This is posted under my name Sallying Forth if you do a search for it. However, I thought I would reintroduce myself to everyone by way of posting this again. My additional comments are in purple.
ITexperiment: Why the name, intro
on: July 10, 2005, 02:29:07 AM
I thought I would introduce myself. This will most likely be a long read.
I found this board and Dr. Grossman's web site through doing a search for narcissistic in Google. At the suggestion of my therapist, I've begun to explore the reality that both my parents (and likely my oldest brother) are Narcissistic. I have yet to read any books on the subject but plan to order several of the recommended titles. Three of them, just their titles, really hit home with me. Longing For Dad, Father Loss & Its Impact, Trapped in the Mirror and Children of the Self-Absorbed. [I have since read all three books.]
The voicelessness.com web site has been the biggest eye-opener for me. Just the word, voicelessness, triggers deep pain within me. Almost every article made me cry and touched the depth of my soul where unspeakable pain has remained hidden for so many years. I was especially touched by the article titled, “Dreams, Imagined Dreams - Failed Therapy.” Seventeen years ago, early in my healing, I had a horrible experience of failed therapy. The effects of it still go on today. That failed therapy set me back more than 4 years. It also nearly destroyed my marriage.
All three people-brother, mother and father-were my emotional and mental torturers. I was their scapegoat [And emotional outlet because they couldn't be emotional.]. This began at an early age, with my Nmother & Nfather, around 18 months old, and with my Nbrother by age 9. My Nparents torture included sexual abuse through defining me as something I was not.
I am still uncovering the true story of why the emotional and mental torture began. The catalyst is multi-faceted. The first catalyst: I have suspected from an early age that my father is not my biological father. Whenever I asked my Nmother about this, saying "how come I don't look like anyone in my family?", I was told I look like her. The unsaid part was "shut up and don’t cause problems." However, I didn't shut up. I continued to ask the question every couple of years. The response was always the same and my Nmother got more and more angry with my insistence. I did finally stop when I reached my adulthood, yet I never stopped wondering about the truth.
There are many genetic markers which my father does NOT have and I do and vice versa. One web site says that I must be adopted if he doesn’t have them. Or the other option is, he’s not my father. All three of my brothers have characteristics of both my parents but I do not. I have characteristics like my mother and ??? I noticed this from about 9 years old. Also there is a condition which is hereditary and all my brothers and father have it. I don’t. I was tested for the marker in 2000. My doctor, a Rheumatologist, was shocked when the test results came back. He even had the test repeated because my entire family [except mother] has this condition and tested positive for it. The only reason I got the test is because I had similar symptoms to my brothers and father and assumed I must have the same condition. I was equally shocked with the test results. I do believe that doctor didn’t know how to handle the situation. He did say it was odd that I didn’t test positive even though the condition is more prevalent in males than females. He commented on the fact that my all brothers and father have it and tested positive. And that it is unusual that I didn’t. He said it would be very rare. And my father has the full blown condition, unlike my brothers who have an aspect [at least at this point in time]. More symptoms show up later in life as they did for my father. And those symptoms have since shown up in all my brothers.]
The second catalyst explains my user name: ITexperiment. I was literally used in an experiment to create a gay boy from a girl. Or as I say, an IT. I am writing a book series about my life where this is explained in detail. It is a long, long story - 4 books long. I call the experiment the ITexperiment because that is what I became to the men who used and abused me and to my Nmother, Nfather and Nbrother. My main perpetrator was my biological father. My book series are about that sadomasochistic relationship with him and how he has remained entrapped within me. And the final book is about how I healed from the ITexperiment and became myself.
To survive what happened to me I created an elaborate inner world of people and places. In this elaborate inner world is also the truth about what happened to me. My books are based on and about this elaborate inner world. And I believe that when I finish the book series I will have dismantled this inner world. I will no longer need it to survive because I will be living! This started happening before I finished my last book.
My inner world was the only safe place I had to live as a child. It was my sanity. My therapist told me that without it I would have died.
Two other catalysts were of course my Nparents. Both came from Nfamilies. My mother’s was destructive too. She had the opportunity to go to therapy, went to the first appointment, was asked about her childhood, promptly got up from her chair and walked out of the psychiatrist’s office. She thought she was being so brave and courageous!
All my brothers and I were lied to about my mother’s family background. We were lied to about who our cousins, uncles, aunts, and grandparents were to cover the truth of what really happened. My mother altered the lies when it served her purpose.
When I began my healing process, I sent away for the truth – newspaper articles about what really happened in my mother’s family. No one in my family knows I have this information. The reason is I’ve been labeled as the “nut case” in our family. I contend that our family was dysfunctional and my brothers say it was more functional than all the other families we knew as children.
I’ve always felt crazy, confused and ostracized in my family. No one else was treated like me so they wouldn’t think our family was dysfunctional.
When I began my healing journey, I stopped seeing my family from 1988 to 1998. My Nmother didn’t want me in therapy because I might “talk.” I tried to see my great aunt [who was always referred to as my aunt] when I first got into therapy. My Nmother put a stop to that by telling me she would be there too. In other words, “shut up.” I reconnected with my family again towards the end of 1998. By that time. I thought I would not get drawn into my Nmother’s behavior and control. but I was wrong. Any time I've brought something up to ask her about she comes back with “Have you ever been tested for Bi-Polar?” or “Maybe you should see a psychiatrist. Your therapist must not know what he’s doing.” I understand full well the inference-“you’re crazy. Shut up and we’ll have you shut up.” Or if she doesn’t want to talk about something she’ll change the subject to avoid answering me and act like I never asked her anything.
Recently after reading a couple of books on controlling parents I’ve decided that my Nparents and Nbrother are never going to tell the truth. It’s a hopeless cause.
My focus is number one: writing my book series and getting it published. This is a great deal of my healing and therapy because I very blatantly “tell it like it was and is.” The names of the perpetrators and the incidents have been changed to protect the guilty and the innocent. I have since decided that I only need to publish the last book I am writing. I have told the story through flashbacks so I don't need the other three books.
Number two focus: reading and healing and reading and healing, etc. and then embracing the new me.
Well this is the short version of my story. Glad I found the web site and this forum. Thank you for reading.
