This board tends to be a place where we come and share the strange, cruel, abusive behaviors of the narcissists and dysfunctional folk in our lives, and I, too, have done this. Now, I want to share some of the things that my relationships with the self-centered, mixed up people, have actually helped me with in my life.
First, i want to clarify that I was not sexually nor physically overtly abused by any of these people, so please don't take an incest situation and say "there was NOTHING GOOD that came out of MY abuse," while compariing it to my rather benign, psychological/spiritual abuse situations. If I'd been sexually or physically battered, I'm sure it might be way hard for me to find anything good to post as having come from those things. I'm talking about my relationships with people who were messed up in the interpersonal dept only, not physical tormentors, torturers, or sex fiend situations.
ok, that having been said, I will start with person #1, a wife of a former minister:
situation: In this case, I was addicted to her. The fault was mostly on my end, although I was kicked out of the church because of rumors, in the end, even after I was free of the addiction and compulsive behaviors toward her.
what I learned: people are human. Even ministers can make mistakes and wrong decisions. I can forgive people even when they really have not deserved it, and I can move forward in my life without harboring deep grudges. (i have since reconciled with the pastor, but his wife still feels uneasy around me)
situation: Lady #1 online.
In this situation, I was trying to heal from being kicked out of the church, and this lady and I became friends/ministry partners online. She had some tough neuro issues to deal with and we sort of became enmeshed with each other. I believe she was bpd, because those sorts of things ran in her family, where severe abuse was kept a secret due to the family's high status in society through the years.
what I learned: when I began to get too dependent on her, she would tell me, "go to GOD!" Because she was one who would want me close then push me away, I learned what it was like, to REALLY only be able to lean to God, and not man. It made me a stronger person and definitely kept me "running" to God in things.
situation: Lady #3 online.
Another situation with a ministry partner, but this time, she was a mentor. I won't go into much detail on this, because I'm believing that wherever she is, she is healing from her own issues, but I will say that this was another family that kept secrets, because of the public image and status. In fact, I was told to also not tell anyone what I saw while I was visiting her and her family.
what I learned: this person was a classy dresser, an awesome cook, and someone who knew how to have fun. I learned how to match clothes and value my appearance, how to make some really good meals, and that it was ok to just let my hair down. In fact, to this day, if this person was here with us, she'd tell you that the only reason she was on this earth, was to see that people had a close relationship with God and knew their value to Him. In a distorted way, when I'd make what she thought was "progress" it seemed to temporarily please her...but nothing lasted long with her contentment level...there was always something more that hadn't been attained. It was an exhausting relationship, but I held and hold onto the things that helped me out aesthetically.
I guess, along wth the emotionally painful stuff, I just wanted to portray these people as having contributed some good into my life during the times they were in it. I still can say that, although they turned out to be very messed up in some ways, I did actually pick up some good stuff in the process.
~finding the silver lining in the clouds this season,
~Laura
