Author Topic: Who (if anyone) STILL has 'Power Over' you?  (Read 2052 times)

Izzy_*now*

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Who (if anyone) STILL has 'Power Over' you?
« on: January 18, 2009, 09:26:44 PM »
I have but one person, my daughter! I HATE that!

If she doesn't respond in a timely fashion about certain things, I know there is something bugging her and it is me!

I told her about 'outing' Ken and she made a quick response to 'talk later', but didn't because I said I did not need to be chastised about him, as I began to work for him when she was 3 years old. (My previous job--I had inside news that the place was going under, so I found a new job. Ken was my supervisor, as I needed work to support her and me. The previous supervisor asked me to help put out that week's payroll, as the girl I trained just didn't show up. I did... 3 evenings @ 4 hours, as well as my new job. I told Ken and he berated me for it.  That was a no-no.....and who the hell was he to tell me what I could or couldn't do after my regular working hours?...Thus began some kind of really weird power struggle.

I sent her all the photo albums of us and people from her age 6-18, and there has not been one remark...not one, so I just sent a short message to see what was wrong..

Yep! She wields the Power!

Izzy
"The joy of love lasts such a short time, but the pain of love lasts one's whole life"

gjazz

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Re: Who (if anyone) STILL has 'Power Over' you?
« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2009, 11:41:43 PM »
Izzy:  I can only respond within my experience, and that is this: maybe the problem is you trying to control her response.  Meaning, "I don't need to be chastised about him..."  Which says, your daughter's experience--at whatever age--is second in importance to your own.  Are you telling her up front that to be too honest would be hurtful to you, and that she (if that's the case) should absorb that blow, pretend?  Or am I missing something?  Why do you hate that she has the power to hurt you, when that is the only true measure of love? 

Izzy_*now*

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Re: Who (if anyone) STILL has 'Power Over' you?
« Reply #2 on: January 19, 2009, 12:03:42 AM »
hi gjazz,

First, I always thought she would be smarter than I!

As mentioned above, Ken exerted 'control over' me in my first week of working for him. I didn't like that but said nothing being it was the first week on a new job. This was 1967 when she was not yet 3 and I (we) was only gone from her father 9 months and trying to make a life.....she chastises me about things she never knew, but does it 42 years later.

She knows nothing about him back then unless I tell her, and I sense she would rather I be in the wrong, than he!

In 'controlling her response?' yes, I suppose, but I've heard this all before---" he is a lonley old man and just needs someone to talk to".....

So think about this 'simple, old, skinny, controlling, pathetic, friendless guy, who insulted me, tried to date (not even date) to bring- me-home-from-the-hospital-&-rape me (with funny feet) and I try to be 'nice to him' for the sake of harmony, but that only went against my principles, and she remembers him only as a lonley old man who needed a friend.

Yes. It is only she from whom I would like some praise now and again, and by not considering that I tell her the truth about things, I feel slighted when she doesn't respond.

she has the power to hurt you, when that is the only true measure of love? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM gotta think about that, when she will not respond to me!

Thanks
Iz
"The joy of love lasts such a short time, but the pain of love lasts one's whole life"

Izzy_*now*

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Re: Who (if anyone) STILL has 'Power Over' you?
« Reply #3 on: January 19, 2009, 02:12:57 PM »
When you reach my age, there is far more history. I hired a girl to help me unpack and wash my good chinaware.
She is 19, her mother 40, her grandmother 60, her Great-grandmother 93. Her mother married a bad boy and divorced him in a year.
My granddaughter is 19, her mother is 44, her grandmother is 70 and has no great grandparents........
==========================

As much as I did as told and ‘left at home, what happened at home’, my school mates did not know about the abuse. When I left home to work, I still never told anyone, but I carried pictures of the family and would show them, to show I had a family. I never invited a friend home.

Then I was in the accident and Ken when to see my parents and became embroiled with my family. It was a sister who told me my job was waiting for me whenever I was ready to return. I felt I ought to have received a letter from the Company stating the situation and asking me what to do with my cheques…. but no, Ken took it upon himself to hand deliver and ‘get to know the false side’ of everyone.

My first week at work, 1967, and he was my supervisor, I was called by my previous employer to please come and help with the payroll, as the new girl I trained just didn’t show. I went 3 evenings @ 4 hours and did the payroll and still did the payroll for my new job. I mentioned this to Ken and he lambasted me for it. It was none of hhis business what I did after my working day for him was through and I said nothing because I was new. With D being only 3 she didn’t know about this or how totally annoyed I was with ‘my boss’.

Then came his ‘attack’ when I was released from hospital and his hanging around, and my trying to  learn things on my own. Daughter, at 6, just saw him as a friend and didn’t know any of his smarminess..

EDIT] Then he called me and said I must start work the next Monday or lose my job. i had nothing in writing!

He always bought her expensive gifts and even set up an RISP for granddaughter, for University.

I never asked her thoughts on whether this made her feel beholden to him, different ages, but it tagged onto all the ‘good and bad’ that had made me keep my mouth shut , because he never listened anyway.

When she and I were estranged, she would always go see him and then he would pass info to me, and I hated that, as he did it with superiority. I asked him to stop, when she and I had begun our email stretch., telling him that she told me all I needed to know. But when granddaughter did NOT go to University, he wondered to me if D had spent the money on something else. I said that was her business, that I didn’t know that part. I mentioned to her as she had talked about being ‘short’ and GrD is attending  a Journalism college--University is more prestigious/expensive here than a College.

I mentioned to her that he was wondering about the money, then heard from him that she had not contacted him in a while. She knows my feelings, NOW, about many things about him, so I just told recently that I had had it with him, and had ‘outed’ him to his face, over the phone, just so she would know, if there were any contact between them.

She just thinks of him as a lonely old man…. and I doubt that she can see he has a ‘control’ streak in him, that came more to light, for me, when I learned more about Nism. She might have seen the Nism in her husband, but doesn't see 'controlling in Ken....that might mean the $$$$? (EDIT--There is Will in existence, eh what?)

Izzy
« Last Edit: January 19, 2009, 02:21:25 PM by Izzy_*now* »
"The joy of love lasts such a short time, but the pain of love lasts one's whole life"

gjazz

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Re: Who (if anyone) STILL has 'Power Over' you?
« Reply #4 on: January 19, 2009, 06:11:20 PM »
It may be semantics, and I probably shouldn't have used the word "only."  There are other measures of love.  For me, though, it encompasses respect.  So the people I love have the power to hurt me, because I respect them and care about their opinion of me.  Some people have the power to insult me, but if I don't love them OR respect them, I don't really care what they think of me, so it really doesn't hit home.  Just thinking "aloud."

Take care.  I'm not around here much.  Sooo busy in 3D at the moment.

Hopalong

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Re: Who (if anyone) STILL has 'Power Over' you?
« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2009, 01:26:59 AM »
Izz...
Ken makes my teeth grate. I am so glad your anger finally gave you the power back.
Iggghh.

As to your D...I can greatly relate as my D would often take the contrary position with me. Perhaps because when I was expressing anger, grief, or too much pain for her to imagine or handle (imagine what your D imagines you have been through, or how Amber's mother denied entirely her trauma--terrible, but sometimes love also means blindness).... she had to try to stop her own pain she felt when she heard my experience "raw."

So she'd contradict me alot. About my own experiences!!!!!!!!

Maddening.

But you're not alone with it.

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Izzy_*now*

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Re: Who (if anyone) STILL has 'Power Over' you?
« Reply #6 on: January 29, 2009, 01:24:30 PM »
Welll Hops,

You have Ken pegged as he makes my teeth, and nerves, grate too. Always did, but he was my supervisor and I tried to be respectful.

Then he went overboard , but not before I was 'indebted' to him for holding my job.... then after 42 years this finally is out.

I tried to respond to him--it took 3 pages, typed. Nope! Too much and he wouldn't understand.

I tried again, 3 pages hand written and a different tact, but no!-- and I realized he did not and will not understand. We are on different pages, wave lengths and in different realities.

So I have not responded and I'm classifying him as a very Odd N.-- not like the ones we talk about, as I thought he was just inexperienced with dealing with women, but why waste my time?

My daughter has now said only that she was going to stay out of it because she always thought our relationship was 'odd', and that is so!

Thanks
Izzy
"The joy of love lasts such a short time, but the pain of love lasts one's whole life"