((Jan))
I so sorry for your pain. It will get better, everyones replies are so true. You are grieving so with time you will get stronger, even though it does not feel like it now.
Just last week I was able to see my neice her two children for a planned visit. We were invited (me and my three girls). I love my neice, enjoy her company and much love and joy she brings us. She is a young parent who just got her first apartment and MY BROTHER who I now realize is an N too was staying with her.
I thought he was at work, when all of a sudden after we arrived he walks out into the kitchen, I'm standing there all by myself.
Normally I would of wanted to RUN, instead I stood solid groud and let him make the first move. I would of normally ran to him, gave him a big hug and said I love you, Merry Christmas ........blah.....blah......blah.... Being the good girl I'm suppose to be, like ami mentioned on another thread, not rock the boat.
It went like this (have not seen him in one year)
"Hey" selent............"Howya doin" In a drawled out voice of a guy who drank too much the night before. Not really a question more of a statement.
He acted like I was sitting on a bar stool and he just sat down next to me kinda talk. kwim?
I paused, new me says calmly with out shaking
"How ya doinn"? Back.............lovely ...........nothing more nothing less. I didn't let him in, I was good to me.
I could of never done this a year ago. Time, truth, honoring myself is how was able to get there. I'm still working on other relationships one day at a time.
We had very little interaction, so what. I enjoyed lovely apple pie my neice served and made my own day with the people who are able to love and be real.
My n sisters is another story but my point is we can get better and heal over time, with help and love. seasons