I hope it's okay for me to pop in and out with this stuff, not sure if it can be of use to anyone else really, but it is so useful for me to have somewhere to put it.
I was going to see the therapist but the money went on the kitten getting a rash- $175 worth!
I looked at the topic passive aggression to see if I had any of the traits, this is from The Passive Aggressive Man book:
*FEAR OF DEPENDENCY - Unsure of his autonomy & afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs - usually by trying to control you.
*FEAR OF INTIMACY - Guarded & often mistrusful, he is reluctant to show his emotional fragility. He's often out of touch with his feelings, reflexively denying feelings he thinks will "trap" or reveal him, like love. He picks fights to create distance.
*FEAR OF COMPETITION - Feeling inadequate, he is unable to compete with other men in work and love. He may operate either as a self-sabotaging wimp with a pattern of failure, or he'll be the tyrant, setting himself up as unassailable and perfect, needing to eliminate any threat to his power.
*OBSTRUCTIONISM - Just tell a p/a man what you want, no matter how small, and he may promise to get it for you. But he won't say when, and he"ll do it deliberately slowly just to frustrate you. Maybe he won't comply at all. He blocks any real progress he sees to your getting your way.
*FOSTERING CHAOS - The p/a man prefers to leave the puzzle incomplete, the job undone.
*FEELING VICTIMIZED - The p/a man protests that others unfairly accuse him rather than owning up to his own misdeeds. To remain above reporach, he sets himself up as the apparently hapless, innocent victim of your excessive demands and tirades.
*MAKING EXCUSES & LYING - The p/a man reaches as far as he can to fabricate excuses for not fulfilling promises. As a way of withholding information, affirmation or love - to have power over you - the p/a man may choose to make up a story rather than give you a straight answer.
*PROCRASTINATION - The p/a man has an odd sense of time - he believes that deadlines don't exist for him.
*CHRONIC LATENESS & FORGETFULNESS - One of the most infuriating & inconsiderate of all p/a traits is his inability to arrive on time. By keeping you waiting, he sets the ground rules of the relationship. And his selective forgetting - used only when he wants to avoid an obligation.
*AMBIGUITY - He is master of mixed messages and sitting on fences. When he tells you something, you may still walk away wondering if he actually said yes or no.
*SULKING - Feeling put upon when he is unable to live up to his promises or obligations, the p/a man retreats from pressures around him and sulks, pouts and withdraws.
A passive-aggressive man won't have every single one of these traits, but he'll have many of them. He may have other traits as well, which are not passive-aggressive.
FROM: Kaplan, H.I. & Saddock, B.J. (1997) SYNOPSIS OF PSYCHIATRY, 8th ed. Baltimore: Williams & Wilkins
This is all like NPD behaviour too isn't it. I am just shocked at how much of it I could not see clearly before. I have a pattern of associating with people who do these things routinely, and of coping with the consequences with and for them.
Maybe because I haven't been direct enough at times- because directness quashes a fragile relationship often, and I didn't have enough strong relationships in my life?
*
One thing about today- it's really difficult to concentrate and though I have had a healthy lunch and done my correspondence I haven't walked or done the paperwork I'm supposed to be doing.
Maybe these exchanges with ex truly are still disruptive and damaging and I need to take more step back....but then I don't know, my friends with NPD exes aren't having more luck with bigger boundaries either.
I guess in addition to the traits above NPD is inability to perceive others as separate from self or to maintain a self-image which isn't 'perfect' ( to the NPD person at least )?
