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How old we are perceived

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Ellie:
(((Yuki)))
(((Flower)))

Cyber hugs to both, and all who read this!

Trying to convince oneself that we are mature adults, no matter how much we are downtrodden is SO HARD! But I know there is hope at least at stopping this behavior in our own children. At my last visit with my therapist, she mentioned that it was amazing how I was able to raise my own children with possitive attitudes and a normal atmosphere. She treated my daughter for 2 years for ADHD and has visited with my other 2 during those visits. So she knows how they feel about themselves and our family at least at this point in their lives.

My response was "That's the easy part. I never really thought about HOW to treat them. I've always treated them the way I wanted to be treated when I was young."

When voices in my head tell me to treat them the way I was raised, my heart tells me to do it differently, and my heart wins. It becomes a battle within myself many times, and that is what drove me to therapy. But I refuse to have my children look at me with the sad eyes I know I grew up with. I want to see joy, love and acceptance of themselves, freedom to think and dream of whatever they want to become. And I spend time asking them if things are going ok, are they getting enough space to think independently, are they feeling respected. They know we have limits and they get grounded when they break the limits. But they realize why and we talk it over, even when they think they are too angry to talk. And I've learned that when they think they can convey the most anger in the world back at us, a tickle under the chin will always bring back the smile. When they think we've really ruined their life for whatever infraction has occurred, a trip to Dairy Queen can part deep, deep rivers of anger!

I have told my parents for over 5 years now that they would not like my children because they are exactly like the me I wanted to be. My parents have not seen my children except their school pictures in over 5 years. They refuse to visit us and we refuse to go to them just to be harrassed again.

I think the funniest thing is when my children tell me I'm old - weren't all of our mothers old? I have to giggle when they say that because I know my parents think I'm a little kid.   :lol:

Emily:
"because they are like the me I wanted to be"

thanks Ellie, for putting your thoughts down that way...when I read them, it felt like a huge cloud had lifted.
my parents have been distant and critical of my kids for more than 20 years.  I guess I'm finally realizing that grandchildren are nothing special to them and I'm trying to accept that.  It was the same for me, why would g-kids be somehow different?  I'm so glad I haven't seen these "people" in a couple of years,...life is so much smoother.

mighty mouse:
Hi All,

This is a good question about being seen as young. My NMom treats all of us like we don't have the brains we were born with.

Just until a couple of years ago, she would say stuff like "Did you tell them Thank You"? Or act like we couldn't survive without her.

I started joking that I was "running with scissors" and other such nonesense when I would interact with her to give her an inkling that we are NOT little kids anymore. Sheesh. She's an intelligent woman but I'm not sure she got the gist.

Now I think I'll go play with a plastic bag. I hope to hell I don't inadvertantly put it over my head and cease breathing LOL.

MM

flower:
Hi everyone,
My hard drive died and I'm at the library using the web acess. I want to say goodbye. Thought I'd let you know I'm okay and don't know when I am coming back.
Love to you all,
flower

October:
Hiya flower ((((((Hugs)))))) hope you get back soon.

This topic is a very interesting one.  I think you can tell what age you are supposed to be from the photos of you that your parents have around - if any.  Ns love photographs which prove what a happy family they have, and they display them around, but at the point when you start to grow up, or not play the game, the photos stop growing up too.

My parents now compensate for this by having grandchildren pictures around, because they show small people, who are compliant and not judgemental.  It is a long time since my picture was on the wall!!  I made them do it once after I made my ex leave, because I had a picture taken of just me and my little girl, and I framed it and gave it to them so they had no choice.  But it didn't stay on the wall for long.  It was my way of saying, this is my family and we are ok, but I think it was not what they wanted to see.

As for age, yes my mum still whispers in corners with my aunts and goes silent when I enter the room, and they still avoid telling me any 'grown up' stories, but if you ever do find out what they are saying, it is just as well.  It is all about who is dying, who is ill, who is behaving scandalously.  Petty, small minded gossip from people who know no better.  So I don't mind being left out of that.  The day I start to enjoy it I will know that I am finally turning into my mum.   :lol:

C

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