apologies for not reading all threads

[Hopalong]

Hi all,
After a few weeks where I couldn't focus here daily (I usually go backwards...meaning, I look for the NEW blue icons from the later threads and work my way up to the most current, after hitting Show Unread Posts Since Last Visit) -- I'm realizing I can't keep up...

So I'm going to click on New Replies to Your Posts from hereon. Feel sort of guilty since that seems selfish, as though I'm only interested if someone's talking to MEEEEEEEEEEE. But that's not it.

Wanted to tell everybody in advance that I love and care and am interested in everyone here, so if anybody wants me to know about anything, please alert me to read another thread I've missed.

thanks!
xxoo,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Hops you are not the first person who has expressed a similar sentiment about reading all the posts.  I am glad that you are able to take care of yourself in this way.  It is a type of boundary.

This is easy for me to say because I have never attempted to read all the threads.  I can't do it and I am not interested in all of them.  There are times that I can't follow a thread, can't understand what is going on and there are times when I disagree with or am triggered by or not interested in the conversation and I choose to not read those.  That is my boundary.

There is a selfishness in that but then that can be said for all boundaries and it certainly was an argument used to keep me boundaryless when I was growing up.  I felt responsible for EVERYONE and all their feelings.  That was an overwhelming sensation. 

I do try to engage with posters who touch me and I do try to offer something as well as to get something. One of the things that I love soooo much about this board is that I receive so much when I reach out to others and I have heard from some that my posts have been helpful to them - not because I tried to help them but it happened on a level beyond me.

Anyway, I am going on and on but my point is that I am glad that you realize what you limit is at this time and I am glad tha you are choosing to take care of yourself.  It does not come across to me as selfish but rather self loving.

your friend - GS

[Leah]

Bless you  ((((( Hops )))))

for being you, so thoughtful.

no need to back track, just be, here today.

Love, Leah

[Certain Hope]

So I'm going to click on New Replies to Your Posts from hereon. Feel sort of guilty since that seems selfish, as though I'm only interested if someone's talking to MEEEEEEEEEEE. But that's not it.

LOL... Hops! That is brilliant!!  And you are SOooooooo not selfish in that way... sheesh. Gee, I want a button that only gives replies to your last posts, too!   

Love to you and big mooshy hugs,
Carolyn

[write]

I agree- I cannot possibly read everything without triggering my own computer-compulsiveness so I just read pretty randomly and hope for the best!

Things are pretty good with me.

Ex gave me a significant chunk of his tax rebate, he is scrupulous about money and he said it was fair. I think he's right, but it always delights me that he's so good about money which is most people's weakness.

I did tell him tonight I was concerned about him ( again ) and whilst we were talkign he said very forcibly 'I cannot change- to say anything else would be duplicitous.' I told him that is very personality disordered and that I think he needs to talk to the psychiatrist again, but he says it's a waste of time and money. He hasn't been back in over a year.

I said well son will grow up, I will remarry and what will happen to you? And he said he will stay as he is until he has enough then kill himself.

It's pretty sad isn't it to feel that way- that everything is futile.

Then he went off on a negative diatribe about society and people and I said 'come on let's go shopping, and cheer up- it's like hanging out with Samuel Beckett!' and we both ended up laughing a lot.

Life is strange it really is...

*

I don't think we have to apologise for setting boundaries- if we're as kind as we can be what more can we do?!

Love to everyone, I''l come back next week- I am setting myself boundaries too and sticking to them, which is a first!!!

~Write

[write]

well I told you ex gave me some of his tax rebate- next day he asked for it back!

The amazing thing about it all is how blind I was durign the marriage, I never saw anything as the controllign it was.

It's a lesson for future relationships- they say love is blind I tell myself 'no- YOU were blind!'

~W

[Hopalong]

Did you give it to him? Are you entitled to it?

Jeez. I'm sorry, Write.

And on the topic for a mo'--I've also realized I will just be catching up from January on in the New Replies to Your Posts thingie...can't make my way through the latter part of December.

Dunno why I'm reporting this in such detail, I just feel badly since until now I've always read everything.

hang in there, Write.

love
Hops

[Leah]

Oh (((( Write ))))

He gave you the money as a gift

 ....... one cannot ask for a gift back!

but there again, N's arn't us!


Empathy for you, as that must have been such a tummy wrench to hear, and endure.

How are you feeling, now, Write?

Love, Leah

[write]

oh I don't care- it'll change again tomorrow. It's only money. It's more important to me that I recognise these patterns and how I have always tuned them out and made excuses...and how readily I am to do it for new people in my life!!!

I am so enjoying doing this eharmony thing, learning so much about looking just at what people say. They really do reveal everything I need to know, but I have been so hell-bent on romance or friendship or idealism I just didn't want to be practical and take care of myself in all things

which is what this is:

Dunno why I'm reporting this in such detail, I just feel badly since until now I've always read everything.

I am not the saviour of the universe or any more or less than anyone else or superhuman or subhuman or right or wrong....I've always been doing this internal battle trying to prove I am okay, G_d knows who to- my mother I think.

I'm starting to say 'I do my best' and if sometimes I am feeling 'I didn't do that well' etc well I am human. I think I tried to be more than human just so my mother would notice me and love me, when it was her problems which blocked that. Then I've been acting out our non-relationship the rest of my life.

That's why I bond with NPD people who can't do intimacy, so I can try it again.

Maybe my mother was NPD. It was hard to tell. She certainly had a far grander opinion of herself than her achievements and circumstances warranted.
Her second husband seemed to dote on her, she treated him quite poorly.
She had no empathy.

Ex has more empathy than that- he's just really messed up.
But I can feel some love coming from him which I never did with my mother....

Things are really string with me, thanks Hops and Leah.
I don't think I can be as easily controlled any more!!!

Take care, love to everyone

~Write

[Hopalong]

Hi Amber,
Mom's sad but placable and not in pain.
Brother sends the occasional curt email.

all is well for now...too much to attend to, paperwork, visiting geriatric care planners etc.

and work.

But I am enjoying, so much, being home alone.

xo
Hops

[write]

But I am enjoying, so much, being home alone.

and every cloud has the silver lining!

 

[teartracks]

Dear  Sweet Hops,

No apologies necessrry.

Me too - the home alone thing, except I've never adopted this as my home.  It has been the place (not home for me but for my mom) where I cared for her.

She's awfullly sleepy today.  I fear she will get dehydrated.  Called the facility to double check.

Love you,

tt