Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Self-doubt
shixie:
Michelle I wish you all the luck and strength in the world. When you mentioned the panic attack it brought back vivid memories of mine when I had to deal with my father or ex. The panic attacks help me stay away. I felt anyone who mad me feel that bad should not be contacted. When I left my ex for my husband, it was him who told me I was suffering from PTSD. In the begining it's hard, but the longer you are away the stronger you will get. Alot of my childhood illnesses went away after I cut off contact with my N father. I was a very nervous child with irritable bowel syndrome while growing up as well as constantly sick with asthma. When I moved out at 18 many of my chronic complaints subsided, only to return later in the relationship with my ex N. They made me physically sick from the stress. Be strong, there is alot of support here.
Singer:
--- Quote from: Michelle ---Does anyone have any supportive stories to share where they feel this same sense of self-doubt? I know that I am not giving in. The reason I know this is because if I give in again (like in the past) I feel like in a sense I will die. I have to live. I have to find out who I am and create a new person to live inside of me instead of my mother. I can't let her rule me anymore - it will continue the damage in me and filter down to my family. It has to stop. I just have this awful, deep, depressing feeling of being so terribly alone and that scares me more than anything I have ever felt.
Michelle
--- End quote ---
Hi Michelle,
My situation is a little different that yours in that I’ve been the one to try to maintain some level of communication with my Nmother. At first it was because I didn’t realize what was going on and had absorbed her version of myself as weak and incompetent. I felt like she had a right to remind me of my flaws at every opportunity, because I know I DO have flaws and, as she said, why would I object to being reminded of the truth? She accuses everyone who objects to her cruelty as being afraid of the truth.
I hadn’t spoken with her for several months, but had recently resumed calling her once a week to see how she’s doing. She’s 79 years old, refuses to make or keep doctor appointments, and is a very poor driver. However when I called last Saturday she declined my offer to bring her groceries and after about a half hour of one-sided “conversation” launched into yet another lengthy recollection of one of my perceived failures. After several unsuccessful attempts to interrupt and divert her train of thought, I finally just said, “Stop!” Although she’s hard of hearing, this got her attention. She said, “What?” and I asked her why every conversation had become an attempt to make me feel bad or guilty about something. Her reply was, “Don’t you EVER call me again!” and she hung up on me.
So that’s it. I can tell you though that it has taken a very long time to accept that I don’t have to live with her verbal abuse. It’s not new and it’s not a result of age. I remember coming home for a visit about thirty years ago, after having lived away for about a year, and being silently shocked at the rude and belittling way she spoke to my father. I didn’t have the courage to call her on it then, and anyway my father was her staunchest supporter. But that’s another story; he had issues of his own that were the result of his own upbringing.
Anyway, what I wanted to say is even though the situation is different, I can really feel what you’re going through. Especially what you say about being tempted to call your mother and make up when you heard a hint of “niceness” in her voice. I’ve been down that road countless times, and believe me it doesn’t lead anywhere except right back to where you started, but you realize that already.
One thing I would like to know though is how did you come to the realization that your mother was an N? I had pretty much resigned myself to a life of trying to atone for my perceived “sins” against my mother, and was awash in guilt and depression when I followed a link on another message board from someone who’s father’s messages on her answering machine had literally driven her to drink. I couldn’t believe my eyes when encountered the term narcissism and read what seemed to be the story of my Life with Mother. Without the funds or insurance for therapy, this board has literally been the answer to a prayer.
Singer
Anonymous:
Just a quick note here.
Hi Michelle,
Gosh, you mother seems so insidious!
However your list of 10 things shows that you really seem centered / foculsed/ in control here. You know exactly what is going on and how to stay out of it's destructive path. It is so confusing and painful to be forced to draw such strict boundaries... Especially with mother, who has probably always taught you that your boundaries are wrong and you are bad for setting them. You and all of the others here are extremely strong! Keep on taking care of yourself!
peace, sjkravill
flower:
Dear Michelle,
------------------------------------------------------
Thanks so much for your insight and support.
It aided my healing. Too much of my heart
was in this post to let it remain here for posterity on the web.
The post served its purpose and now it is time to
edit it or gently take it down.
To every thing there is a season, and a time
to every purpose under the heaven: Ecclesiates 3:1
------------------------------------------------------------
Seeker, I like those metaphores - especially, the kryptonite one. We've said about grandma that getting close to her is like hugging a cactus with a machine gun.
Michelle:
Seeker - Thanks for the response about cutting off the n's. I agree with you - my mother is much like your SIL & brother in the fact that she has to have everything. There is no middle ground. So I have finally come to the conclusion that it has to be nothing since I can't continue giving her everything and remain healthy myself.
Bunny - It doesn't surprise me that you have studied psychology. Your posts are very meaty and always resemble much of what my counselor (who I respect very much) says. You also don't mind calling a rat a rat. :wink:
Shixie - You are so right about the panic attacks. They are a clear sign that you are embarking on territory that is off limits. I am learning to listen to my body's signs more. That is so interesting that your health has improved since you have removed yourself from the toxic situations. I hope you are doing better since you have separated yourself from your ex N.
Singer - Good for you with standing up against your mother. I hope it has left you feeling stronger and more independent than ever. In answer to your question, I didn't really "realize" that my mother was an N. I started counseling last June (a year of heaven I might add) because I had finally reached my wits end with her and felt like I was going to jump off the deep end as fast as I could. When I started going, my original goal (I had no psychology background or knowledge at this time) was to learn how to get along with her without totally disobeying God. After a few sessions of just unloading my anger, frustration and confusion my counselor began teaching me to slowly set boundaries. My mother had always used God as a threat against me and so my (christian) counselor also began to unravel the mixed up beliefs that my mother had ingrained in me (in hindsight a bunch of bull that was only self-serving for her). I have learned more about myself and God (and also my mother) than I ever thought possible.....most of it eye-opening and inspiring. My mother in law (who is a chaplain at a retirement village) made the comment to me a few months ago that she thought my mother (from my descriptions of her) displayed some N tendencies. I mentioned this to my counselor and she said she totally agreed and that she couldn't diagnose her "officially" without having sessions with her but that was her professional best guess. After coming to this board, I agree with them b/c I see so much of my mother in others stories. It is so encouraging and makes me feel like I can finally be who I am, stand up proud and not take any more of this abuse ever again. It brings tears to my eyes knowing that I don't have to suffer anymore. Thank you so much for your supportive post. I am glad that this board has also provided you with the support that you need and the encouragement to make a better life for yourself. Sorry this answer to your question was so long. :roll:
Sjkravill - Your right - insidious is a perfect word to describe my mother. Thank you for your support and encouragement!
Flower - I love your "hugging a cactus with a machine gun" phrase. I laughed out loud with that one. :lol: I have a weird story for you. I was just rereading the part where you talked about your dad's response "she's the boss and she's never wrong" in a humorous way. My dad used to always have this little saying that he would say to my mom when she started her little temper tantrums or when he agreed with us instead of her. When she turned up the heat he would always go back on his support or agreement with us and side with her again. She made life hell for him if he didn't (not excusing him). His phrase was "Yes dear, whatever you say dear". And it was always said with humor but looking back now it kind of makes me sad in a weird way. Thanks for your support and sharing your story Flower. It means alot and helps me through this hard time.
Michelle
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