Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Been thinking about Father's Day
Anonymous:
Dawning,
Your father sounds seriously self-absorbed. Writing him would only get you more of the same treatment. If you're in therapy, you can work on your father issues there. Your actual father can't help you. He's far too limited. When you can emotionally separate your father from other men, you can attract a decent man. Probably you want someone responsible, reliable, honorable, warm, generous, etc. Don't settle for anything less. What happens is we try to recreate our childhood drama with an adult self-absorbed man, hoping this time we'll win the drama. But it's best to abstain from these repetitions. Sometimes it takes outside help to do it.
bunny
mighty mouse:
Hi All,
Just wanted to weigh in on this love issue. I thought I would never find my wonderful H (married now 13 years). But I have a different technique which may not work for some, but maybe will for others.
That is I choose with my head. Unlike many, I have to satisfy my head first and then my heart follows. I have felt passion with many, but I do not trust it. My best relationships have always been with the head first. Now I know that is anathema for many, but when I am physically attracted, I never make a good choice.
My attraction for my husband grows everyday. And he was willing to be vulerable (in a smart way) and didn't invest in me too much until he was sure of his intentions and then flat out asked if I loved him. I didn't know I did until HE was willing to ask. But I had had enough time to see him in action...his thoughtfulness, his eveness (very important for me growing up in an unpredictible N house), his honesty, his caring, his patience (Lord knows I needed that), his moral compass, and his calm.
I am tearing up writing about this wonderful man. He is so precious to me. I didn't think he was particularly good looking at first and now his face is the cutest, handsomest face I know (that doens't mean I can't appreciate the good looks of the carpenters on all those home improvement shows LOL).
But my love for him has grown exponentially over the days and years. It's hard to beleive I can love him more each day.
Sorry to go on so long and good luck to any and all pursuing love.
MM
Anonymous:
I'm writing this in the 2nd person for some reason. Sounds right...helps me to generalize and remove myself from the situation to see more objectively.
You meet a neighbor, you hang out a little, you share the same pub and then you inevitably have sex cause I felt a connection and it was there for both of us. After that, you communicate a bit via email and text messaging and then it stops. You ask him in an email if you want to hang out and that is when he stops replying. You meet his friend who lives in your building and friend says could be that he is freaked out by the age difference - you're older than him by more than 10 years. Maybe he doesn't want to tell me that because he doesn't want to hurt me. But all I have to go on are maybes. People say things like "it is not worth it to get hung up" and I am but not on him. I just can't handle the not knowing cause that is what I got from my parents all my life. And I don't want to feel about this person the way I feel about my father. Has anybody else gotten the silent treatment from men after sex? This has never happened to me before. I swear this voice I have now sounds so adolescent. :? But ever since I became sexually active, I never had a problem with the guy wanting to see me afterwards. In fact, they became my boyfriends. Maybe I should analyze why we broke up. It seems so long ago and then I came to live here with a man and we broke up and he left. And I stayed. Had two boyfriends since then. One is my on again/off again but cultural issues leave me feeling unfulfilled.
As for the silent treatment, I feel like I am pushing him for a response (and I don't like to think of myself as a pushy person but maybe I am in these cases. :? . Any response would be better than silence. His silence is making my brain overthink and twist in on itself. But that is my problem and I feel old/middle-aged for the first time when I know better than to get hung up on THAT. Complete waste of time. :P
Any comments from the men on the board too?
Yeah, Bunny and Michelle - therapy sounds great with the right therapist but after 4 years with the same woman and feeling like her speed was SO slow -and she wasn't analytical enough - I kind of overdid it on therapy and it started seeming like a waste of time and she listened but hardly said a thing so I felt pretty unfulfilled once I was ready to start tapping into uncharted territory. I spoke with her about this but she just listened to that too and didn't say a word...just stared at me. :x
Thanks to everyone.
Dawning:
That was me, Dawning, in the post above. :)
Jaded:
Dawning,
I hope I don't offend anyone when I share my feelings on this. I have been there done this myself dawning. I have been on the receiving end of the silence and I have given a few cold shoulders in my time. I just think that men and women see things from two different views. You know the old men are venus women are from mars dealio.
I think women look at things more from an emotional side of things and men view things from...........well I am short on answers with that side of things, lol. I just think that women get more emotionally wrapped up when they are intimate with a man and some men it takes time to emotionally mingle with a woman.
It is easy for me to sit here and tell you not to feel ashamed or embarrassed by the fact you slept with him. It is not me that feels the ole "wham bam thank ya maam." As I said before, been there done that. But you have to also think of this from other angles. Ok for example, maybe he just went through a horrible breakup and he had his emotions ran through the mill. Maybe he is embarrassed by something or perhaps feels like he said or did not say something right.
I can understand how you feel shunned or used. You have every right to have the feelings that you do. I would just try to also think of other reasons besides him rejecting you that could be causing his actions or should I say lack of actions.
I would love to also hear the mens point of views of this one. Like I said, I am short on answers on that one. Hell, if I knew all of the answers to the mens minds, I could make a fortune telling all you girly girls. Dang, sometimes people are like big jigsaw puzzles. You just have to throw all of the pieces out there and work to put them together. It is a frustrating and confusing task at times but when its all pieced together it feels like such an accomplishment!! :lol:
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