age 17 and therefore unable to just...leave...

[lissie_lou]

I am so glad I found this website.

Well I'm turning 18 in 19 days - and I just discovered tonight that my Dad has this terrible disorder. For my whole life, my dear mother and I have spent hours and hours, buckets of tears trying to figure out WHY our father/husband treated us the way he did. Why he is so spiteful, malicious, selfish, arrogant, self-seeking and just plain rude to us - and what hurts the most is that he keeps this attitude stored up to dish it out at home, yet in front of others he is a perfect gentleman, caring, amusing and kind.

Our conclusion for the last 3 or 4 years has been depression - yet his behaviour still continued to baffle me up until tonight. And although it has been relief to finally discover what it is that my dad has, I am disheartened that there is no cure. I have prayed and prayed for my father, and I guess God is my only chance for a miracle. Yet all the information that I have read says that the best thing to do is 'get out' of the situation. This is just tragic.

My mother and I aren't financially able to just 'get out'. I am in Australia, doing my HSC (final year) and so I would obviously have to wait until at least next year so as not to disturb my studies. All hopes of ever having a 'normal' family life are ruined. We have no family really because my dad has pushed them all away. My brother who is 15 years older than me left when I was three because he could no longer stand being treated like trash. I guess I am different, I put up with the crap my father dishes out because I love him as my dad and have always wanted to appear to have a 'normal' and happy family - like my other friends.

But now I just want to leave. I'm sick of seeing my mother verbally and emotionally abused - a wonderful lady who has protected me and stood up for me continually; who has sacrificed her own happiness in order to see me finish my education (knowing that if we had left earlier, he would have pulled the plug on all financial assistance...). I just want to cry and cry. I could never explain this disorder or problem to my friends, they don't understand because they would never see the way dad acts.

Apart from my mum and my belief in God and that He loves me and can see my situation, I feel terribly alone and just feeling like screaming. Sometimes I wonder if I'm overacting and being silly about the way I feel because up until now, I've never realised what I'm living with. I'm living with an "N" as everyone seems to be referring to them. Wow - like 1% of the population seems to be an "N" and i happen to be blessed with one of them.

I seriously feel like life is unreal...like I'm in a strange dream that I'm meant to wake up from...but that's not going to happen...and I'm in desperate need of some normality.

Dear Jesus hear my cry! In the short 17 years of my life, I feel more burdened than ever before...

[October]

Why he is so spiteful, malicious, selfish, arrogant, self-seeking and just plain rude to us - and what hurts the most is that he keeps this attitude stored up to dish it out at home, yet in front of others he is a perfect gentleman, caring, amusing and kind.

I seriously feel like life is unreal...like I'm in a strange dream that I'm meant to wake up from...but that's not going to happen...and I'm in desperate need of some normality.

Hiya Lissie Lou

The first thing to remember is that you are very young, and that you have your whole life ahead of you.  And the next is to be grateful that you found out about Nism in time, and that there are things you can do to stop it from hurting you, even if you stay at home with your parents.  Ns are to a certain degree predictable, and you can counter their behaviours.  Just don't let them know what you are doing, and don't tell them what you have found out, or they will switch tactics on you before you know it.

I would suggest spending some time finding out as much as you can, and be as honest as you can - there are other conditions that look like Nism and are not quite so bad - try looking at other personality disorders for example.  Take your time, work out what your options are, and what you need to do, and then do it.  And there is no rush.  The main thing is that you know what is normal, and what is not, because you can see that your dad is not normal.  Stick around and learn whatever you can, and you will find lots of friends to support you and help you make the right choices for you in the months and years to come.

And remember 'can't' is very often 'don't want to'.  You will be amazed what you can do if you try.  Remember too that you only have to be responsible for your own life; don't try to find help or healing or whatever for your parents.  That is their own responsibility.

Love

Cathy

[Anonymous]

Hi Lissie Lou -

What a blessing that you are finding this out so early in your "new" adult life!  Many of us here have spent so many years thinking there was something wrong with "us" for having abnormal parents.  

You have lots of great questions.  My advice on that would be to read, read, read as much as you can - Cathy gave you some great pointers and I especially liked the one about researching lots of disorders before you come to the final conclusion that your dad is an N.  I would also suggest to get in counseling as soon as possible.  I don't know your financial / insurance situation, but it would be very helpful for your mother too.  It sounds like you guys are very close, so a possibility would be to even attend together.  I know that may have to wait as your dad probably wouldn't allow or fund it, but just something to tuck away in your brain.  I come from a small town that thought therapy was for "crazy people".  It is the best decision (and most life changing one - for the better) that I have ever made.

Your faith at your age amazes me and I am so glad for you.  Keep strong - it will pull you through many hard times like it already has.  I know at times it may feel like God has abandoned you, but don't lose hope.  He is there - it is just hard to see him in the moment of great distress.  Lots of times in hindsight (when the craziness of the moment is over) I see Him very clearly - in lots of various ways.  I will add you (and your mom) to my prayers for comfort, clarity of mind, and support.  Continue to pray for your dad - I think that says alot about what a kind and loving heart you have - I will too.

Another bit of advice that I have gained after a year of therapy is to let yourself feel exactly what you really feel.  If you are mad as heck, let it out (do you have a journal?  that's a great start).  Also feel free to share with us here.  It gets it off your chest and usually gets some great insight and advice.  Read some of the old posts - there are some great ones and everyone has lots of support for you.  You are not alone.

Take care of yourself, give yourself and your mom a big supportive hug from us and continue to let us hear from you.

Healing hugs for your family,
Michelle

[Jaded]

Hi Lissie,

I can understand why you feel the way you do about life, you have every reason to be confused and saddened.  The one thing that is very important to remember is that you have your hole entire life still in front of you.  You can't help who or what your dad is and even if you could, you just can't help somebody unless they want to be helped.  The N can put on many faces for others to see.  It is very common for them to act like two different people.  They present to the public a totally different person then you know them to be at home.  I know this can be confusing at times.  It can build your hopes up that he has the potential to be a "Normal" person.  Your hopes are then shattered the second you are out of the public eye.  You are then picked apart on how you acted, the things you said, the way you looked at him at a certain moment, etc.

This is confusing for an adult to understand let alone a child.  I actually felt some relief when I stumbled upon Narcisism.  It helped me to understand that it was not me who was dysfunctional, it was him all along.  My view of the world changed because of him but you know what hun, I emotionally and spiritually grew as a result of it.  You can walk away from every experience throughout your lifetime with some sort of gained knowledge and insight.

I know that your father has helped mold and shape you as a person but he does not have the power to sustain that hold for the rest of your life.  Remember who you are and who you inspire to be.  Don't allow yourself to lose sight of the "TRUE YOU".  You have nothing to prove to your father, you have everything  to prove to yourself.  Prove to yourself that you are a worthy person who deserves nothing but the best out of life.
Your father gave you life for which I am sure  you are grateful.  He wasnt capable of guiding you to have the skills to live a happy life because he is miserable within himself.  It is you who must put the puzzle of life together so that you can live the life he gave you.  Happiness is out there for you but I highly doubt that happines includes your father.  Keep researching N and you will see that he is incapable of being happy.

Love to a N is just a word.  We know love to a deep and emotional montage of feelings.  They only know love to be a word they can use to manipulate and to pull their targets in for the kill.  True happiness is out of a N realm.  

You can do it!!!!

[October]

Your faith at your age amazes me and I am so glad for you.  Keep strong - it will pull you through many hard times like it already has.  I know at times it may feel like God has abandoned you, but don't lose hope.  He is there - it is just hard to see him in the moment of great distress.  Lots of times in hindsight (when the craziness of the moment is over) I see Him very clearly - in lots of various ways.  I will add you (and your mom) to my prayers for comfort, clarity of mind, and support.  Continue to pray for your dad - I think that says alot about what a kind and loving heart you have - I will too.

Michelle

I agree with all that Michelle says, but I would add one small thought.  Be careful about your ideas of who and what God is.  It is the easiest thing in the world to mix up N fathers with God the Father, and to mix up some of the characteristics in a confusing way.  This is even more the case if the dad in question has any kind of pretence at faith, because he will have created God in his own image, and then presented that to you as the real thing, just as they present their version of love as the real thing, when it is nowhere near.

I find it far easier to keep away from thoughts of the Deity, in the belief that anything I come up with is bound to be tainted, or at least too small.  I try to focus on Our Lord instead, as a brother, because I had better relationships with my brothers when I was small, and I can relate to adult males as brothers really easily.  I have real problems with authority figures - they really get my back up!!

So by all means pray, and keep the faith, but remember that God is a great mystery, and bigger than anything we can imagine, and that anything we can imagine is likely to be N tainted.

love

Cathy

[Jaded]

October,

I just thought your post was awesome to Lissie about being careful.  Even God is not off limits to a N.  I think youre right on with this.  If a N can twist the minds of many about anything that could better them, even the word of god is not safe with a N.

Mindy

[Anonymous]

Lissie,

Has your mother ever considered divorcing him? That seems the most effective way to escape from him and take care of her children. Could she not get a financial settlement from a divorce, allowing her to support you?

Please see this website about divorce in Australia:

http://www.familycourt.gov.au/guide/html/basics.html

bunny

[Anonymous]

Dear Lissie Lou,

I too join the others in saying what a blessing that you have your eyes open and also, you have a mother who stuck up for you!  Many of us have had "bystanders" as parents as well as N abusers.  So, you've got many great things going for you.  We're glad you found the board too and we're ready to cheer you on.

Ditto about N+God.  

Also, don't think you can change your dad.  you can only find a way to accept the truth of what he's got and how he is.  That doesn't mean accepting his behavior, it just means accepting the unchangability of it and the reality of the nature of your relationship.  There is a new book out about dealing with the borderline parent (not that he's that, but I think it is helpful for dealing with any flavor of dysfunctional parents.)

At 17/18, I hope you will learn what you can so you can heal, so you can avoid hooking up with Ns as partners (we seem to marry our parents), and so you can find safe people for support and friendship.  You don't have to convince your friends your dad is awful.  You just have to protect yourself.  If they don't understand, just say I know it's hard to understand that someone can treat family members so differently from friends, but some people do.  Your relationship with my dad is going to be different from mine, as his daughter.  And leave it at that.  

Take it one step at a time.  Hugs to you, Seeker

[yuki]

Hi Lissie,

I was in a somewhat similar situation to yours - being a teen, knowing something was really wrong with my family, but having no power or freedom to do anything. I finally moved out when I was 20 and started therapy soon after that.

It's great that you're looking into all of this now and finding out what you can about it. The sooner you start, the better. And just by trying to get more information about it you've already started your own healing process.

Do you have access to therapy through your school? I suggest seeing a therapist. If your family/community is against therapy (it's shameful, it's for crazy people, it's a waste of money, whatever) maybe try to look at it like this - in any situation in life it makes sense to get the advice of someone who is a professional in that field. You need legal advice, you see a lawyer. Medical advice, see a doctor. Here you're dealing with psychology - you're just consulting with someone who is a professional psychologist.

I know you've got an awful lot to think about already, but you might want to find out more about co-dependency. Basically co-dependency means certain unhealthy behaviors that a family develops when one of them has an addiction or mental illness. From what you said about your family I got the feeling of co-dependency, especially that your mother may be co-dependent to your father. It's actually healthier for everyone involved if even one person (you ) stops going along with the co-dependency. The best thing you can do for your family is to get yourself healthier.

I think it's very brave for you to post here and it's great that you're trying to sort this all out. I just wanted to bring up one more point, and I know you've already got a lot to think about, but... I got the sense of you being all tangled up in your parents' problems. Of course that's going to happen to some extent when you're a minor and living with them. But I got the sense of it being more than that. Like you've somehow been taught to take on more of the burden and responsibility than is actually yours here. You don't have to take care of anyone else or fix things in your family. If that doesn't make sense now, that's ok, just keep it in the back of your mind.

Take care, I hope you will keep posting here and I hope you find the answers you're looking for. Oh, and BTW the unreal feeling you mentioned in your life may be dissociation. It's a coping device that your psyche uses to protect you from being overwhelmed.

Yuki

[lissie_lou]

Well what angels there are out there to support and give advice! For that I am truly and sincerely grateful!

Yeah counselling isn't a problem - there is a wonderful counsellor at our school whom I would be quite happy to go and see. The only thing is, I guess Mum was brought up to always appear as though everything is fine on the outer...that sort of 'saving face' and unfortunately I think I've picked up that trait too! I think I will have to let go of that and just realise that it's not always good to keep emotion into yourself.

And those who were concerned over my opinion of God and getting mixed up with images of my father - I'm pretty sure that my faith is secure and that He is seen in a very different light to my real father so yeah - it's what keeps me sane and hopeful through all this  

I truly am grateful for discovering all this and I'm sure I have a lot of reading to do in order to be sure of what I am dealing with at home. And yes, through all of this I have learnt to become stronger, to persevere, to be patient and just to love. Yeah, regardless of how bad my dad is, i don't hate him for one minute. And although I could certainly have chosen to do so, it makes me feel better knowing instead that I CHOSE instead to love him. He hasn't forced me too, it has been my choice. And so therefore that love is sort of comforting for me because I know now not to expect anything back - and that's ok. He can't help it...

Thank you once again for enlightening me a lot more and for giving me so many questions to think about! These last two days have truly been quite life changing! So I guess I'll just have to keep embracing the future!

God bless xoxo