I just love the feel of a new year...like getting up and it's snowed and I can't wait to go gingerly make a few footprints!
Even knowing it'll all be messy slush a while later...it's still promising!
2007 was very much a healing and closure year for me, I start 2008 in a good place.
On NY eve I went to a Unity church for their burning bowl service, of symbolically burning the baggage of the last year and moving forward freely. My friend who is in remission currently from the cancer which will eventually kill him in probability came with me, he is Hindu and a dear sweet man, he was touched by the whole thing too. We were both given affirmations from a basket which related exactly to what we wrote on our papers to burn!
My ex is still a figure in my life. Some of the things he has said recently are showing me that he still feels very much ownership and control for me, and when I take a new partner I expect things to be rocky for a while again. That's okay- this peace time has given me chance to regroup and get stronger and recover from trauma.
At dinner last night he said to me 'you look so much younger all the time' I think that is the loss of the trauma. I have never been so happy or peaceful, ever.
I have told him that he is witholding and that some of his comments point out a lack of genuineness in his proclaimed friendship and love for me, but he says he cannot change, and indeed does not want to.
Funny how I never realised all the things about him before, that I can see clearly now. There is so much posturing with all he does. He's here now, has brought son a sandwich for lunch, knowing full well I was here to feed him; I don't even ask any more if he's trying to make a point, just assume the best and he was being thoughtful, whilst being aware that often there is an undercurrent of undermining going on for reasons I don't fully understand.
'Wise as serpents, harmless as doves...'
I don't respond mostly, except to step back and I pick carefully where it's important to engage or not. I'm constantly kind and whenever he reaches out I respond with as much love as I can; usually he retreats into bad behaviour at that point. I am convinced all his aggression was simply keeping me at bay when things got intimate or too real.
Funny how he likes to say often 'I'm keeping it real' by which he often means 'being unpleasant!'
My finances are still tied up with the alimony money from the divorce, so that is my goal for 2008, to be in a postion where his input is simply insignificant. It's all rubber-stamped by a judge but I know he'll just use it against me to try to influence or control me and I value my health and peace of mind more than money. And it's a place of insecurity too to have any dependence, I can see that now. I can earn my own money when I'm not constantly living ina state of panic or sickness! Inter-dependence is an equal relationship but he didn't do equality in our marriage and he isn't going to now, but it's the superficial illusion of our divorce and who knows- maybe he will change some time, maybe he'll go back to therapy or find G_d or fall in love....
I will never write off another person, ever, just because they aren't what I want them to be. But I don't need them in my space now either, I'm finally getting used to a life without toxicity, without drama. I know what it feels like to breath easy and make decisions and enjoy myself.
'Enjoy myself'. What a beautiful phrase, it's hackneyed isn't it, but I really do enjoy seeing myself unfurl. I leap out of bed every morning excited at what the day will bring, and every day has something good even if it's just the kittens or my son playing- ordinary stuff, eating an orange, reading a book and having a few passages jump out at me significantly.
I feel so alive!
*
I know some of you are still struggling through practical and emotional issues, and I know the chaos and pain can be overwhelming. Hang in there. It does get better. Even NPD unravels when the light of day is shone upon what's really happening.
I'll come back again in the summer or if something big happens. Time to re-focus my computer time and writing time.
If I have any new year resolutions focus upon what needs to get done is the big one. I am so avoidant and distractable about practical tasks, they were never possible when I was married as my ex undid or redid things, and made them a source of anxiety or conflict or control. But I need to learn good habits of managing my paperwork and work schedule now, master my own destiny as it were!
Much love to all,G_d bless in 2008 and if you only do one thing for yourself each day make it a few minutes of quite time to reflect or meditate or pray ( howsoever you believe on that ) and hold your arms out as a child of the universe summoning love and good and peace to you, trusting it will come.
~W
'it's a beautiful world. be careful. strive to be happy.' ( from
Desiderata http://inkmonkey.com/artgallery/desiderata/close-ups.html )
