Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
WTF??!!...
flower:
Hi Rojo and MM,
Rojo - That panic attack on the bridge sounds like such a horrible experience.
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Thanks so much for your insight and support.
It aided my healing. Too much of my heart
was in this post to let it remain here for posterity on the web.
The post served its purpose and now it is time to
edit it or gently take it down.
To every thing there is a season, and a time
to every purpose under the heaven: Ecclesiates 3:1
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You are so blessed to have such a good brother!
Oh, I wished I had someone like that in my extended family.
MM - Pouty *and* vengeful! Phew.. What a mom...
I like the shredding without reading the message.
edited
Anonymous:
Hey Rojo,
Hang in there ! Overcoming an N experience is hard. And it takes a long time. And there will be setbacks. And it's not the end of the world, it's the beginning of a renewed committment to heal. Each and every time....
When I first realized about my soon to be exNH's Narcissism, I figured that since I now knew what the problem was, I could shrug it off like a coat. Wrong !
And even after I moved out, I figured NOW that I am away from him, it will all be better. Wrong again !!
Don't get me wrong, it IS better and I AM healing and it was the best thing for me to leave, but I am finding that it really takes a long time and lots of attention to so many aspects of existence. And along the way you fall down and have to expect that and accept that and receive it as a lesson.
So, when the lesson comes, instead of getting angry at yourself, give yourself credit for all of the ways that were right. There will always be something to pick on, we are human. It's actually harder to find the good things. But they are there and YOU know what they are. Just give yourself that present, you deserve it.
I've been gone over a year. I still struggle. I still hear that admonishing voice in my head. A couple of weeks ago, I realized that I was starting to get mild panic attacks again. We are trying to settle our finances and are communicating a lot right now. It's only email, I don't even have to see him or listen to him.....it doesn't matter, it just sets the whole thing off.
So, I have been working on the breathing. When I get so much as a twinge, I stop and breathe. And it helps. Am I anxiety free? No, but by giving myself time out, by making helping myself more important than the pain, the symptoms and HIM, it helps.
I took a little yoga to learn some deep breathing and I recommend it. Panic attacks are pretty scary as you have said in your posts. I was medicated for a while and that enabled me to actually leave, but I would rather know how to help myself without the drugs now.
You are fortunate to have a husband who is understanding and someone to discuss all of this with. And the dogs too !! Don't worry, they will forgive you. I think it's great that you were able to work out all of the reasons and zero in on the real trigger. And then work out an "alarm system" to help you next time. See how much you got out of this !!
Like I said, hang in there.... really you are doing fine. Congratulations on going back to school !! Some of it may just be that you are stressed because you are doing a lot. Just remembering that might help when you are feeling overwhelmed. Like....of course I'm overwhelmed....look at what I'm doing !! Yikes ! And then go kiss the dogs.....nothing like those little beasties to get your blood pressure down and your priorities straight.
So, keep us posted now and then.....
Gingerpeach
Rojo:
Oh, you folks are all so terrific....sniff.
Thanks ever so much. God bless.
Rojo :D
lynn as guest:
--- Quote from: Rojo ---4. Art was a huge connection with my now deceased Dad and was all I ever wanted to be involved in since time began. I fell out of it as a career when I moved abroad, then couldn't get back into it after he was murdered, despite enormous personal effort. My soul just couldn't handle it. After almost 10 years, I'm persuing it again via a different medium. Is this all coming from fear of confronting my true self...me the artist...me the artist's surviving daughter?
--- End quote ---
Hi Rojo,
I know this thread has taken a different direction, but I wanted to comment on #4. Like you, I have a certain need for creativity in my life. Music was my primary outlet for many years.... but after some things happened ( I won't go into details here) I found that music came from an extremely difficult place within me. It was so passionate that it hurt.
After that I tried writing, but it too was angst filled.
Now, I paint with oils. The expression is still there. The creativity is still there. The ablity to be in touch with myself is still there. But painting comes from a peaceful place. The change in medium has been an amazing outlet for me.
I DO think that the creative process puts you in touch with your inner self. For me, I can now be in touch with that self in a gentle way.... not a jabbing, painful way.
Warmly,
lynn
Portia:
Rojo, thank you for putting your thoughts down so well, it’s very helpful, to see you working thoughts through. My it’s complicated. But rewarding. I just loved your posting style. So honest! :D Love it. Hug. P
Lynn you said this: “I found that music came from an extremely difficult place within me. It was so passionate that it hurt.” And I just want to say, I’m so sorry, I feel I understand you a little better for your saying this and I’m sad for you. I know there’s passion deep in you and that it is also passion with depth. I hope, I really hope you can reach it at some time, without it hurting, somehow making peace with the hurt to reach that part of you…sorry, not being very articulate at all, but this seems a very private place and I’m wandering in wearing size 11 mountain boots as usual. I want to say be strong for yourself Lynn, when you’re ready, there’s no rush. Optimistically, with love, P
PS Rojo: a quick hijack of your thread to go way off!
Dear all. Hiya! I've been catching up on the board today and as ususal want to respond to about 6 different posts but will, as usual, limit myself to a couple. :roll: I read just about everything because there's always something new to learn! E.g. Rojo's thread here really got me thinking, kind of 'one day I'll be like this, I hope' thinking. Look at what a short journey she has from confusion to comprehension! Amazing. Respect! But...but...I feel slightly weird now about my post above. I feel everso slightly silenced, walking around eggshells, if not directly on them and guess what? That's an icky feeling, one that I've just learned to recognise as Bad For Me. (Hey, give me a break, I've never been in therapy so it takes a while! :roll: :D ) So I feel compelled to say hey Lynn, hope you take my message as it's meant, in all goodness for you....and my goodness, just look at how I'm double explaining myself! :shock: Fascinating. :D Hugs. P
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