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Acceptance?

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Ellie:
Singer
I hope I do not have to follow your path. I don't think I'm strong enough to go it alone. I admire your strength to have made it to where you are now. I see times when I think my H could say that. He approached me this morning asking if I was feeling better. I told him I just felt like I was living to make all of them happy and so he was going to change his golfing plans for the afternoon. So the guilt comes crashing in, I say he must go, I can handle taking the kids to their sports. I always insist he do what he wants because I just can't live with the guilt that my feelings could possibly stand in the way of another's good time. The fact is, I would be going to the kids sports events anyway, why not do it alone? But I never get away from the 24/7 parenting like he does. He says I can take that time away anytime I want, I just have to do it. But I don't have friends calling inviting me to join them for things. I had to put off friends for 14 years to take care of my kids while my H persued his interests. I can no longer nuture a friend relationship because I do not even know how. I had to stop the telephone calls because if the family needed me they admonished me for ignoring them. H goes away for a week at a time for business, I take care of the kids, meals, activities, etc. But if I want to be on the phone during dinner one evening, I don't hear the end of it. He just keeps calling me to dinner and interrupting me telling me everyone is waiting for me and I'm holding up their dinner. I feel they cannot breathe without me there, taking care of them, but I know the truth is that they can function perfectly well without me. I'm just sooooo confused!

bunny:
Ellie,

I think you would be greatly helped by learning about boundaries. I suggest you get hold of this book, *Codependent No More* by Melodie Beattie. The book is in the library and available cheap (used) from amazon.com. Don't hesitate one minute, get this book. It will give you a roadmap.

bunny

Anonymous:
Hi Ellie and everyone,

My daughters are now 24 and 22. I often think about a photo I have of one of them sitting on me and I am twisted in pain but not conveying this verbally. I also think of Flo - a very tired old chimpanzee who simply didn't have enough energy to get her son off her back (literally) and so dragged around with this huge overgrown son  on her for the rest of her life! She just dropped in her tracks. At some point, a mother needs to encourage children to manage on their own more - it's good for them. (tough I know when you are driving everyone everywhere) I now see that it isn't just for me that I should've taken care of myself ... it's just as valuable for the children to see that their mother is actually a person with needs and feelings.  And when some of those needs are met you can return to the nest with a little more balance.

I think too about the "role" of mother -I  thought it was to take care of everyone, show them they were loved and that's it. What I didn't realize was that I wasn't fostering my children's independence. I'd love to go back and let the children make dinner one night a week etc. no matter what it was.

Could you start small - just one thing. My neighbour has 3 children 2,5,7. She goes to yoga one night a week.  She says it helps her so much. It's also good for children to see their mother taking care of herself.  Good for H too. Make it something regular, so people can begin to plan around mother not being there. They might moan and complain at first - an indication really of how much they need to learn to value you for you. Let them moan a bit. It won't hurt them.

When you take care of yourself , think of it also as a wonderful learning opportunity for your children. You are demonstrating reality - not some plastic version of what a mother should be. Our N parents weren't real. As children being real wasn't encouraged. Image was all. Time to break the mould. Please take care of yourself.  This is very different from being selfish. You are restoring yourself that's all.
Les

les:
Still don't seem to get my postings right. last post from Les, or Less or Les(s)

Jaded911:
Ellie,

IMHO, you are not a lost soul, you are merely an exploring soul.

I agree with bunny, until you set boundaries for yourself and your family, the cycle will continue to repeat itself.  

You mentioned that your family will dump you for a bit when you piss them off.  This used to bother me with my family and suddenly one day I realized, who really gives a chit if they dump me forever.  When they are in my life I am a miserable human being.  My ability to think this is probably not a healthy way of thinking to some, but to them I say this, better my emotional well being then my parasite families emotional well being.  Some people just suck you dry emotionally.  My mom walks into a room and my entire demeanor changes.

Lifes challenges are supposed to help us discover who we are.  They are not supposed to paralyze us.  I had to learn to set my boundaries and when my family member repeatedly crossed those boundaries, I refused to move the lines that I had drawn.  Oh well, their loss, not mine.

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