trying to remain consistant

[janisty07]

I addressed a Christmas card today for my dear sweet 12 year old niece.  Since my nsister keeps her from me I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I have to love her from a distance.  But it is soooo hard.   It read so beautifully, it reminded me of the way I feel about her.  I know when it arrives my nsister will fly into a rage. I just want her to know that I never did and never will stop loving her. 
I will also buy her some Christmas presents, I don't know when or how I will get then to her.  I don't ever want her to think that I have abandoned her, because of her mom.  I hope I am doing the right thing. 

Jan

[Ami]

Dear Jan,
 Just knowing my Aunt was one of the things that saved my life. I wish that you could find a way to interact with your niece. I know that that is YOUR greatest wish.I am so sorry The LAST thing in the world  that the N mother considers is the TRUE  welfare of the child. I am really, really sorry, Jan.    Ami

((((((((((((((Jan))))))))))))))))

[cats paw]

Hello Jan,

  What are the thoughts you have that lead you to wondering if you are doing the right thing?  Could doing a potential pros/cons list help you find more comfort?  Sometimes it is very hard to decide what is best, especially for a child.

cats paw

[janisty07]

I just don't want to put my niece in a bad spot.  I know how vicious her mother can be, and miserable she is to even her own daughter if she were to pay any attention to me or me to her.  Am I better off for her sake to leave well enough alone and not create more chaos.  My gut tells me to try to keep on reaching out and reassuring her of my love for her.  I'm sure by now my niece prob tunes her mom out anyway the best that she can..  and I'm sure it would have to feel good to her to know that I DO love her and am always going to be here for her.

[cats paw]

Jan,

  I went and skimmed your previous posts.  Does your mother still take her to school? Do you still see her at the bus stop?

  I think the guiding principle, as you seem to have foremost in mind, is what is best for her sake.   I assume she is not in any
  immediate danger, the kind in which Protective Services would need to be called?

  What is so unfair is the chaos and emotional maelstrom a child has to endure when there are famliy difficulties. 

  What are your niece's real needs, and your son's, and what are your needs, wants, and responsibilities?  edit in: How are you able to
  differentiate these?

  Gosh, Jan, I'm sorry I don't have any direct advice for you.   Have you had any advice in 3D outside the family that has helped?

cats paw

[janisty07]

My n sister drops off my niece at Gram's house very early in the am.  My 74 year old father would have been expected to  take my niece to school, but I just started to take her with my son every morning because I wanted to save my dad the trip and (for my own selfish reasons.. I get to see her)  my son gets to see her for a few minutes on the ride there.  I can't believe my nsister has been allowing it..  But I guess she is only allowing me to do this because she can't
do it herself.  Those few minutes in the am mean the world to me and to my son..
As far as my son's needs go, I know he wants to be able to spend time with his cousin..  He misses her so much.
He can't understand why she isn't allowed to come to his house and play like she use to.  I try to explain it to him in words he'll understand, but it's hard because I don't really get it either. 
I can tell he gets frustrated with her when he invites her to his house to play and she makes up excuses as to why she can't.  I know it's because her nmother will not allow her to come here.   
My mother watches both kids if there isn't any school.  They are so excited for those days to be able to play together.
I did tell my nsister in a letter i wrote 2 years ago, that if my niece ever wants the truth about what has happened to our family and why things are the way they are, that I would be happy to explain it to her.  Ever since, she (of course) is keeping her as far away from me as she can.

For now, I guess I can just keep on sending her cards telling her how special she is to me, and how much I love her.

Hopefully someday things will change. 

[cats paw]

Jan,

  I'm so glad for you, your son, your parents and your niece that there is still contact.  How sad for the kids that they are caught in the middle of craziness they probably can't understand.  Nor should they have to try to.

  I think the best thing for them is that they can take some cues from you.  Not an emotional facade, but that in the midst of these storms, they know everything will be ok for them, that the adults have the children's world under control.

  There was a guy on Oprah, and for the life of me I cannot remember his name right now, but he deals with children and parents in divorce situations, and I am sure the basic principles would be good guidelines.  Let me search around a bit and I'll see if I can find his name.   I'll get back to you in a while on that.

cats paw

[cats paw]

Jan,

  M. Gary Neuman was the guy on Oprah.  He was great with the kids in pain on the show.  If you like to read, you might check out the book reviews on Amazon or Barnes and Noble on the net.  Again, I was just impressed with his empathy for kids.

cats paw

 

[cats paw]

Jan,

   I was just wondering how you and the children are. Did your son and niece get to spend time together during the holidays?

   I just wanted to say hello, and that I was wondering how your holidays went.

cats paw

[janisty07]

I didn't see my n sister at all, except at church on Christmas eve. She wouldn't even look at me nor me at her.  She didn't even acknowledge my son either..  The kids got to spend time together on the day after Christmas and that Friday because I had work, so did my n sister, so my mom got to watch both kids.  They don't get along as well as they use to.  You can tell that all of this is taking it's toll on their relationship.  It's sad.  I know he misses her so much. He called her over the weekend to see if she was going to be coming to Grammy's house again soon so that they could play, she said no.  He cried.  I don't know what to do anymore.
I've done anything and everything over the years for my niece, to always make sure that she knew how much she meant to me..
Now, she is afraid to even look at me in front of her mother.  It breaks my heart.  I found a little card over the holidays that she wrote to me that said, Thank you for always making me feel special.  God, what I wouldn't give for those days again. 

Jan