why would Ns have 8 kids?

[mighty mouse]

I have always wondered why my parents decided to have 8 kids. There is no religious pretext for them to have that many kids. It just baffles me...they married at very tender ages (as people of that generation were wont to do), but they didn't start having kids until 21 and 22.

The reason I query about this is that we always seemed to be bugging them or inconvenient. My Nmom used to say to us "you kids are doing that just to bug me". Like we were evil little things that planned our day around messing up hers.

However, we were always tripped out like the Von Trapp kids - all groomed, ironed and in a line when we went out (like to church). I guess that made them feel good. Also my Mom loves to brag about how good they were at doing everything....my Dad built an addition onto the house all by himself and it only took two weeks (whilst she compares Dad to my younger brother who is taking too long to build his addition - my bro actually spends time with his kids). It always feels like a competition with her and Dad (since passed but now cannonized by my mother who couldn't say a nice thing about him while he lived).

I guess most Ns don't have 8 kids, but is this somehow a way of bragging or showing off to the world in some sick way?

Mighty Mouse

[might mouse]

My Mom said something to me one day about 16 years ago that might be instructive.

My sibs and I were joking about a luncheon meat that we hated getting in our lunches when we were in school. My Mom came up and whispered in my ear "you will never have kids because you are too selfish". This occured a month after my first miscarriage and I was stunned to say the least. I actually let that go without challenging it!

From reading the threads it seems like there are some themes about NMoms needing to feel very superior (I call my own "Mother Superior").

MM

[eliza]

Gosh, I'm new to this board, but I just got done watching the remake of A Lion in Winter. Now I think that was the ultimate N family!!!!!

Some of the things those parents said to the "children" were horrible.

Sorry to hear of your Mom saying such a cruel thing to you MM.

Eliza

[Anonymous]

mm,

I have four siblings and I have wondered the same thing. Why did my parents keep having all these kids -- since they appeared annoyed and burdened by us? And I don't think we were accidents. Here's my theory: My mother preferred a tiny baby who was totally helpless, under her control, who couldn't yet talk. When the baby became more independent with its own will, she was disappointed/angry and then wanted another infant. I've seen her with infants and with toddlers and she actually feels "hurt" by the toddlers' independence.

bunny

[surf14]

Hi MM;

I have so often asked myself that question.  My parents so badly didn't want to have the last baby that they made sure to let my sister know often that she wasn' wanted and was an imposition and a burden.  After being raised in the very unhappy and miserable home I was raised in I always say I think having children should be a state sponsored priviledge, not a right, in which parents are thoroughly screened for thier abiltiy to nurture and raise kids responsibly. I know this sounds a bit extreme but there are so may people out there having children thoughtlessly and irresponsibly that its an idea.  Again,  having children should be a priviledge not a right.   Surf

[mighty mouse]

Bunny,

I guess the babies are a blank slate with potential (and they're cute), so an N can project all over them. Sounds like upchucking on them....may be same pyschological result.
 
Surf,

It's interesting you say that about your sister. My Mom said the same thing about my youngest brother (didn't want to have him), but then she added something nice on the end to make it sound better. My Mom is a very covert N.

It seems she can only relate to people who have lots of kids. She overvalues them no matter what kind of people they are. Interesting.

MM

[el123]

MM,

Just wanted to say that my N mother had 9 kids and I always felt that it was in order to 'prove' something to others (her fertility, womanhood, etc).  It was never about us.  I completely agree with bunny that it's the ability to control the totally helpless infant that attracts some N moms.  My N mother did the same thing, as soon as one would get into toddlerhood or beyond, she would get angry at them for becoming independent.  She used to say all the time how she loved it when we were little and wished we would never grow up.  -E

[mighty mouse]

EL123,

My Mom likes to tell stories about her kids but I notice all the stories are about us as very young children. Nothing over 5 years old.

My NMom's main existence seems to be about HER being a Mom...not really about us at all like you said. And it's significant to note that she and my Dad were mostly gone during our upbringing (I was pretty much raised by older sibs and did my turn with my younger sibs). So how she gets so much pride is beyond me. She wasn't even there physically and most definately not emotionally.

And now when she has family get togethers, etc., she always make pains to tell everyone exactly how many people were there. I guess that validates her somehow. I've given up going to these soirees and have very little contact now. But if she were to send me an email today, she wouldn't even asked me how I am or anything about me. She would tell me about the last family gathering and how many people were there. This seems to be a running theme with lots of these types....counting cards, letter, people. But then I guess they don't exist without that outward validation.

Sick, man!

MM

[el123]

MM,

I know what you mean!  It's always all about her, huh?  Same with my mom.  My Nmother makes up our history to suit her needs/ideas about how things were or should have been.  Outrageous tales that have maybe a hair of truth to them.  It makes me crazy!
-E

[Patsy]

My parents had six children all under the age of ten. My mother fits both the narcistic qualities and was also suffering from undiagnosed munchhousens by proxy where you hurt others, dependants, for attention for yourself, we were constantly "injured" for attention form dentists and doctors.)
While struggling to understand why I had no concept of a mother (because I was not mothered at all) I asked her why she had children. She replyed that "What else was she to do" and "babies are so cute".
Her attitude was always and still is that we were born to be her slaves and do everything she said. (I am now 46). In 1999 my reply to this demand once again, was to state that I was my own person and had my own desires and future to fulfill and if she was unable or unwilling to accept this that it was best that we never saw each other again. That her abuse (verbal, physical) of myself and my children had to stop. She packed her bags and left and I haven't seen her since. I might add..this came after years of me trying to find a way to connect on a healthy basis with her, and finally realising the choice was hers and if I asked for it and she refused then I had done the best I was able.

This is a difficult and painful road to walk down.