Dear emptied

[reallyME]

The first thing that my inner spirit was shouting while reading your post about your life and past, is "IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!"

If, while you are with us here at Voicelessness board, you get nothing else from it, please try to at least grasp this....IT WAS NOT MY FAULT...say it with me "IT WAS NOT MY FAULT."

emptied, I can speak as someone who has been on this board quite a while, because of a spiritual mentoring situation gone wrong...people are here for so many reasons, but every person who has come and stayed, has been helped eventually in some way, as far as what I've seen.

I do pray and hope that you will stick with us here and find what you need to heal deep inside. 

I cried when I read your story.  It is only one of sooooooooooo many others and yet so individually painful and disillusioning.

My prayer is that you will one day really know "LIFE" and the feeling of "LETTING GO" so that you can be who you were destined to be and begin to truly FLY in the joy of just BEING.

Blessya and talk soon

~Laura

[emptied]

You made me cry! Thank you so much. There isn't much more I can say at this point. You are so awesome....

[reallyME]

well, emptied, I don't know how "awesome" I am, other than who I am in Jesus, but I am working on taming some of my tactlessness.  Anyone here can tell you that I am sometimes pretty "in yer face" on my stances.  I am coming to learn something new about myself too...I am learning that I still have some pretty baffling feelings about the former mentor who was in my life and left it and me.

~Laura

[alone48]

Dear Emptied,

Oh my God, it was like reading my own story with a few twist. I can relate so muc hto how you feel. I know that I am somewhat intelligent, but think i have done everything wrong in life and wonder how I got to where I am and if it's worth being here. I've had so many oppurtunities that I have screwed up and can't believe what I have done with my life. I also don't want to  be a victim, but again think I set myself up for it. Maybe together and with the help offered here we can figure it out.

[Leah]

This thread has truly warmed and uplifted my heart.  Love, Leah

[emptied]

I truly have to say that it feels like Christmas instead of New Years. At this point I think that we need to Acknowledge the "gifts" that our Nparents gave us. I can't say that I have ever in my life felt so welcomed and understood anywhere before or ever met such a nice group of supportive people. I know that this can at times be a problem for us, to focus on someone else and their pain, truly want to help, but to the other person it is truly a gift. I thank all of you for the gifts that you have already given me.

E

[reallyME]

Well, since I didn't have an N parent per se, I will say that I'm thankful to X for teaching me how to have pride in how I dress and behave in public.  True that she took it to the extreme, but I don't, yet, before I met her, I had no sense in what clothing matched or how I turned off others by my odd behaviors either.

I also have to give credit to her for teaching me that my relationship with Holy Spirit was the only one I could really ever count on.  By pulling away from me, mistreating me, using the silent treatment with me, and showing me basically what she went through as a child having to have all the answers, raise herself, and having no parents truly in her life, she taught me what it felt like to fully lean on God and also how not to treat my own daughters.

WIth X it has never been an "all black" experience for me, emptied.  I experienced nights of humor with her, going shopping, meeting her family, preaching at her church, eating at restaurants, meeting her aquaintences, being given nice gifts, learning about her ministry work abroad.  I guess that's why my heart has been really torn for a long time...because it wasn't all BAD and I tend to want to migrate back toward "if only I wouldn't have ____________," or "I shouldn't have said or done ___________."

We can't let ourselves GO THERE, if we are to keep moving forward.  To say that I have no good feelings about her, well, I'd be a liar.

~L

[emptied]

L,

      I guess I was thinking more along the lines of being intuitive, caring, concerned for others, etc etc that seems to have been displayed toward me on my first few posts on this board. I think sometimes the Hard things in our lives are what truly burnish our spirits and can stretch us to our limits. I think everyone here has been so trained to be kind and caring, understanding of others foibles, intuitive (to prevent the abuse) understanding, etc-I guess in a sense I have confused myself with this one-sorry...

I am glad that you brought that up though-that there were good parts also, because I truly love the Npeople in my life. I can see how they came to be the way that they are. It does NOT mean that I want much or any contact with them, but I do love them. My problem is that I think that I can get too focused on how they came to be the way that they are and it keeps me immobilized out of concern and understanding. I know that I am better to keep total distance. The funny part is that I have known some of my N people for so many years that in a lot of ways they have made progress and become different sorts of people in ways, but that basic underlying concern for self is always still there, as is the ability to hurt me soooo deeply. Hugs and thanks for the words of wisdom.

E

[reallyME]

emptied,

I still love X too, so I know what you mean.  As much as I discuss what happened to me over and over again because of whatever, I can't say I did not grow to love her.  I did.  That is where the hurt is even years later.  I miss talking to her, shopping with her, going to church with her, etc.  Then the painful realization comes in, that all those things were nothing more than her "bait" to bring me close enough to punish me in the end.  She had a need to hurt people for the hurt done to her, and tag, I became her "it"

[emptied]

I am so sorry that you became her "it" UGH!! We can all be so lost and floundering at times, but how can someone not realize that they are causing others so MUCH pain? I don't know that I will ever find an acceptable answer to that, so just let me say that I understand totally.

[reallyME]

but how can someone not realize that they are causing others so MUCH pain?

That's just the thing, as insane as it seems, they DO realize it.  They just do not CARE.

To N's and to X, we are objects, projects, mirrors, clones, but never separate humans.  Their way of "loving" and then leaving, is backed up by them telling us that they mistreated and deserted us "for our own good."

Generally with N's and Borderlines, they say things like "you'd be better off without me."  In the end of my situation, X told me "look at how I treated you! How COULD you still say you love me.  I couldn't love someone who did that to me."  Believe me, they KNOW what they are doing is wrong.  They just have no clue WHY they do it many times and its' something they are "driven" to do to us.

I get the N's and borderlines confused a lot of the times, because in some ways they are so similar.  I have encountered many more borderlines online than in person though, I can tell you that.  The N's have been the in-person encounters in my own experience.

~L

[emptied]

I guess it would do me good to realize that they DOO know. I need to hold on to that, so thanks! I have a sister that is Borderline, so I have gotten better in dealing with that one, but oh the guilt! There is so much love mixed in that it makes it difficult. As for my Nmother, I am not sure that she can see outside herself far enough to even realize she has an impact on others. I am not sure she is a true N, in that I think there is mental illness and also maybe some intellectual deficits, so she may truly not have the ability to see outside herself...but of course, people can explain and explain to her how she is impacting others and she still just doesn't "get" it and she "gets" a lot of other things that will help her to get her own way, so who knows? I get tense and semi sick to my stomach just thinking about her and the situation! I have managed to keep a lot of distance without really totally cutting off contact totally, but I think that might just be ahead, I don't know. Thanks for the conversation this morning.

E