Patronizing ...... people .... it's so awful to * see * and also to * feel *

[Leah]

Tomorrow, I go along to meet with some lovely people from all walks of life, who just so happen to live all together now, for various reasons, in a retirement home.

But, they are still the same people as they were when living independently.

So, my question is:   Why talk to them as though they were nothing?   

Patronizing is my pet hate ... can you tell 

Q:  How can one explain to someone, with due care and dignity, and consideration, of the vast difference between genuine appreciation and encouragement, and the dreaded Patronizing.  ??

Me wonders.

Love, Leah

[cats paw]

Leah,

  Good question.  If someone thought or felt I was doing that, I would like to be gently taken aside and have the person or
  bystander use I statements if they felt so strongly that patronizing was what I was doing.

  Are you talking only about in 3D?  I think it could be much easier to recognize with visual cues.

  Patronizing is many things, combined, isn't it?

  I worked with some doctors who could seem very patronizing.  Methinks you may be thinking in a different context, though-
  from what you mentioned about these people from all walks of life?

cats paw

 

[Leah]

Well, after much googling, have found this, which is most insightful, so I will sit and study this.


Patronizing Behavior: Where it Stems from, What to Do if You Dole it Out or Receive It

To be patronized is to be treated as if you are less intelligent or knowledgeable than the person you’re speaking with, and it can be one of the most frustrating experiences you can have in life.

Anyone can be patronized -- men, women, seniors, young people -- and patronization can take on many forms, such as:

• Addressing someone by their first name when others are addressed more properly

• Patting a person in a wheelchair on their head or soldier

• Giving excess praise to someone for a fairly simple action

• Assigning someone remedial tasks at work or at home

• Speaking slowly or excessively loud to an elderly person

• Talking “down” to someone

Even objects can be perceived as patronizing. For example, a recent survey by ad agency Saatchi & Saatchi found that many of the women surveyed felt patronized by the abundance of pink objects” in the technology category, such as cell phones, iPods, etc.

But being patronized is more than just frustrating.  It can lead to issues with self-esteem and can negatively affect your performance at work.

In fact, according to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, male bosses who patronized their female employees undermined their performance. The bosses patronized the women workers by offering them excessive praise, but no “valued resources,” such as raises or promotions.



Why People Patronize Others, and What to do if You’re Patronized

“People patronize others because of their own insecurity and self-doubt,”  “They need to tear others down in order to feel OK.”

If you are a patronizer, you may not even realize that you are doing it.

For instance, “It may be hard for men to see that they are behaving in discriminatory ways because the praise they are giving to women may feel like it is a reflection of genuine positive regard."

Often, however, people who patronize others do knowingly try to boost themselves up at the expense of making someone else feel somehow less worthy.


Well, aside from my reason for searching for information, gives clarity on my experience of being patronized and invalidated in the position of "victim" and "survivor" as once you voiced your life, you were robbed of everything you had attained in life, i.e. career and intelligence etc.

Much the same with the senior ladies and gentlemen who live in their retirement home.   

Food for thought.

Love, Leah

[cats paw]

Leah,

  Many moons ago, I worked in a retirement home for a summer when I was in school.  I was very slow, not only because I was new to the job, but because I wanted to get to know these folks as people.  I went home and cried every day for two weeks, but I kept at it, and received many rewards that I still can remember.

  Do you have any thoughts on how you will handle it when you see it?  Probably one of the best ways is being a good example, but
does that article go any further on What to do if You're Patronized?

cats paw

[Leah]

Dear Cats Paw,

Really speaking, on a personal basis, one comes across being Patronized for the very reasons highlighted in the above article.

People putting another down, for reasons known only to themselves, it's cowardly, in my view.

With regard to my visiting the retirement home as a Befriender, it pains me to * see * some of the ladies and gentlemen who live there, after all, it is their home, and it is awful to see and hear them being patronized.  And their voice is being totally ignored as they voice to complain about it.

After the content and context "Feel Like an Object" thread, it struck me, just how they must * feel *

Cats Paw, thank you, I am going to use the * I Feel * approach in explaining, gently, with care, with  * How would you feel ? *
if you were sitting in their chair, or shoes.

Think that's about all that I can do really.

If I get thrown out with my mince pie, I will let you know!   

Many thanks,

Leah

[cats paw]

Leah,

  I would like to hear how it goes.  If you would like to hear one of the rewards I still have the memory of -

  One of the men was a very hard of hearing and prickly guy.  He used to throw his bedpan when one didn't answer his call light
  quick enough, I was told.  As I said, I was slow, but one day he about startled me out of my skin when he started talking to me
  and asking me questions about if I had kids, etc.  I had the good fortune of having an I-I relationship with this man, and also the   
  good fortune of his not slinging his used bedpan when I took a minute or two to answer his light !

cats paw

  Edit in- The reason he startled me so much is that whenever I would talk to him, he would act so grouchy, but would always want me to
  repeat what he didn't hear, and then he would just answer with a word or two.  So the day he (loudly!) struck up a conversation with me,
  I was quite surprised.
 

[Leah]

Dear Cats Paw,

Thanks for sharing, the difference you made to his life in taking time the chat with him, must have made him feel like a valid person.

Was just going to ask how you got on in your role.   The problem in this home I refer to, seems to be happening from the top level down, which is where I will approach the subject, at the top level.

That's all the senior ladies and gentlemen desire really isn't it?  For someone to engage with them in a conversation, just as they would have enjoyed in their own personal home, previously.

I feel sure that you made a difference there, Cats Paw, to many peoples precious hearts and lives.

Love, Leah

PS >  Bet you were so glad when he gave up his 'bed pan slinging' antics!!

[cats paw]

Leah,

  How did I get on in my role?  With great difficulty!  The nurses knew I wasn't a nurse yet, and the aides knew I was going to be an RN.  There were some very kind women in each camp, and I asked them for help to learn the mechanics. The rest- I tried to use
my heart, but also tried to speed up a bit so I could do my required work.

  It is so difficult when there are basic needs to be met and not enough staff to do it.  I could go on and on about the ills of health care in many aspects.  I think the problem is a greater one than even the individual facilities' administration, but one has to keep fighting the good fight.  People like you, working as Befrienders, can make a difference in both the resident's and staff's life.

  As always, good orientation is key, with responsible management and leadership.  Resources are poorly allotted in this world.

  Ah, Leah - sometimes we can only throw that one little starfish back into the water, and some days we are the little starfish.

Goodness sakes alive!  That was probably a useless ramble, but I'll hit post now.

cats paw

[Leah]

Dear Cats Paw,

You weren't rambling at all.  And I only go in as a befriender once a week, that's all.  But there are many that do visit as a befriender, which is so good really, as different faces every day, or every other day, is much more interesting for the Ladies and Gentlemen.

If has helped me immensely in the process of learning to engage with an inner boundary so that I don't feel attachment. 

In "standing back" and being "away from" my own feelings and emotions as well in engaging.

And of course, there comes a time when they are no longer there.

Love, Leah