puzzled and upset about my brother

[Ami]

Dear Towrite,
  You are such a precious person. It is anyone's loss if they don't appreciate that(IMO). I want to address a larger issue that your post touched on(in me)
  I see that I have a need for relationships to be how I want them to be for my own emptiness and my own needs. I have been seeing that with Maria ( and other relationships). It reminds me of the Prophet by Gibran. He says that there must be spaces in your togetherness. I read this book when I was a teen. I accepted that I was a "whole"entity. The most that another person could do was to walk beside me. HOWEVER, as I got sicker and sicker with my M, at some point,I lost myself. THEN,I needed people to go "inside' and define me.
  I see much of my problems now as not accepting what Gibran said. This applies to all relationships. I really wanted s/one to give me a self.That was a huge part of my "misery' and still is. I am at the beginning of this lesson. It hurts to face it,but it is worse to keep hoping for falliable humans to fill up ANY emptiness that we have.
   Compost what does not fit. This may not relate at all to your situation with your B.  It might be just where I am.
    Love to you     Ami

(((((((((((((((towrite)))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

Hi ToWrite,
Your brother's rejection and your panicky difficulty with stepping back (I know that feeling) reminds me so much of what I've been through with my daughter.

The only thing that made it better was me finally stopping all pursuit, withdrawing without anger, and simply sending generic supportive greetings that explicitly did not ask any questions or ask for any response. After a while, she did, and we weathered it and are on a new plane now and in touch regularly.

With an adult sibling, you could make that once a month. Do you think that might help?

love to you, and remember it ain't you...he has to work through his shame. By himself.

Hops

[teartracks]

Hi towrite,

I'm so sorry for the hurt you're experiencing.  I think GS summarized my thoughts.  Amazingly, the thing your brother can't take from you by no contact is your love for him.   I feel the pain both of you are experiencing.  In as much is possible I send you my best wishes and sincere prayers. 

tt

[changing]

To Write-

I can feel the sadness in your posts, and it is so unfair and just plain wrong that you should be rejected,and in that manner, when you are providing the caring and  support to your brother that many people are crying out for on this lonely planet. Such a senseless waste of an opportunity!!!

I hope you feel better, and can look past the sting that was inflicted, and spend some time on yourself and others who appreciate you.

(((((ToWrite)))))

Changing

[SilverLining]

It's hard not to flash back to discounting from my childhood, but his responses seem so bitter - and why are they directed at me? Now he will not answer his phone or respond to my emails. I've asked him for an explanation of why he's treating me this way and all I get is silence.

I wonder in this kind of situation if there isn't some sort of "transference" going on.  It's a lot safer to lash out at the older sibling than to recognize  real problems in the family system.  Facing up to the truth about parents is too threatening. 

I've had some similar experiences with my siblings.  My younger brother seems to be stuck in chronic depression and denial.   He has made me the "bad guy" several times and we haven't had a close relationship during our adulthood.  I was always bewildered by this, because it seemed we got along well in our early years,  but in my 40's I came to realize its all tied into issues with the parents.    When love and affection are in short supply, siblings become bitter rivals for scarce emotional resources.   A couple of people outside the family system (including a therapist) have pointed out to my brother the apparent issues with the parents, but he doesn't seem able to do anything with the knowledge.     

Sadly I don't know if much can be done about it, other than accepting the situation and letting them deal with their own demons, while realizing at the same time it isn't your fault.   

[towrite]

towrite- I suspect he is in such severe pain over his situation and even though you sympathize with him and want very much to help and offer support some sense of shame and inadequacy in his past experiences is powerfully tapped into by his situation and perhaps oddly enough by your concern and offers of help.  His rage seems to me to come out of shame and helplessness and fear.  I think he is feeling inadequate and fearful and powerless.

GS - I think there's a lot of truth in what you wrote. It doesn't seem possible right now to talk to him since he won't answer his phone when I call or answer my emails. I also agree that it's safer to lash out at a sibling sometimes. I can't remember if I related here that he told me not to call or write him again. So communication is out and space is in.

I talked to my cousin this morning who, without any idea what my brother'd done, said he cannot tolerate my brother's "recent behavior" and "insults". Now I see he's doing this to others in the family. I shared my experience with my cousin and now he and I are a bit worried my brother is having a breakdown of sorts. Brother P has always been a patient, kind, and understanding person. In fact, he's been so much that way that he's gotten labeled a wimp as an adult by many people. So this hostile, cruel stuff is a complete 180 from his usual self.

My gut says he may just now be getting in touch with his own anger which he's always suppressed - when he blew, it was scary but infrequent and he always apologized. I just wonder if that's what's happening and he doesn't know how to corral it or direct it - or can't b/c of his depression.

Any thoughts, you wise ones?

[Gaining Strength]

My gut says he may just now be getting in touch with his own anger which he's always suppressed - when he blew, it was scary but infrequent and he always apologized. I just wonder if that's what's happening and he doesn't know how to corral it or direct it - or can't b/c of his depression.

That makes alot of sense to me.  It is a VERY difficult question as to whether there is anything you can do at all.  Perhaps there might be a way to communicate to him that you are thinking of him and just leave it at that with no offers of help or comments of concern.  But then if he isn't taking your calls is he reading your e-mails? or snail mail?

I know that when these horrendous childhood wounds are not dealt with the effects worsen as we age - they don't simply go away.  I wish I had some wisdom to offer here other than simply communicating that you are thinking about him.  Please keep us posted about your relationship with him.  You are in my thoughts. - GS

[sunblue]

Tayana:

I'm sooo very sorry you are hurting from the distancing and hurtful behavior your brother is showing you.  Please know that you in no way deserve it, nor can it be construed as ok in any shape or form.  He is lashing out at you and apparently others and that is inexcusable, whatever he is going through.

But that aside, let me also say that I can understand a bit of what your brother may be feeling  I've never lashed out at others because of it.  I tend to internalize everything.  But I know this.  It is devastating and I mean totally devastating to be in the position your brother is in, particularly if you were raised to really identify with what you do for a living and particularly if you are a man  Identity and sense of self in closely tied to work.  I'm not a guy but I grew up in an Nhousehold where the ONLY thing that mattered about a person is how powerful and financially successful a person was and what they did for a living.  I lost my job through no fault of my own and it was the only thing I had in my life.  I lost everything.  I'm still in that position.  Despite incredible amounts of effort---interviews, research, job applications, etc, I have not found a job.  I feel just huge amounts of failure and shame and am in complete despair.  It really destroys you. 

So while I don't agree with your brother's actions, I can understand what he may be feeling.  And when you're in that position, you also tend to start thinking about other things in your life....family or lack thereof, friends, lack of achievements, etc.  It can be overwhelming.

You have told your brother you are there for him.  He knows you care.  That's all you can do for now.  He won't take your calls or e-mails  Perhaps in a little while, you can send him a card with a simple but caring sentiment just to let him know you are thinking of him.  I know I would dearly love for my brother or someone to just say, "I'm really sorry you are having to go through this right now.  I'm here for you if you need it."

So try and not take it personally.  It is wrong the way he is treating you and you should not foster that behavior or accept it.  Perhaps a little space and understanding is all he needs now.

[Overcomer]

I have found that a lot of times people hate the messenger more than the message.  I have been in a position where I hated a messenger and someone hated me.  Maybe since email and phoning has not worked, you should send him a card with an apology (even if you do not need one.)  Sometimes the high road is the way to smooth things out and then maybe later he might tell you what you did or said that made him mad.

[Hopalong]

Hi ToW,
Similar to Sunblue, I was thinking how a job represents independence for a man. A crucial virtue in this culture. So for him, he may feel all the more helpless when you press hard to help him. It may have triggered his fears which he's turned into anger because it's too humiliating to feel your concern.

It's not that he doesn't know you love him. It's that he wants to, no, he needs to, resolve this situation on his own, and your efforts to get him to accept your help undermine his resolve to do that. He may have been feeling a bit enmeshed with you, and if he takes the offer to lay his head on your shoulder he may feel as though it's just too hard to raise it up again.

Hope that makes sense. it's my best understanding of a lot of what my D has been through with me. It really isn't about you or the nature of your good intentions. He just needs his own two feet right now, and even a hug can knock him off balance.

I think just contacting him once a month with a card like Sunblue suggests, or even neutral brief news and just Love, Sis, will keep the door open (even if he doesn't respond) and he'll get back in touch after he's confident his boundaries will be respected.

So imo, no more emails or calls now. And wait a month for your first card.
Let it breathe, he'll still be there. Always your brother.

love
Hops

[towrite]

Such wise people, all. The card sounds like a good idea - maybe in a month or so. Thanks so much.

Ami, I know exactly what you mean about seeking rel'ships or trying to mold them based on my own emptiness and needs. I have had enough of picking people who resemble my NPs and then try ot make it come out differently. It has only delayed my own healing by allowing myself NOT to take off my blinders or to NOT listen to my gut.

[Ami]

Dear towrite,
  I am so  glad that you were able to receive  my "general message". It was more of a general perspective on relationships than on your B, specifically. As I heal, I SEE how much I want other people to fill my emptiness and define me. It is really scary that I could have studied  Psycholgy for 6 years, gone to support groups for 10 years, read countless books and never figured out the basic truth of relationships 101-.( Hey My M has been a therapist for 30 years-- case closed)
   I guess that head knowledge is very close to useless in changing your life. Somehow, with Maria, I was able to see my codependency in glaring colors. I only saw a little of it, BUT it was still so big.
  I saw my whole relationship with her as a lesson in codependence. I wanted her to give me a "family and a best friend  I, in turn gave her everything she wanted or  needed. That  was what I DID in relationships. I became jelly and started poring myself out in to the other person-bleh. No wonder I always wanted to be alone.
  I was able to see this and pull back. I WAS able to get stronger and she and I are still friends. Now, it is a little different. I give her jobs, which I need(like decorating) and I pay her. I don't just give money which made me feel like I had no self respect.
 I guess that Maria and I are like a marriage. We keep evolving( so far). This is good. Now, I feel more able to be flawed. I feel more able to show who I am .I feel like I can "think". I realize  that my thinking was frozen. I never knew that until I started "thinking" more freely..I think that I  healed a little bit of my shame core..
 I feel like I can be a good friend to her, which I like. I feel like I can listen WITHOUT finding a solution( or making it O.K.) This is big.
  I guess that I learned a lot-
 I think that we need to have a core inside us that does not go so up and down when others are "hurting". Towrite, I am so glad that you are here. I think that you are a very intelligent and insightful person. With your B,I bet that your gut will tell you what is going on with him    Love  Ami
 

[towrite]

Update - I took your advice, Hops, and sent him a card. It was cute and neutral and I signed it "Thinking of you." No response, but then I didn't really expect one. The longer this goes on the more I believe what has been suggested here is true - he had a destructive first marriage with three kids from it who have been damaged by their N mother and he can do nothing 'cuz he doesn't have custody. Then his second marriage was even worse, if that's possible. He expressed doubts about his ability to love anyone. Now he's in a job with no security. He didn't really grieve over his first marriage, had very little outward reaction except for brief moments. He tried so hard in his second marriage 'cuz he really loved the woman, but she was too sick (bipolar) to have any kind of rel'ship. It ended with him being angry - he didn't really fight back, fight for what was rightfully his (just "stuff"), just as he didn't fight back when his first marriage ended. He's always been passive, others have always seen him as gentle and patient, but the truth is he just never stood up for himself.

Now he has even blown off our cousins who are in the midst (with us) of dividing some land we inherited. Since he's an attorney by training (doesn't practice), he was in the thick of the negotiations and decision making. It's all very amicable, but he has now completely withdrawn and says he is not interested in participating any longer. The cousins are as stunned as I am. But it proves to me he's going thru some kind of break-down - or break-thru - b/c he never grieved or stood up for himself in the two marriages nor in any of his jobs. He isn't even coming to town from Christmas, not bringing his kids by to see our 87 y.o. mother, and giving her excuses about working so hard. So I know it isn't me. Have no problem with that. But it is nevertheless a concern. I just hope he has whatever strength to work thru all this. Our middle brother committed suicide and I know the risk is greater for siblings when that happenes. That preys on my mind.

[Hopalong]

I am so sorry you lost a brother to suicide, ToW.
No wonder you felt such fear about your brother's losses.

I'm glad you send the card.
Maybe just keep doing that...

So he gets the message "always here for you" even though he can't respond.

Not now, anyway.
Holidays must be especially hard for him.

You'll both be in my thoughts.

love,
Hops