meltdown

[janisty07]

I just got home from a PTO meeting and I saw my nsister there.  She just sat there acting as if she didn't even know me.
I'm the one who is done with her, who decided to detach~ and just as I  suspected she does not even care.  She said it herself when she said she wished I'd drop off the face of the earth. 
I felt so very uncomfortable.  I didn't know where to look.  I looked right at her, I wanted to make eye contact to see what her reaction would be and she just looked away. 
I thought I was getting stronger, but I came home feeling worse than I have in a long while.
I guess dealing with all of this never gets any easier.
Thanks for giving me a place to vent.

Jan

[Hopalong]

I'm sorry, Janis.
It's very painful.

You're going to get to the place where she could jump up and down in front of you saying

 Nanny-nanny boo boo, I don't love yoooo

and
you'll
be
unaffected

I swear.
That IS the outcome of acceptance of reality, giving up hope, and finishing grief.
And you will get there.

(Now, she gets power from snubbing you. She won't get anything from it when it no longer hurts you.)

Hopalong

[lighter]

I think Hops is right.

This won't hurt (like this) forever... serenity comes with acceptance and emotional detachment.

You just aren't there yet. 

[Gabben]

Hi Jan,

What Hops said is so true. N's love attention, even their imagined negative stuff. I have put here a link to an article about how we are simply objects in there eyes, to toy with so to speak, like Hops said -- they are children at heart. If you can see that then it will help take the sting out of feeling so shunned.

Ouch though, I know, I have been there too.

(((Jan)))

http://www.narcissism.operationdoubles.com/youareanobject.htm

Peace,
Lise

[Ami]

Dear Janis,
  You are at the beginning stages of facing the true horror of N. I don't know if you have read Vaknin's book but there IS a shock element to really seeing the "deadness"of an N person.
 Honestly,It is like the shock of seeing a "dead body'.It is horrible. I don't think that we were meant,as humans, to suffer the pain of a relationship with an N.
 I think that you are beginnning on the stages that will ultimatly heal you. It is so hard and s/times there is really nothing you CAN do,but moan and cry.
  I am here IF you want to moan and cry.I certainly do enough of it(LOL)           Love   Ami

(((((((((Janis))))))))))))

[Leah]

I just got home from a PTO meeting and I saw my nsister there.  She just sat there acting as if she didn't even know me.
I'm the one who is done with her, who decided to detach~ and just as I  suspected she does not even care.  She said it herself when she said she wished I'd drop off the face of the earth. 
I felt so very uncomfortable.  I didn't know where to look.  I looked right at her, I wanted to make eye contact to see what her reaction would be and she just looked away. 
I thought I was getting stronger, but I came home feeling worse than I have in a long while.
I guess dealing with all of this never gets any easier.
Thanks for giving me a place to vent.

Jan

Dear ((((( Jan ))))))

Clearly, I can remember being in a similar situation, with my Nsister, just as you have explained, and it was absolutely awful.  With my knees turning to jelly and my tummy churning, all the way home.

What Hops has said is so very true, and rest assured, you can hang onto that, with real hope.

It happens, just like a new day dawning, and you should you turn to look back, it's gone, because the mist has closed in on it, enveloping it and evaporating it, forever.

Wonderful and liberating --- and the beauty of it all is that no-one can ever take it away from you.

Sincerely,

Love, Leah

[seasons]

((Jan))

I so sorry for your pain. It will get better, everyones replies are so true. You are grieving so with time you will get stronger, even though it does not feel like it now.

Just last week I was able to see my neice her two children for a planned visit. We were invited (me and my three girls). I love my neice, enjoy her company and much love and joy she brings us. She is a young parent who just got her first apartment and MY BROTHER who I now realize is an N too was staying with her.
I thought he was at work, when all of a sudden after we arrived he walks out into the kitchen, I'm standing there all by myself.
Normally I would of wanted to RUN, instead I stood solid groud and let him make the first move. I would of normally ran to him, gave him a big hug and said I love you, Merry Christmas ........blah.....blah......blah.... Being the good girl I'm suppose to be, like ami mentioned on another thread, not rock the boat.

It went like this (have not seen him in one year)

"Hey" selent............"Howya doin"  In a drawled out voice of a guy who drank too much the night before. Not really a question more of a statement.
He acted like I was sitting on a bar stool and he just sat down next to me kinda talk. kwim?

I paused, new me says calmly with out shaking

"How ya doinn"? Back.............lovely ...........nothing more nothing less. I didn't let him in, I was good to me.

I could of never done this a year ago. Time, truth, honoring myself is how was able to get there. I'm still working on other relationships one day at a time.

We had very little interaction, so what. I enjoyed lovely apple pie my neice served and made my own day with the people who are able to love and be real.

My n sisters is another story but my point is we can get better and heal over time, with help and love. seasons

[lighter]

My sister and I hardly acknowledge each other during an entire holiday.

I try not to make eye contact with her and busy myself with children and other stuff.

If I invite her and BIL out for an adult dinner, she promptly declines and says she'll stay with the children.... BIL and I go out, let our hair down and have a great dinner.  I can't imagine how it would go if she went along....

[Hopalong]

Seasons, I can so feel this!

"How ya doinn"? Back.............lovely ...........nothing more nothing less. I didn't let him in, I was good to me.

TRIUMPH!

Yay, you!
(Large brass section going berserk...)

xxoo
Hops