Today I really listened

[lighter]

From the backseat this morning I heard....

"You're broken and I still love you."

It was so sweet and so tender.... the words of my 5yo speaking to a broken toy.

That prompted me to think about how most of us have been able to love people who are obviously broken.... how they use our imperfection to shame and control us. 

It's impossible to get our needs met much less identify them when someone's persecuting us and claiming we're irrational or monsters or mean for simply stating our true perceptions.  I don't like it. 

As I look around.... the people I percieve as heatlhy, have struggles in their relationships. 

They get in there and hash them out..... take a bite and look forward to being understood... finding some resolution most of the time but not afraid to jump in and get the party started.... where I'd usually rather ignore till the things the size of Mt. Everest.

I've always hated conflict of any kind and I read that NO conflict in the first years of marriage is a primary indicator that the marriage won't last.

Now I understand.... it;s not conflict that kills a relationship. 

It's the lack of resolution .

Conflict is one way people come together.... hopefull a free exchange of ideas where everyone is free to speak without being condemned for expressing themselves. 

I feel better about it now but..... I'd still prefer a good honest chat where everyone gets to say what they really think without being condemned.  A little humor.... a little agreement to disagree if nothing can be resolved.

I don't see why conflict has to degenerate into a barroom brawl

[Lupita]

Lighter, my thread, can we be like them? remember? This is exactly what I wanted to project.
Emotional literacy.
I need to read that book.
You have wonderful verbal skills.
Are you the same in alive shows? I mean in real life? if somebody tells you something bad, do you react assertive?

I totally relate to your post.

I am working very hard to be able to accept others. Because Goldilukcs, too hot, too cold, too soft, too hard. And you (we) are just axficiating our selves, each time with smaller space, because everybody has N traits, and N traits terrify us. Or so I think.

I want to stay here in the board, but feel so irritated with some things, but I know if I run away I will regret and will be just another one more place from which I ran away.

[lighter]

There's a saying Lupita....

"I went to Europe to find myself.... but I wasn't there."

Wherever we go.... our struggles follow us.

In real life.... I'd rather crush my ankle than enter into conflict. 

When I'm feeling centered.... I can see feel navigate life without so much guilt I can't see what's in front of me.

Sometimes I can't wave at the neighbors without terrible butterflys in my stomach.  They're from Bosnia.... they had a terrible war torn existence.... they lost family..... they don't speak to me much...

I can go on and on freaking myself out over it. 

I'm currently struggling with calling the widower friend with the 3 small children and offering any help I can.  I can't find the right words, I'm chasing my tail thinking thinking thinking of an appropriate mouthful of words that expresses so many things in a short conversation.  I want to have longer ones with him....  but this one would be while dropping children off at school.  How shall I handle that?  I feel guilt and part of it is guilt I shouldn't feel.  Part is but..... I struggle, Lupita

Today.... I simply looked them my Bosnian neighbors in the eye and waved and enjoyed the return wave.

I don't have to complicate things with my history all the time..... I can figure out what the reality in a moment is.... and respond appropriately.  That is happens lets me know I can keep facilitating that in my life.... teach my children to do it too..

[Lupita]

Your post is too deep, profound. I am brain dead right now.

[lighter]

Sorry, Lupita.

I think you and I tend to be pretty seriouse and deep.... not always easy to follow.

I'm going to bed soon.  Nite.

[lighter]

On listening to my children....

trying to remain present in the moment, really.

I think that just staying with that.... and not going off into a self analyzing tour of what I've done and where I've been.... is more along the lines of being what I want to be... going where I want to go.

Healing, for me, is just that.  Being present. 


There's a lesson for me about making a statement, in the moment, then moving on to the next moment, without remaining there in that last moment's emotion.  (My apologies RM.... I know this isn't easy to follow)

I wonder how to handle validating one's own feelings, with or without including others in that validation.... then moving beyond it,either way. 

I guess you express yourself and then keep moving.... hopefully whatever it was that you validated for yourself.... is internalized to some extent, without dwelling on it.

Not really sure yet.


::going to build a fort with children::

[Lupita]

What do you want to be?

and

Where do you want to go?

[Lupita]

When I was sleep walking through life, I knew what I wanted, now that I have waken up, I do not know anymore. I wanted to be somebody. Now, I just want to be a likeble person. I just want that my son does well. And anyway, I am not happy.

I know, I already went to the gym, I dont want to go out just to go out, dont have the desire. I could go to Barnes and noble to read or have a capuccino, I dont want to. Maybe I should go to the movies, I dont want to.

I dont even know what I want.

[lighter]

I think my natural state is to live in the moment, happily like a child.

I think I've been turned inside out over the last 7 years..... have gone in  and out of that state according to my proximity to people who require I turn myself inside out....  and my dependancy on them.

I'm pretty serene when I'm on my own.... though I've always desired connections to people.

Finding them is very difficult.... I seem to attract difficult controlling demanding people who can't possibly be appeased.

You probably have more connections than I do right now, maybe more than I ever had.

One relationship with someone I connect with (who knows pretty much everything about me and still accepts me), can laugh sardonically with me, who gets me..... is enough to keep my feet on the ground... or bring them back, if need be.

I don't yearn for a reciprocal relationship, so much.  I've been there, done that.  I think if you've never had many relationships, then it's natural to desire that.


With the children.... happiness to me looks like enjoying them in the moment and showing them how to embrace my own passions, which used to be easy.

It's not any more and I'd like to be able to have what I lost.

You're looking for a way to embrace your passion..... your medical career.

I think finding a way to get that for yourself would solve a lot of issues for you.

Much of our identity is tied up in our work and hobbys.

You're not in a good place with work and it spills into your spiritual and music life as well.

Even your private life, in that you've been forbidden to go to clubs, which I do think is innapropriate on several levels.

::whew::

I'd imagine everyone has some type of problem with work but..... a lot might be solved if you were working in your chosen field, ,I have to assume that anyway.

[emptied]

That was beautiful. Through the eyes and innocent soul of a child. I hope that one day we can all reach a point where we can say those words to ourselves, rather than reserve them simply for our significant persons. Maybe it is just my story, but I have no problem loving others who are broken. It is self love that I struggle with. I have found this message board though and today I feel hope.

[lighter]

Lollie:  Thanks for that comment.  It was very touching to hear such a small voice, express such a large sentiment. 


Emptied:  It is hard to embrace and nurture ourselves after years of sacraficing ourselves for people who can't be made happy.  We have to learn to do that.... remain focused and work on new skills... practice them until they become habits and we believe we're deserving of the time and attention.  So much to learn.

[Lupita]

Well, I still did not understand where do you want to go and what do you want to be.

Just enjoy your children? That is what you said? for now?

But if it is ofr now, there is not a where you want to go, or what you want to be like you mentioned in you previous post. For the now, where and what does not exist, now is now.

I was wondering if you had set up goals in life. I used to have them. I think I am getting too old. I dont have them anymore.

You are totally right that my environment is not good.

So, I am still curious in why you said where and what, impplying the future, if you just want to enjoy the present.

[lighter]

Your goal to become a working doctor is real, Lupita.


My goal to raise young children well is real, as well.

I used to take them to my workouts, which translated into law enforcement training and tactictal self defense for women and law enforcement officers..... they saw me involved in my passion.

I worked out at my regular pace..... climbed heavy bags and banged as hard as I ever did up to 8mo pregnant with my second child.  I was forced to quit working out, against my wishes.  They've been exposed to a mother who has enjoyed and persued a passion.

I've worked renovating properties and building new construction with them on my hip and by my side.  They've seen me enjoy that work and grit my teeth through it, when the going got hard.

I hope to continue to find activities, work that feeds my soul and work through the things that don't, with determination and a good attitude.  I want to teach them by modeling for them. 

I've been very distracted.  I want to be less distracted and more focused the hour I occupy.

I've considered writing, going back to designing and producing point of purchase displays and adverstising..... spending more time teaching tactical defense.

No matter what I'm doing....  I want to teach my girls perserverance and strength.... I want them to be autonomous and empathetic.  I want them to find passions and persue them, single midedly...... without feeling responsible for me or my happiness. 

I'm very focused on them, as I feel I've already traveled, accomplished personal goals and found myself.  Will I seek out and set goals again, at some point? 

Most certainly... yes.  Just a bit distracted right now.