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Anonymous:

--- Quote from: cdnwoman ---I think the hardest letter to write is to my mother.  My counsellor said that it is possible I am carrying her feelings of pain, sadness, anger.  Being a young mother with an eighth child, plus being in an abusive relationship, she must have been under alot of emotional stress.  Is it possible that she transferred her feelings onto me while pregnant?  She was abandoned by her own mother while a baby and to this day, they don't have a mother-daughter relationship.  Does that sound right?
--- End quote ---


You've sure got a smart counselor. I think it's quite likely that your mother projected very painful templates onto you, even while pregnant. It was unconscious on her part. However, unconsciously-driven actions can be the most destructive of all. Parents shouldn't perpetuate their childhood dramas with their own children. It's a no-no.



--- Quote from: cdnwoman ---It is still hard to be angry towards my parents.  I feel guilty and find ways to rationalize their behaviour.  It's going to take some time.  Or a lot of letters....lol.
--- End quote ---


Yeah, you may not get angry with them for a long time. Eventually you'll probably be pretty pissed off. And it won't kill them. People don't die even if someone is enraged with them.

bunny

cdnwoman:
I had another visit with my counsellor this past week.  It went pretty well.  We talked about my ex and how I am still carrying alot of anger towards him.  I still find it easier to be angry and put all the blame on him then my parents.

We talked about my father and how I should attempt to open the door of communication.  So it was decided that I buy him a greeting card with a short note saying what I love about him, how I miss being his little girl, how I hope he is proud of me as much as I am proud of him, and that I hope it is not too late to get to know each other.  I cried writing that short note.  To be honest, I am scared to death for baring myself to him.  I am afraid of being rejected, not being taken seriously.  I am mailing it in the morning, so he should get by this Wednesday or Thursday.  

I will be going to my parent's this coming weekend for a get together, I will be nervous seeing my father.  I love my father very much and want nothing but to have a close relationship with him.  It is what has been missing in my life.

Anonymous:
cdnwoman,

Wow, that is very brave of you. I'm glad you have this counselor to process things with after you see your parents. I hope so much that your father responds as he ought to.

bunny

cdnwoman:
Thanks Bunny, yes I hope he responds positively too.  And I am scared to death.  My father isn't emotionally expressive, except when it comes to anger.  So all I can do is wait and see how he is when I see him.  I was thinking of walking up to him and my mom when I go home, and give them each a big hug.

Anonymous:
I think the hug would have to melt him a little bit!  :)

A lot of people only express anger because any tender emotion makes them feel like a hermit crab who's lost its shell. If your father DOES express a loving feeling, he may get frightened and pick a fight or find a reason to get angry again (where he feels safe). Don't take it personally if he does this. These things take time and baby steps.

More kudos to you on your bravery.

bunny

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