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cdnwoman:
Hello everyone;

I am 33 years old, live in Canada, single with no children.  Since the break-up of my relationship last year, I have been in the many stages of recovery.  Although the relationship was short, it was intense.  I realized that the man I fell in love with is commitmentphobic.  His deceitful actions have been very painful for me.

Just yesterday, an internet friend pointed out that I have "repetition compulsion" when it comes to relationships.  That really made me stop and look at myself.  I found that she is right.  Since childhood, I was never given the opportunity to speak up for myself.  I always felt that my parents didn't want to hear or care about my feelings.  If I was angry or upset and did try to say something, they would get mad or dismiss me.  As a small child, it hurt alot.  I soon learned to keep my opinions and feelings to myself.  Now all that repression is coming up.  

Looking further, I see that I have been getting involved with men who also didn't allow me to voice what I wanted or needed.  They never got it, or me for that matter.  I was quickly ignored, or brushed aside for the next person.  It is painful, frustrating and maddening.

Can anyone suggest how to release these feelings?  I know it will hurt my parents deeply if I threw all this garbage at them.  We were taught to never disrespect our parents, and now the thought of it brings a lot of guilt.  Thanks for reading my post.

Anonymous:
Go get the book, "Men Who Can't Love," by Julia Carter and Stephen Sokol (sp?).  It is totally about men with commitmentphobia, and will help you enormously.  
They both have written other good books, too.
I, too, got involved with a commitmentphobic at one time.  Never again!  They play lots of games you haven't even thought of, I'll bet; leave you feeling emotionally drained, confused and make you crazy.  Big waste of time.
Get this book in paperback.  It's THE Bible on this subject.
Good luck...and you will recover from this, too.

Anastasia

Anonymous:
Hi Anastasia;

Thanks for replying.  Yes, I do have the book and found it very insightful.  For awhile I thought it was me...but after reading about commitmentphobics, I have a better understanding of why they do the things they do.

So now I am dealing with the garbage of why I constantly allow myself to be in relationships where I can't fully express myself, or be heard and understood.  All previous relationships have been with men who were emotionally distant, commitmentphobic, and at times...verbally abusive.  I guess it is a reflection of my childhood.  My parents were my lifeline, and I can remember many instances where I felt dismissed, unimportant, or uncared for.  I am hoping to hear some insight from other people who were able to safely unload all that garbage, and move on to a better life.

Anastasia:
Girl, you go back to reading all Dr. Grossman's articles about the fallout of having a Narcissistic guardian/parent.  You and I are classics of their kids then.
I am pretty happy always, quit grounded and adventurous.  I credit this to genetics kicking in and realizing from an early age (I remember 4 as my earliest memory that the nuttiness my Nmother was saying was crap!), but--lordly, lordly--I still have a great fear of true intimacy with a male partner (not friends--I'm cool there), problems in overeating at various times in my life (from a size 8 to 16 I would say is a big-ass problem), and fight workaholism sometimes (why do I love to hide in my work so much, but I do love working).
I have accepted that it is a lifelong battle for me...but I ain't givin' up.  And I'm 59 and still working on it....and who the hell is that friggin' healthy anyway?  All you can do is laugh about the craziness you have been subjected to sometimes.
Read the book I suggested again and again.  Put it away for awhile, and all the information will kick in better in your subconscious.  
These guys that are commitmentphobic are truly anxiety ridden and the world's biggest gameplayers.  One time was enough for me.  If I date anyone for 3-6 months now and realize the guy has commitment problems or anything I don't want to deal with (drugs and alcohol gets them out the door even faster)--they are gone!
My philosophy is:  I would rather be mediocre happy and single than miserable like I have been in some relationships.  
It's just my choice, and working so far. :D

cdnwoman:
We sound similar in terms of relationship-experience.  I have been told many times that I am "the package".  Bright, young, attractive, happy-go-lucky, good career, good family, blah blah blah.  LOL.  I find it pretty ironic seeing that I tend to end up with mediocre men.  There are times when I think...why bother??

It's amazing how little instances can build up to something crippling.  All the times I haven't been able to voice myself and be heard while growing up, well....it is just amazing how it has played a big part in my emotional life now.  Makes me want to shout at the world.

As for my commitmentphobic ex, since our break-up, it is business as usual for him.  He continues to play with women.  It hurts knowing that he doesn't get it.  He will never understand how much I cared for him and how deeply he has hurt me by his games.  But it is something I will need to accept.  He will never be strong enough to face himself.

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