Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Self-doubt
flower:
Michelle,
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Thanks so much for your insight and support.
It aided my healing. Too much of my heart
was in this post to let it remain here for posterity on the web.
The post served its purpose and now it is time to
edit it or gently take it down.
To every thing there is a season, and a time
to every purpose under the heaven: Ecclesiates 3:1
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Thanks for posting your journal entries- they helped me.
Anonymous:
Bunny - As always you have great advice. Are you a psychologist by profession? Your insight is always right on. Thanks especially for explaining the projection. Still a little fuzzy on that whole thing, but I'm learning more and seeing how accurate it really is. Thank you.
MM - That is so true about needing ourselves more than we need them. I have to tell myself that pretty often to not think I need her more. Also, thanks for the clarification of the inappropriate guilt. I overlook that detail quite often.
Seeker - I love your statement from the article about being perceived as the bad guy / persecutor. I need to put that on my fridge: "I am not a persecutor. My mother says I am, but I am not. I have no reason to feel badly. I am just protecting myself and my family. I am ending the insanity." I also like your explanation of "holding the mirror for them". That makes a lot of sense for me, especially since I have the priveledged job of "primary" mirror holder. Not a fun or productive job by any means.
Yuki - I felt badly for your dad too...for a second until you said the part about him standing by during your emotional abuse. No more sympathy here. Same way in my family. My dad wasn't as emotionally abusive as her, but he had his own things going on. And he stood by while we all suffered. Makes me feel nauseated just thinking about it. Your right about being "taught" to display all those destructive attitudes. I am untraining myself in that area and it's really hard.
Flower - Thanks for referencing your other post. I had missed it (I haven't been able to be on here every day lately) and am so glad I got to read it. The whole family reunion / photocopy of your mother's response sounds just like something my mother would pull. CRAZY and totally unexplainable and non-understandable. I agree with everyone about your daughter - keep her away at all costs and do not let your mom know she is ill. My mother loves being the martyr when someone is sick....."oh look at me I am such a wonderful caretaker." Bleeeeeeeggggggggghhhhhhhhhh - Gag! That's really scary about the hidden behavior of your mom with your kids. Gross. I can totally see my mom doing that. Fortunately, we live on the opposite coast as her, she's scared to death of planes and we live in a huge city so she'd never venture here on her own. Also, only feel bad for your dad for a while. It is his choice to stay there. I know he is older, but it he still has a choice. It is not your problem or fault that he sticks around. Thanks for your support!
So here's another question for everyone - has everyone cut off their "N" completely? Meaning no communication whatsoever? I'm just curious at the different ways you deal with the N. I know for me, right now at least, it has to be 100% or 0% - I have chosen the 100% non-communication. I don't return her emails, phone calls, letters. I just let them fade off into the sky. That kills her I know and although I do feel guilty I have to admit to having quite a bit of satisfaction about giving her anxiety after all the years she has dished it out to me. Kind of mean, I know. From 0-100%, what amount do you feel that you communicate with them? Also, how well is that working out for you personally? Just curious.
Michelle:
Sorry, forgot to sign in. That was me.
seeker:
Dear Michelle,
Regarding your question of cutting off Ns completely: I have cut off my psychotic SIL and hence my brother as well 100%. They wanted too much of my life invested in solving their problems, taking on their responsibilities, my money, my time, my kids, everything. I had to say NO you can't have it, it's mine. There was no "sharing" and it was inappropriate to think that sharing would be possible in areas that are shaped by one's own decisions and life choices. Have you seen the new Harry Potter movie yet? They are like the "dementers" sucking the life out of people.
I have other Ns in my life. One is older and now beginning to drown in self-pity designed to draw us all in. I have minimized contact but stay in touch. I can take small doses more frequently since I am building up an immunity. But if I over-commit myself to the relationship I start to get weak and ill. Sort of like kryptonite.
Yuki, my father is doing the same thing to my mother as your mother is to your father. I guess it depends on which direction the N weapon is pointed as to how much one can stand. It's easy for a person to stand next to it as long as it isn't pointed at them! It's like wrestling with a rocketlauncher. :shock:
OK, the metaphor machine is going to sign off now! :wink: Take care everybody. Seeker
Anonymous:
Hi Michelle,
I'm not a therapist or a psychologist. I studied psychology. And I read many books and journal articles.
Your mother's behavior really is outrageous. Maybe she is basically a nut and totally distorts everything. She makes herself impossible to deal with.
bunny
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