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a quick question from someone who is still new to all this!

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lissie_lou:
Just a quick question:

Is it unusual for an N who is 'grandiose' and thinks extremely highly of themselves to lose sense of dress? That they just can't be bothered to dress nicely? 'Cos that's what has happened with my dad - he just doesn't care about what he wears and won't dress well unless mum puts out the clothes for him etc...

Anyways - this board is so helpful and supportive!

Luv Liss xoxoxo

Anonymous:
Hi Lissie,

IMHO, this might just be the "6 yr old boy" inside of your dad rearing his "take care of me damn it wife" head.  Maybe its not that he doesnt care what he looks like, maybe its just a matter of putting your mom at his beck and call AGAIN.

N are not good at making decisions.  Heck, if he has to think of what he needs to wear for the day, precious time bossing you all around would be lost.  I personally feel that N are unmotivated and their butts drag on everything.  Picking out an outfit, pffffft, heck why would he if your mum would do it for him?

Karin:
Hi Lissie Lou

Yes, guest is right because that's exactly how my N father-in-law kept tabs on his wife. From the minute she got out of bed in the morning she had to attend to him. She was a classic enabler and said that if she didn't pick out his clothes he would end up wearing something very odd, which of-course he would do deliberately if she wasn't there to help him...

You seem to be on the right track Lissie. You say (in your other post) that you get along well with your Mum. Have you shared your latest insights with her? I ask this because my three kids (the youngest being around your age when I found out about narcissim) and I pulled together and helped each other as we dealt with my soon-to-be ex N husband and their father. I'm not saying you have to help her or even share your discovery with her, but if you think she is a victim here as well, you might find some strength together. I know this is ganging up on him, but with a true N, you need all the help you can get, even when you leave home. My eldest daughter is still a little vulnerable to her father's demands, but with the rest of us backing her up she finds it easier to repel him.

Good Luck with your HSC!
Karin (in WA).

lissie_lou:
Yeah that is interesting - he just can't be bothered to do anything that is sort of 'everyday'. We built a new house 3 years ago and STILL it the outside areas haven't been finished. Dad, insisting on saving money said he would do the garden himself. Well - 3 years later, it is only just being finished due to mum's frustration resulting in paying someone else to do it. And of course, he was NOT happy...

He tends to start a job with such motivation and enthusiasm, but it only lasts for a few days if that, and then he can't be bothered to finish it. Very spontaneous...

He is like a kid; that will unwrap all the birthday presents he receives but won't clean up all the wrapping paper afterwards.

What frustrates me heaps is when we are sitting down at the dinner table and we have guests, and if the conversation isn't revolving around him or something he is interested in, he literally sits there and turns his head away...looking out the window etc... It amazes me it really does. And I think I would fall off my seat if I ever saw him help clear away the dishes!

Yeah Mum knows about this condition - in fact, she only admitted to me yesterday that she knew he had it about 2 years ago. she just never told me because she was worried I wouldn't understand or would stress heaps etc. I don't think she has coped very well in how to deal with him; only from the point that I realise now that one should never argue with an N or disagree with him. But Mum really struggles to just let Dad win all the time. It is SOOOO hard to accept that they CAN'T REASON like we do; that Dad can't and will never be able to think of other people's point of view... So yeah I think Mum has felt heaps better that I know now and we can support each other and keep each other from going insane!

Thanks once again - feeling ever so encouraged by such kind and helpful words from people here xoxo

Anonymous:
lissie lou,

It isn't really fair on you to be your mother's confidante and support against your father. Your mother is a grownup and she is supposed to be dealing with her problems without resorting to her children as "partners in misery." It's not going to help you in the long run, seriously. I am continuing to wonder why she remains married to this narcissistic man when it seems like a truly miserable deal for her.

bunny

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