After the marriage mentoring...

[reallyME]

Upon confronting H about a really icky habit he has (that I will not mention by indication here), his reply was to attempt to use an "I feel" statement in a rather Narcissistic way.

Normally, if someone is upset about being confronted, and wants to use a non-narcissistic "I feel" statement, it might sound like this:

"I feel disrespected and angry when you confront me about my behavior."

instead what i got was this:

"I feel that you disrespected me by commenting on my behavior."

I tried to explain to him that the entire purpose of "I feel" messages, are to have the person TAKE PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS OWN/HER OWN FEELINGS.  They are meant to totally take the other person off the defensive.

He didn't seem to care and he said "there is NO difference in how I said it or how you just did."

Narcissists just are not happy unless they can keep that little "dig" in there at ya.

sighs...

still, movin forward into family meeting next...should be interesting.

N daughter started in on me at dinner time tonight, since my husband was not there to shut her up.  My other daughter joined her in the attack against me too and then almost got the 8 yr old to ally as well.

Result:  when the two older daughters told me they needed to use my computer, I refused to allow them to and told them that they needed to be respectful if they wanted to borrow my things. 

The 13 yr old asked "WHY?  I didnt do nothin!"  when I explained what she did, she said "whatEVER"
The 18 yr old said "Fine, then I WON'T GO TO COLLEGE!"  I told her, "you can use the library computer for your college papers."  She said "SCREW YOU!"

I did NOT give in, I told my husband what happened, which he didn't back me in anyway, but i stuck to my guns and told him that was how it would be when they treat me badly.  I will NOT be used and abused and then have them act all innocent.  Not playin that game.

~Laura

[Ami]

Dear Laura,
  I can see( from the outside) that your H is dealing with as deep a pain and shame as you are.He is fighting not to 'drown" in his own pain,just as you( and I) are.
 I am NOT saying to take any "abusive"  behavior(ANY).It just helps to see where the person is coming from ,rather than to see them as a "jerk"
 I can see my H as a hurting person(most of the time). Sometimes, I descend to the level of seeing him as a "jerk", though(to be honest)
  It is hard when two people try to 'come together" with so many individual issues. WHY did God invent marriage anyway?(lol)
  I think that you did GREAT with your kids. I was always very strict with mine. I always had consequences for "bad" behavior. I simply let the consequences "discipline" them and not me. If they did not help with the laundry, then they had dirty clothes the next day. That happened ONE time that my S wore a dirty  shirt to school(.It went further than I expected b/c the teacher commented on it.) However, then  they helped with chores.
  You did exactly right with the computer(IMO). Laura, you are doing well. hang in there-friend .   Love   Ami
 

[seasons]

Hi ReallyMe,

Did you husband come away with any tools he is willing to work with YOU on your marriage? I think it is HUGE he went and hope their is a way to find some level of peace and harmony to your family.

It is very painful to hear the words, whatever, and screwyou. How painful for you and how sad that your dds are in this verbal abusive cycle.

I wish you the best as you work through your relationships. I hope you see light and peace soon. ((seasons))

[reallyME]

Hi seasons

Actually, yes, there are things my husband is working on with me that he came away with from our 4 day marriage encounter.  He has been trying to be more understanding of me overall.  He doesn't yell at me but instead gently reminds me of our "I feel" "I think" messages.

Today, I was diagnosed with full blown Hashimotos Thyroiditus syndrome.  He took an immediate interest in learning what it all means.  I was shocked.

~Laura

[Leah]

Hi seasons

Actually, yes, there are things my husband is working on with me that he came away with from our 4 day marriage encounter.  He has been trying to be more understanding of me overall.  He doesn't yell at me but instead gently reminds me of our "I feel" "I think" messages.

Today, I was diagnosed with full blown Hashimotos Thyroiditus syndrome.  He took an immediate interest in learning what it all means.  I was shocked.

~Laura

Oh, Laura,

How are you feeling after having Hashimotos Thyroiditus diagnosis.

Genuinely distressed to know that you have this condition.

I am only familiar with Hypothyroidism, and don't know the effect etc.

Have you been given lots of information and helpful advice today?

Do hope so.

Love and a Hug to you (((( Laura ))))

Leah

[reallyME]

Oh Leah,

I'm ok about the diagnosis of Hashimotos.  i have a feeling it runs in my dad's side of the family in the Italian women there.  If you saw a picture of my Grandfather's mom, you'd see that I'm built exactly like her, and she also had a weight problem, so I'm not so sure she didn't have a thyroid condition as well.  It's just something you accept and deal with, by taking your medicine and praying.

I'm glad to know that there has been a reason for the fatigue, crankiness, weight gain, etc.  Now, I'm working on finding the right dose of Synthroid so I can feel good again.  Today, this morning, i began my new dose, so keep me in your thoughts and prayers that it all goes well.  I have to slightly increase on the weekends though, doc says.  So, we shall see....

~Laura

[Leah]

Oh Leah,

I'm ok about the diagnosis of Hashimotos.  i have a feeling it runs in my dad's side of the family in the Italian women there.  If you saw a picture of my Grandfather's mom, you'd see that I'm built exactly like her, and she also had a weight problem, so I'm not so sure she didn't have a thyroid condition as well.  It's just something you accept and deal with, by taking your medicine and praying.

I'm glad to know that there has been a reason for the fatigue, crankiness, weight gain, etc.  Now, I'm working on finding the right dose of Synthroid so I can feel good again.  Today, this morning, i began my new dose, so keep me in your thoughts and prayers that it all goes well.  I have to slightly increase on the weekends though, doc says.  So, we shall see....

~Laura

You have the right attitude about it, Laura,

And most certainly, you have been in my thoughts, and my prayers.

Looked up and read about it too.

Hope the weekend goes well for you, truly.

And will pray for you, that the right level of Synthroid will soon become evident and take effect.

Love, Leah