Am I really surprised by my N father?

[Gaining Strength]

My father is remarrying.  In December he invited me to the wedding on Jan 19.  My oldest brother had decided not to attend.  i admired him for that and I have been waivering back and forth over whether to attend or not.  I really wanted to take my son away for the long weekend.

I ran into one of my parents' friends today at a meeting.  She said she heard that my father was married.  I explained that he wasn't marrying until the 19th.  No she was sure ...   I just dismissed it as a mistake.

later I was speaking to my middle brother who moved to Palm Beach just before X-mas.  I was returning his call.  I mentioned to himi that our other brother told me that he (middle bro) was giving a party in honor of our father the night before the wedding.  I asked him if he was still planning to do so.  "No," he said, "our father is already married, he got married on the 5th."

I called my father's cell phone and left him a message.  "You invited me to your wedding on the 19th.  I put off plans to take my son out of town for the long weekend.  I set my calendar around your invitation.  Now I've learned from a friend of yours that you are already married.  Did you forget to uninvite me?  Were you going to let me know not to show up on the 19th?"

Why am I surprised?

I have mentioned here before that the woman he married lives directly behind me - we share a property line.  Also he left me a message on Dec. 30 to say he was in my driveway - no mention that he was getting married in a few days.

I so admire my oldest brother who has gone NC.  I Hope to develop that much courage.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Gaining Strength,

So typical. I'd venture to say that if you made a list of what you stand to lose versus the abundance of potential gain
which would come from No Contact... you'd be amazed!


About this:  "Also he left me a message on Dec. 30 to say he was in my driveway - no mention that he was getting married in a few days."

I'm sorry, GS, but I laughed aloud on this one, because my brother has actually done this... and I know his line of thought:
"If you were worthy of knowing my plans, you would have been sure to be available when I had the opportunity to share said plans with you."

Phooey.

Honestly, I think it's a great blessing that you won't have to attend this event... and I hope that you and your son can make alternate plans for that date which will be full of joy and plain old fashioned fun!

Love,
Carolyn

[Hopalong]

GS,
For lord's sake, the man's arrogant.
Doesn't sound like it would've been much fun...

I too hope you get away and play.

love and I'm sorry but maybe I'm relieved for you
(my brother is jerking me around in the exact same way, keeping me offkilter about his visit plans, so among other things--like hiding things--I also can't make any plans of my own)

sympathy,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

I'm sorry, GS, but I laughed aloud on this one, because my brother has actually done this... and I know his line of thought:
"If you were worthy of knowing my plans, you would have been sure to be available when I had the opportunity to share said plans with you."

OMG - how do you know my father? 

He called me Dec 10th, the day after my son's birthday and left 4 or 5 messages about what was he to give my son for Christmas.  I didn't call him back for a couple of days.  I had had an EXTREMELY hectic week leading up to my son's birthday and then I had an enormous amount of work to do with X-mas looming ahead.  When he finally made contact with me he was angry and said, "I don't have all day to call you.  I have other people I need to call."  How bizarre!!!  Granted he was doing something nice for my son but of course, in typical N fashion it had to be "when" he demanded and "what" he expected and "how" he wanted it.  In essence, he was going to go to the store and pay for the gift I selected but even that had to be on his terms and his time-line.  Gee - why can't I be more appreciative?

Thanks Hops - I am relieved but irritated as well.  I should be embarrassed that my parent's friend knew before me but - hey - that just shows what a jerk he is.

[Overcomer]

It never ceases to amaze me how these N people do not even think we matter in life and look at us like there is something wrong with us for even questioning them.  I am frustrated FOR YOU!

[Gaining Strength]

I am frustrated FOR YOU!

Thanks OC.  I don't really expect him to behave to a normal person but none-the-less the N behavior is so astonishing.  I'm still thankful for the diagnosis from the psychiatrist this summer.  His confirmation/validation does help.  There is still something lonely about the experiences with an N.  thank goodness the people here DO understand but I know all too well that there is no point in telling anyone else about it.  They would simply make up explanations to explain it all away.

It's lonely to be connected to an N.

I've allowed this N to live inside my mind for so long.  It is definitely time to move his critical, double binding voice out and replace it with a loving, caring, nurturing, encouraging voice.  That is the job before me.

[Ami]

Dear GS,
 Wasn't your F just in the hosptital in really ,bad shape--dementia etc? Maybe,I am confused?   Love    Ani

[Hopalong]

It's lonely to be connected to an N.

Truer words never spoken, GS.

love,
Hops

[Certain Hope]

It's lonely to be connected to an N.

Truer words never spoken, GS.

love,
Hops

yup... trying to engage in fellowship with the self-absorbed is like trying to find a glimmer of light in a bottomless pit.

Love,
Carolyn

[gratitude28]

Wow, GS, talk about a total disregard for you and your life. The trth is, he probably never even thought of the fact that he had told you that - he just plain didn't care. You weren't even a blip on the radar. That is what I am realizing (trying to) about NM. She doesn't do things to be pointedly malicious to me - I don't even compute... I virtually do not exist for her unless she is somehow reminded of me.

NC would be great. I am not there either. I made the choice to maintain some contact so that I can be with my dad. But I have very limited contact now and basically let it wash over me - I no longer analyze to death what she says to me, as most of it is garbage...

Lots of love and a hug, GS.

Love, Beth

[Ami]

I see ,with my M, that she is 'broken". It wasn't intentional. On her last visit, she TRIED to be as good as she could be. She wanted to be a "good" mother.
  She did back down ,simply, b/c I was a bigger dog-. She will always be the 'dog" who jumps on the sofa when you are not looking. There will not be a 'learning" curve.
  I am talking to her ,on the phone, now.However, if I go out of the house, there she will be again--on the "sofa-"-bleh.
 Her thinking is not 'right".
 She is not trying to hurt me. She did hurt me ,terribly, but it was not intentional. She just things in a "screwy" way(understatement-lol)
  N's are cowards. They ,also, know WHO they can bully. She can't bully me, anymore, so she doesn't.
 She is a cerebral N, so there was not a physical component..
 My M backs down to my Aunt b/c my Aunt is a bigger dog--always has been
 The lesson of being a 'bigger dog" ,I  learned MUCH too late(lol).               Ami


PS, GS--as I was writing this, I was thinking that your F is in a different category than my M. I was not writing TO you,(giving advice), as much as  sharing my own experience. Not all N's are the same. Your F seems more "hard core" than my M. Just wanted to clarify, GS.I am sorry for the continual pain that your F foists on you, GS. You don't deserve a second of it!

[Gaining Strength]

Ami - yes my father was hospitalized from mother's day until the 23rd of july for a number of mental illnesses including OCD - hoarder, bi-polar, PD-NOS (one Dr. labeled it NPD), psychosis among others.  He was released against Dr.'s recommendation by the probate judge.  My father had hired an attorney - (a convicted crack dealer who had spent time in prison and somehow was reinstated to the bar.  He had been turned down by 6 attorneys from reputable firms.)  I have since learned that this particular judge has a reputation for corruption.  I don't know if that played into his decisions but I do know that NONE of the Drs. or court staff had EVER seen the judge go against the Dr.'s reccomendation - not EVER.  And of course my father is extraordinarily manipulative and had enought money to buy his way out. So much for justice.

[Leah]

Ami - yes my father was hospitalized from mother's day until the 23rd of july for a number of mental illnesses including OCD - hoarder, bi-polar, PD-NOS (one Dr. labeled it NPD), psychosis among others.  He was released against Dr.'s recommendation by the probate judge.  My father had hired an attorney - (a convicted crack dealer who had spent time in prison and somehow was reinstated to the bar.  He had been turned down by 6 attorneys from reputable firms.)  I have since learned that this particular judge has a reputation for corruption.  I don't know if that played into his decisions but I do know that NONE of the Drs. or court staff had EVER seen the judge go against the Dr.'s reccomendation - not EVER.  And of course my father is extraordinarily manipulative and had enought money to buy his way out. So much for justice.

Dear Gaining Strength,

With what you have shared just now, then my thoughts are that your father has married with a mission, purpose.  Giving a False Date !!

As now, he has a wife, an anchor, to remain as he wishes to be, looking out for number one. 

With regard to to my father, his number one priority in life, is he, himself.

Love and Warm thoughts,

Leah

[Ami]

Dear GS,
  After ALL that, he still has the energy to get married??(lol)      Ami