oh I don't care- it'll change again tomorrow. It's only money. It's more important to me that I recognise these patterns and how I have always tuned them out and made excuses...and how readily I am to do it for new people in my life!!!
I am so enjoying doing this eharmony thing, learning so much about looking just at what people say. They really do reveal everything I need to know, but I have been so hell-bent on romance or friendship or idealism I just didn't want to be practical and take care of myself in all things
which is what this is:
Dunno why I'm reporting this in such detail, I just feel badly since until now I've always read everything.
I am not the saviour of the universe or any more or less than anyone else or superhuman or subhuman or right or wrong....I've always been doing this internal battle trying to prove I am okay, G_d knows who to- my mother I think.
I'm starting to say 'I do my best' and if sometimes I am feeling 'I didn't do that well' etc well I am human. I think I tried to be more than human just so my mother would notice me and love me, when it was her problems which blocked that. Then I've been acting out our non-relationship the rest of my life.
That's why I bond with NPD people who can't do intimacy, so I can try it again.
Maybe my mother was NPD. It was hard to tell. She certainly had a far grander opinion of herself than her achievements and circumstances warranted.
Her second husband seemed to dote on her, she treated him quite poorly.
She had no empathy.
Ex has more empathy than that- he's just really messed up.
But I can feel some love coming from him which I never did with my mother....
Things are really string with me, thanks Hops and Leah.
I don't think I can be as easily controlled any more!!!
Take care, love to everyone
~Write