Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Self-doubt

(1/4) > >>

Michelle:
Well, it's been 7 weeks now since I last talked with my mother.  She's changed her tune for a little while to "upbeat".  By that I mean her messages weren't totally condescending and horrible.  They had a small touch of "hopeful" niceness.  For example, one message she left said "I just wanted to call and see how you are.  And just say that I love you michelle - pause - I love you".  After I heard that message on the voicemail, the "hopeful child" in me almost called her immediately to make up.  Then I remembered very clearly what "making up" consists of in my family.  Me calling to say I was wrong, apologizing, and being "good" for awhile.  Well, I'm done with those days.  There is nothing good that comes from the neverending pattern of damage and hurt caused by my vicious mother.  When I had those feelings of wanting to call her, I sat down and typed this journal entry...


--- Quote ---June 8, 2004

I haven’t spoken to my mother in 7 weeks today.  She called a couple of times last week (I saw it on the caller id) but didn’t leave a message.  She sent a postcard to the kids last week from Florida, so I guess she and Steve went on vacation.  She called yesterday and left a message – a nice one which is unusual.  At first I felt an immediate panic attack come on and that I should call her.  I held out though and didn’t until I could gather my thoughts and think about it.  At that point I could see that I was doing great and that I shouldn’t chance that by calling her.  Not to mention that she hasn’t pointed the finger at herself in any of her messages or emails since I have cut off communication – in other words, no regrets or acknowledgement of her part in the end of our relationship.  Today she emailed me that one of my favorite ladies in my growing up church had died.  I didn’t respond, and a few hours later I got an email that said simply “please call your mama”.  I’m not sure if it was from her or Steve.  Again, I felt very “obligated” to call her at that moment but didn’t.  In hindsight I am glad that I didn’t.  I can feel a change going on in my life since I have drawn that final serious line with her.  I will list the things that I feel are different:
1.   I am capable of making choices on my own.
2.   I am not my mother.
3.   I do not need my mother to successfully live my life.
4.   I am an adult.
5.   I am a good parent.
6.   I am not and do not have to be perfect.
7.   I do not have to feel badly for drawing boundaries with her.
8.   Her craziness is her problem not mine.
9.   Her craziness is her choice not my fault.
10.   I do not owe her an explanation for the choices I make.
My life has been happier, calmer, less stressful and clearer since I have stopped talking to her.  I am very sad for the mother that I wish she could be and I actually feel a weird sort of grief for her – the mother in my dreams.  Sadly, I do not miss my real mother at all.  The only negative feelings I feel are guilt and obligation and both of those are because she has trained my brain to feel those feelings.  It is her voice in my head telling me the way that I feel.  I now realize that it is not really the way I feel.  It is time for her to get out of my head.

--- End quote ---


Today, I got this email from her -


--- Quote ---Hi Michelle, Did you get the message that I sent you yesterday about Ms Margaret? well I was just wondering if you got the  gift certificate that I sent the babies too?  It may not hurt you to be thinking about the way you have been acting lately toward me,I dont know "WHAT I could have possibly done to you to make you so mad at me?  All I am guilty of is caring about you and wanting to see how you all are and if that irritates you so much then you surely must have a problem! I dont think it would hurt you  too much to at least acknowledge that  you have enough respect for me that you can be  civilized and talk about whats on your mind. Im here if you want to do that. I love you Michelle and wish I could help you Love mama
--- End quote ---


Of course, this email showed me that she hasn't changed at all.  She still thinks it is totally my fault and she will never be able to admit that she could possibly do anything wrong.  Why do I hold on to this dream that she will change?  It is an awful, heartbreaking dream and it hurts worse every time I realize it.  

Does anyone have any supportive stories to share where they feel this same sense of self-doubt?  I know that I am not giving in.  The reason I know this is because if I give in again (like in the past) I feel like in a sense I will die.  I have to live.  I have to find out who I am and create a new person to live inside of me instead of my mother.  I can't let her rule me anymore - it will continue the damage in me and filter down to my family.  It has to stop.  I just have this awful, deep, depressing feeling of being so terribly alone and that scares me more than anything I have ever felt.

Michelle

Anonymous:
Hi Michelle,

She sure knows how to lay on a guilt trip, doesn't she? If she loves you so much, why doesn't she shut up and stop the guilt-tripping messages? If she loves you so much, why is she so intrusive and shaming? Well, some mothers are just disturbed and clueless.

I think your feeling of being alone is what she feels, and you are receiving a powerful projection. Your mother has very fragile boundaries between herself and others. She may "put" her unbearable feelings into a person she wants to contain it and feel it for her. Then that person thinks they are feeling their own feeling. But they aren't! Of course I could be wrong here.

bunny

mighty mouse:
Michelle,

Ditto Bunny. She rocks as usual.

I too have cut off my Mom. I've felt all of the things you have listed. And they are valuable. The way I see it, I need ME more than I need HER.

And one more thing.....Inappropriate guilt. Guilt is for someone who has done something wrong. That's not you!

Stand your ground and you will feel better everyday. You are doing what you need to do for you and YOUR family. Make the family you wished you had and be the Mom you wished you had. I don't think you can do that with her around.

MM

seeker:
Hi Michelle,

That's pretty powerful stuff your mom is throwing out there.  Good for you for sidestepping it and letting it fly by.  When I read your post I thought of the article I read a few weeks ago about being willing to be perceived as the bad guy/persecutor as you leave the drama game.  You are not a persecutor, you are simply leaving the games behind.  But the gameplayers will accuse you to keep you in the game.  Ironically we feel victimized by the accusations of being the bad guy!  

It seems like you are recognizing this craziness for yourself from what you write in your journal.  Way to go!!

I went through some of this same garbage and felt exactly the same way.  But they can only hold a one-way dialogue for so long without someone to hold the mirror for them.  My extremely psycho SIL would use news, borrowed items, my brother, other people, etc. as "coupons" for interaction with me.  "I have something you want" was the message dangled in front of me.   :roll:

I finally torched the thought of accepting any more of her contaminated "offers".  When you realize how icky and sticky any communication is with a crazy person, you will not be tempted to return the call or email.  Again, good for you!!!   :D  :D  :D  Hugs, Seeker

yuki:
Wow Michelle... I like how her "nice" email is saying that you have a problem because she couldn't possibly have done anything wrong! I'm always amazed at how Ns can sneak in those manipulative little guilt trips and still manage to sound so nice overall!

It's just like a N to start pointing fingers, too.

I think, for N mothers, their relationship with their daughter makes them feel so good that they can't even imagine why anyone would want to end it. They can't understand that their daughter doesn't have the exact same feelings as they do (if they even consider their daughter's feelings at all). If something is good for the N then it must be A GOOD THING!

(I'm feeling very thankful right now that when I broke off contact with my mom, she just switched to my dad. Now her focus is entirely on him - she controls him and uses him to feed her narcissism and all of the stuff she used to do to me. She's even given him an eating disorder. A grown man! I'd feel sorry for him but... he chose to marry her in the first place, and then he stood idly by while she emotionally abused me for years)

It's also hard because I think most of us were taught to take care of others before ourselves, be nice to everyone, never hurt anybody, etc. Breaking off contact and refusing to go along with her cycle goes against things we've been taught. And I think we all have a very deep rooted desire to have a loving relationship with our mothers... even when they're not capable of it, that need is still there. Good for you for breaking off contact and refusing to dance her crazy dance. :)

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page