reactions: what if I told you your behavior bugs me?

[seasons]

Perfectly put Lipita,

• Narcissists are wholly different. They unconsciously deny an unstated and intolerably poor self-image through inflation. They turn themselves into glittering figures of immense grandeur surrounded by psychologically impenetrable walls. The goal of this self-deception is to be impervious to greatly feared external criticism and to their own roiling sea of doubts
  
  This means that when you tell an N that a behavior is bothering you, the N will repeat the behavior more often. As opposed to a "normal" person who will try not to step on your toe at your petition.

  Never ever tell an N what is bothering you! We will be made to regret that for ever!!!!!!  seasons

[Bella_French]

BellaFrench: If some i knew tried that (and they have, actually), I just would avoid them because the behaviour is manipulative.

I find this response concerning.  It is a proven fact that people who threaten it, are not just doing it for attention.  I'd have to be really sure that the person was just using the threat of it to control/manipulate, before I just avoided them.  I've also come across people who threatened suicide, and my response was generally to refer them for help at a treatment center.

One person who was borderline and regularly threatened suicide, was so convincing of other things, that I was afraid if I tried to get her help, she'd kill herself just because she feared having to go for the help.

I'm very glad to say that this woman eventually got her life back on track, by using her recovery tools,  and, last I heard, she is doing much better.

~Laura

That was nice of you Laura; it must have been very scarey for you worrying about her.

I've only experienced the manipulative kind of suicide threats first hand, and its really icky to experience. My mother and her mother have both done it at various times, when they were `exposed' in some abusive plot, or backed into a corner by the rest of the family. It was more like a `spoiled child' kind of attempt to make people give them what they wanted, even it was abusive and harmful to others. My mother's mother used to do it to her young girls regularly, to make them fuss over her and to frighten them. She even once pretended to be dead! My mother didn't do this to us when we younger, but as she's aged, every now and again she'll resort to that behaviour. I guess she knows, first hand, the fear and concern it will arouse in others.

I've also experienced it once when I was a  carer for cerebral palsy victims. One lady in particular was rejected romatically by someone, and kept telling me she was going to crush her skull in the tiolet by bashing it. She never did it, but it scared me terribly and made me feel ill with worry each day when i went to work. My thoughts are that she had grown very attached to me, and she wanted more `emotional engagement' with her than i was able to give professionally. But in order to work with these people, its also necessary to have professional boundaries, or you go mad with sadness. Anyway, she didn't like it and she wanted much more from me- more time, a deeper friendship, and to be someone there for her 24/7. And because I wasn't giving her that, she went to extreme measures to make me feel more for her. I left the job, because I couldn't get her to respect my boundaries.

X bella

[reallyME]

I know what you mean about neurologically ill people using suicide attempts to manipulate.

A long time ago I knew a lady who was in between trying to find the right medication, and suicide attempts were an every other day sort of thing.  To this day, I still love this lady dearly, but she really needed to be on the right medicines before her brain would work in a balanced way.

ANd before I just leave this at pointing the finger at this lady, years ago, when I first came to the internet, I often talked to people about thinking of ending my life, not wanting to live, etc.  i was one MESSED UP chick before I got on the right meds till my thinking was corrected, as well.

This is why my life feels so precious to me...too precious to remain in any ongoing conflict that won't result in mutual good for the people involved.  My thought is, "if you want to waste your time and life energy butting your head on the wall to prove what?...then more power to ya.  I will state where I stand and watch to see if we agree.  If not, soon after, you will watch me disengage from the situation.  It's never my heart to hurt you nor to be hurt.  Life is so short and so AWESOME without the drama.

~Laura

[Bella_French]

Laura, I honestly think most people know intuitively the difference between when someone is reaching out for help, and when they are trying to manipulate the feelings of others who care for them.

I'm sorry you felt so down that time. I've felt that depressed before, so i can relate. I am very private about such things, but i think its important to reach out for help when depression is robbing you of the will to live. Its very sad, i agree with you.

X bella