Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Been thinking about Father's Day
nassim:
You meet a neighbor, you hang out a little, you share the same pub and then you inevitably have sex cause I felt a connection and it was there for both of us. After that, you communicate a bit via email and text messaging and then it stops.
Sorry, I'm not sure who I am addressing, maybe all the women who wonder about men. Since you asked the questions, please don't run me off the board for giving you some insight into our little brains.
First of all men have a biological imperative to put as much sperm in as many places as possible (the younger the guy, the more this usually applies). That means we will lie to you to get sex, we will feign a great interest in you to get sex, we will go to great lengths to get sex. Now I am speaking generally. Obviously this isn't the case 100% of the time.
And I am always amazed that women fall for this. A relationship hasn't really been established and you are willing to have sex. Then you are looking for something more that we may not have to give at that time. But we aren't thinking about you or your feelings when we want the sex.
The great part is, you have all the control. You can say no. You can refuse to have sex until a relationship has been extablished. And if the guy doesn't stick around that long, he just wanted sex and will go to an easier place to get it. So if you just want sex..no strings..go ahead and do. And I won't insult you with all the potential downsides to having sex without committment. But you women do have all the control. And we are generally afraid of you emotionally.
Beleive me, men are quite simple creatures. My wife sometimes thinks I'm having very profound thoughts because my brow will be furrowed. I'm thinking about something electronic more than likely LOL. We do have emotions, but we don't usually just jump right in with them like women do. It would be better to be circumspect about who you let touch your precious bodies.
Now I will get off my soapbox and tell you that women are beautiful creatures and we should be in awe of you when a meaningful relationship exists.
I hope that wasn't too brutal.
Nassim
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: Anonymous ---You meet a neighbor, you hang out a little, you share the same pub and then you inevitably have sex cause I felt a connection and it was there for both of us.
--- End quote ---
Unfortunately, this is a classic "one-night stand" situation. Most men in pubs will assume that you're lonely or bored. They also assume a mutual agreement that this is nothing but a brief encounter.
I think he is freaked out by your pursuit and interest in a relationship. He has no interest in that. As far as he's concerned, there was no commitment on his side. When you get silence from a man after a sexual encounter, there is no mystery to it. It means, "I'm not interested." The best thing to do is move on. Run like hell, in fact.
I think you may have to write this off as a learning experience and look for a decent therapist. The woman you describe sounds like she was way out of her depth and shouldn't even be in practice. I'm sorry you suffered through her incompetence. There are much better therapists out there. You have to keep searching until you find one. I found mine through my medical insurance.
bunny
Anonymous:
nassim is right.
bunny
Dawning:
--- Quote ---I think he is freaked out by your pursuit and interest in a relationship. He has no interest in that. As far as he's concerned, there was no commitment on his side. When you get silence from a man after a sexual encounter, there is no mystery to it. It means, "I'm not interested." The best thing to do is move on. Run like hell, in fact.
--- End quote ---
This is good advice but it does not apply to my particular case completely. He is younger than me. I thought of him as a younger friend to hang out with...had no interest in sex until one day when I did find him sexually attractive after quite a few meetings - NOT at a bar. We share the same pub which I go to once a week or once every two weeks or if there is a special event. That is why I can't figure out why he would stop speaking to me...does sex change a friendship so much??? I am interested in being his friend...more than in having a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship if I had to choose. For my part, I should have told him how I felt instead of being so spontaneous.
--- Quote ---please don’t value yourself through sex…you don’t do you? I did (until about 2 months ago probably).
--- End quote ---
Portia, nice question. Actually, I value myself in my ability to have a common sense approach to sex. I don't attach the morality to it that many people in western countries do but I do expect respect to come along with the act of sex and - if it doesn't - then to me that reflects more on the character of the person who is disrespecting than the person who wanted to have an honest encounter.
I guess the person in question is shallower than I thought. I dunno. It is starting to seem that way. Don't really know on what basis he thinks he can practice esoteric insight meditation at this rate but it WAS a learning experience.
Interesting reply by Naseem and something else to consider certainly. But I guess I am in the minority here. I want real and honest relationships with people without judgement and disrepect. I can handle rejection - maybe the fact that I am in a culture that is alien to me - makes me feel more acutely about almost everything. And I am more sensitive than many people. But if I want something, I am not good at playing games to get it. I know that about myself. So I guess I may be single for a good while longer. And that is okay. I've obviously got major father issues to work out. Mother is driving me crazy with her stupid comments too. Grandmother was in the hospital recently and I get mom's rant about how grandmother can't expect "the hospital to be like the Waldorf Astoria" and why won't grandmother stop complaining. Funny thing is: my mother is calling HER mother "grandmother." How weird is that. Just a little aside.
The main thing now is to forget a little about this encounter. And learn from how I reacted. As usual, I would not be able to get to where I am now without being able to have the frank exchange I have found here. Will reply to the other posts in a little while. Have to do some work now. :)
sonia:
Dawning,
This sounds like an acquaintance..not a friendship. There's no mystery here as Bunny said. And since you didn't know him well and he was callous after sex, why do you want him as a friend anyway? It sounds like you didn't know him well enough to ascertain if he was friendship material. And you don't know him well enough to judge that he is a bad person either. He may attach some morality to sex even though he's being a cad. Why attach your sentiments of sex and then say he is shallow?
I don't think culture matters much. If there was a real true bond of friendship, these complications could be talked out.
I think as another poster said, chalk it up to experience and learn from it.
Sonia
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