For some reason, I have been pondering about narcissism and the why's and wherefores of it. Here is what i came up with:
I believe that Narcissism is all about Illusion. A narcissist couldn't bear to live in the reality of life, so they created a pseudo-self that now lives FOR and THRU them, and the old "self" has been stuffed wayyyyyyyyy down and locked away, but tries to peek out every now and then, only to be re-locked in a place deeeeeep inside the human being.
Below, I will talk about the traits of narcissism in relation to this:
1. An exaggerated sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
This illusory person actually believes he/she is something great and famous and successful, but has very little to proove this to others, except sometimes some relationships with others who are what N wants to be. It's like smoke and mirrors...it all LOOKS real good on the outside...he/she appears to be popular, amazing, talented, successful, but get close enough, you will be amazed to see this puny, shuddering, angry little person who is often very afraid of society and you.
2. Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
This person seriously fantasizes to a point of belief, that everyone adores him/her, that he/she is the most beautiful being on the planet, and that he/she is living on the RITZ, even though maybe someone else in his/her life is the one who is succeeding and he/she is merely married to them or in a family with them, and is reaping benefits of THEIR success. The person in illusion also believes that they possess a love like no other, when deep inside, they don't even know what real love is.
3. Believes he is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
The person in illusion believes that only the "higher ups" can truly understand them. They believe they are cut from a superior cloth than others, and that only a select few of the elite should be allowed to be graced with their awesome presence (as I used to watch my youngest daughter play "queen" I could see this narcissistic behavior being played out, that I've seen in narcissistic adult women before. Sometimes the narcissism exhibits itself in leaders who believe they run everything from schools, churches, countries, even the White House!
4. Requires excessive admiration
Once again, this person living in illusion, feels a need for everyone to adore him/her. They are like the king who wants you to kiss his ring or bow low before them. The problem is that this person is NOT a king or queen but BELIEVES, FANTASIZES that they are, and is often manipulative enough to get YOU to believe it too.
5. Has a sense of entitlement
This person feels that the world OWES them. Their attitude goes something like this: "well, why WOULDN"T you want to serve me? After all I've DONE for you" (this, coming after they've done NOTHING GOOD for you at all, but they FANTASIZE that all their abuse was done for YOUR OWN GOOD). THey believe they have or should have special priviledges other than the norm. This can be seen in "teacher's pets" or in "promotions that are done based on financial support only" and it can be seen in families (golden child), churches (self-promotion or power posturing situations).
6. Selfishly takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends
This is where the person in fantasy will USE you to accomplish what they want, while CONVINCING you that you WANT TO DO what they told you to do. You might find yourself talking to people whom you, on your own, would NEVER venture to even make acquaintance with, all because x told you that this was your DUTY or that you OWE this to them. YOu will find your own identity slipping away, as you become the "role" of what N sees you as in their fantasy world.
7. Lacks empathy
Since a true narcissist can not feel the pain and frustration and rejection that they cause you, there is little chance of them doing anything about it. They have no clue why you'd be so upset about that snide comment they just made. Even if you do point out "hey, that was rude" you are likely to be met with a blank expression from N or at least a "so?" or "what are you talking about? I don't understand why you are so upset." Often, you will have told them WHY you are upset, only to have them say "I just don't know what you mean. Please explain" This can go in circles ad nauseum, with you asking yourself "didn't I just TELL them why I'm upset?" They won't "get" it. Keep in mind that that part of their wiring, to understand and "feel" the feelings of others, was CUT years ago. They learned how to BE without FEELING or KNOWING how their behavior made others feel and why they reacted as they do.
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him
A LOT of N's life is spent longing to have what others have or be what they are, all the while PRETENDING that they already do. Sometimes this behavior almost appears to be schizophrenic or multiple personality. It's like he/she becomes a totally different person at times. In private, alone with you, N may be akin to ATTILA THE HUN or HITLER, but in public, he/she is all glitz and glamour, somewhat aloof at times, but NEVER showing the side YOU SEE to the rest of the public. Else, how could N carry on in life, knowing that people have something against him/her...remember, that part that COULD care about what people think, is no longer allowed "out" from it's inner dungeon. If that part did begin to sense that this being was not loved, adored, catered to, admired, the entire system would have a melt down that could destroy it...known as a narcissistic injury. Nooooooooo, Narcissistic persons must avoid having their "inner self" EVER being noticed, pointed out or seen. That is way too painful to have to look at what they have locked up all these years! Better to just look good on the outside and not let anyone know the skeletons that lurk within.
9. Shows arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or contemptuous behaviors or attitudes
Once again, this comes from the outer self, the mask, the illusion. He/She appears to be "all that' but if you ever got close enough to really listen and see, this narcissist will give you hints of what is buried deep within. Because of his/her need to false self-protect, you will feel a wall go up between you two, if you dare to venture too close to what is TRUTH about this person. They feel they need NO HELP even if you DO see things that you tell them are concerning to you. They will say "I've been to counselors. They said nothing was wrong with me...just depression, just anorexia, just whatever," yet you find yourself questioning the validity of what they are telling you as well as what you see in front of you or feel inside yourself...with good reason.
See? Narcissism is just like "pretending that becomes so intertwined with the person, that it turns into their reality."
