to them so that you get pressured or stressed or bullied.

What they want is your emotional response and confusion so they can purge themself with an outburst or get you to do something you wouldn't if they merely asked in a calm friendly way.

Took me years to realise that the same situations with different people made me feel the same, and that only I could stop myself responding and stay put in that moment no matter what happened in other similar exchanges & my emotional response.

It's a really good technique in my work, though I do practice it alongside 'swiftly move out of the way' with violent or disturbed patients! But whatever happens in a crisis I am pretty 'bombproof' now because I don't have the emotional reaction in the moment.

Sometimes I get upset later when I've thought about it.

This I consider essential technique for bipolar, I am sure it means I need so little meds because so often what is being medicated is behaviour control resulting from the mood swings.

It does sometimes leave me feeling a little detached to be so self-controlled, but I am practising feeling and revealing my emotions in the moment too again now, only with people I trust. Working with children is good practice, and being with my son and a handful of my favourite people.

Does it make sense?

~W

[Gaining Strength]

Write that is a brilliant technique!  Thank you for posting it.  I can't wait to try it.  When I do I'll come post my experience of it.

[Iphi]

Thank you so much for posting the technique, write.

I absolutely got shivers when I read it.  I think this might just be the right information at the right time - when I can hear it and understand how much it is needed.

A follow up question:  what if you are stopping and breathing and find you are already having a strong emotional response?  Do you also then say you will leave and discuss later?  Do you go away and work through the emotional response?

This must take a big part of the fear out of the prospect of a conflict - having a technique that you can confidently rely on. 

[write]

what if you are stopping and breathing and find you are already having a strong emotional response?  Do you also then say you will leave and discuss later?  Do you go away and work through the emotional response?

the severity of the situation determines the response- if someone starts screaming at you on a train, no way to stop the emotional response really, just get out of there and do what you have to do later to survive.

( and recognise that in the NPD person many of their strong responses are because they are literally fighting to survive in their own minds btw )

Where 'stop' is really useful is where a pattern of someone's behaviour or our own responses occurs.

Where we're acting as though we're in danger- when really we need to be more focussed on a different kind of stuation.

Take care to breathe more slowly, take a deep breath in reasponse to everything! That in itself brings us back.

The solution is to not 'over-respond'. Anger, fear, shouting back, crying, panic- these are all adrenalin responses which might be perfectly useful to get you away from a mystery attacker on a train, but not necessary and counter-productive for dealing with the bully in the office.

For me to positively resolve the current situation that makes this triggering a frequent occurance in my life, it's absolutely critical that I not be angry.

yes, absoultely. Once we go into emotional response mode then we don't resolve the situation and often compound it!

sometimes you do have the luxury of stepping completely out of the situation long enough to deal with your emotions/triggers and address a problem more constructively.

exactly. Yes, it's the same thing.

~W