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Such a graving to be known

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Patsy:
Do any of you experience the following...

It's like a deep pain..this desire to be known.
This constant NEED...to be SEEN.

To see in someones eyes that I am valued by them and cherished.
It brings tears just writing this.

How do you ever attract this to your life? :(

Patsy:
Just had an insight into this myself... :?

I was wondering why it had become a problem for me at the moment and realised that a situation I am in is triggering it.

Not being seen or heard AGAIN!!

back to the drawing board!!
 :?

Anonymous:
Hi Patsy -

Welcome to the board.  I have really enjoyed reading some of your posts already.  I'm glad you're here!   :wink:

My husband and I just spoke about this topic this morning.  Since we have been married (8 years this August) we occasionally have small disagreements about my mode of conversation.  When I am talking about something really serious or important to me, I tend to interject "right?  or hmmm?  or ok?  or get it?  or understand?, etc" into the end of my sentence so that it forces him to acknowledge what I said with a verbal response.  My husband is an awesome listener - he really studies your face as you talk and stops doing whatever he's doing.  But that has never been enough for me.  I have to have an auditory, verbal response to feel heard.  Not just a head shake or eye contact.  Not good enough for me.  

Well, like I said, this has always been a sore spot for us because it is a pet peeve of his and I have never understood why I do it.  My therapist explained to me recently why - because I was never heard as a child and still carry those feelings today.  That was so eye opening to me.  She told me to explain it to my husband and tell him what I wish he would do and how that would meet my needs that I have of being heard.  I did what she advised and he was so happy!  He finally understood why I do that quirky thing and he felt that he had a need to fill instead of just getting annoyed.

I'm not sure if this feeling of not being heard will ever go away, but it definitely gets easier when someone explains your behaviors and helps you figure out ways to make them better!

Thanks for this topic Patsy.  Very eye opening!

Michelle

jskravill as guest:
Hi Patsy,
I guess I just want to say that I can relate to your feelings. This is an issue for me.  I long to be known and loved, and I worry too much about what other people think of me. I think it is an issue of voicelessness.  I think I was invisable as a child too. Lots of issues underneath that... I don't think my parents ever really saw who I was. I also tried to be invisable as not to attract too much negative attention.  So yes, I want to be seen, to be known, to be loved... I don't know how to stop longing for that.  When I do something nice for someone I worry "what if this is just about me being noticed, thanked, respected?"  

In Michelle's response she reminded me of something that might only be loosely connected. I am currently in a long distance realationship with my husband. (I think this is a very good thing) When I talk to him on the phone, and I tell him a story, or a joke, often he doesn't laugh or respond.  I wind up saying "Hey! are you still there?"  He says "yeah."
When we are together, if he is entertaining himself with something else while I am talking I stop mid-sentence  (this is only because explaining what I needed didn't work).  Sometimes he gets it and tells me he wants to hear what I had to say.  Other times he must tune me out completely.

On one hand, I think women and men have different communication patterns. When they get together they sometimes have to negotiate one that works for both.
On another hand, who knows what he is entertaining himself with while I am talking to him on the phone... That might be an issue having to do with narcissism and voiceless.

mighty mouse:
Hi All,

For a long time I had a need to be seen and known. After realizing that  the people (my Mom and sister)I thought knew and saw me didn't and were just projecting stuff on me, it was painful.

That was about 4-5 years ago. All during that time my wonderful H stood by and listened to me. I knew he didn't understand everything but I can't expect him to. In fact I don't have any hopes anymore that anyone will really know me (as I've mentioned in other posts I have an anomoly of a personality type - INTJ). But then I've come to realize that nobody is really "known". I think it's impossible IMO.

But I do see the light and love in his eyes even though he will never fully know me (he is much more concrete than I am). I am now content with that. And I love him even more now that I can appreciate what he is and not expect him to understand everything. And I think men and women are different. They (men) like to problem solve and if you give them stuff they can't solve, it makes them feel useless. I try to come here to get stuff out because I don't think it does our marriage any good for me to go on about stuff except every once in a while.

I hope some of that makes sense. I'm in a hurry and am writing rapidly.

MM

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