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Some thoughts and an update

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Learn:
Hi Everyone,

I want to take some time to let you all know how much you have helped me.  Those who responded to my posts and those who I have never "spoken" to.  I am reading about your lives and thoughts, and I find them very helpful and often inspiring.

I thought I would share with you how I am doing.  I did contact authorities about my father's behavior.  I don't know what will happen if anything...but I feel that I did something and it helps me to know I have tried.  I have managed to avoid almost everyone in my birth family, including my mom...but that is certainly not solving my internal turmoil.  This board has really helped me with my resolve to do these things.  I am so comforted by knowing that others are here that make similar choices in staying away from people who hurt them, even if it means they are family.  I am always so afraid that people will think I am really awful for not wanting to contact them.  

I have seen my therapist twice and I feel good about being back in that process.  Overall though, I feel pretty bad.  I had a small nervous breakdown last week.  Right before a big celebration.  Couldn't go...really felt bad...still do.  This is what I am afraid of...falling apart, letting people down.  

Cdplummer discussed pain on another thread...and I am so in awe of her ability to plow through it.  And she has 2 kids.  I am so afraid of my pain.  It sits in a room by itself.  I don't want to go in there...yet I feel like I am waiting in a corridor and that room is overflowing.

I also can't help thinking, "what the h**l is wrong with me".  I mean really...I have been doing this soul searching for a long time.  I read back in my journals from 15 years ago.  I had forgotten so much and it really brought how screwed up I was home to me.  So many crappy relationships (with men and women friends).  Therapy has helped me alot...I have a good marriage.  Yet...the pain still sits there waiting.  I have read so many self-help books, been through 3 therapists with over 6 years logged in weekly therapy.  So why am I still sitting here, depressed and afraid of this Pain?  

I asked my therapist if I had a personality disorder...you know he never really answered.   Later he said that one might feel crazy if you were the only normal person amongst crazy people.  But I am not comforted.  I am lost and unable to understand how this pain will stop from interfering in my life.  I refuse to let it become my life.  I refuse, I refuse, I refuse!!!  Maybe that is my problem, maybe I should let it become my friend.  I honestly don't know which way to go or if I even have that choice.

So here I stand, waiting for something to trigger in a therapy session that really helps me a ton.  I feel like a dope spending so much energy on myself.  I feel like a bigger dope that I just can't seem to "get it"  that I really suck at finding myself.  And this is probably one of the most important things I can do.  And I hope you all don't read this and think that I am too self indulgent.  That thought comes from my upbringing I guess.  I am realizing (again) that I was taught that my emotions were bad...and that I tend to separate them from the "good" part of me...whatever the heck that is cuz right now I can't even define that.

Please know that my thoughts are with you all...I hear all your voices and want the best for you.  I feel completely inadequate to respond most of the time and I hope you will understand.  I am struggling with all of my thoughts and feelings and am having a really hard time expressing myself (or even knowing what it is that I want to express).  

Bless you,
Learning

Learn:
I'm sorry Cplummer...I spelled your name wrong in my post above.   :roll:

Take Care.

Anonymous:

--- Quote from: Learn ---I asked my therapist if I had a personality disorder...you know he never really answered.   Later he said that one might feel crazy if you were the only normal person amongst crazy people.  But I am not comforted.  I am lost and unable to understand how this pain will stop from interfering in my life.  I refuse to let it become my life.  I refuse, I refuse, I refuse!!!  Maybe that is my problem, maybe I should let it become my friend.  I honestly don't know which way to go or if I even have that choice.
--- End quote ---


Learning,

First, thanks for telling the authorities about your father. You did the right thing. You may have protected some people by doing that.

You don't have a personality disorder. Sometimes therapists don't answer that question immediately when asked by a patient, because they're hoping to hear more of your thoughts on what a personality disorder is. His reply to you sounded like he does not think you have a disorder, and your family is crazy.

It might help if your therapist was titrating the pain in small doses, since you are very anxious that you'll be retraumatized. Maybe he can help you lessen the pain. I don't know if you're on medication.

There's no rule about how long it takes to get better, or to know yourself. Give yourself time. If others want to rush you, too bad, it's not their life, it's yours.

bunny

Learn:
Hi Bunny,

Thank you for the reassurance about not having a personality disorder.  Your opinion means alot to me.  Sometimes that fear just grips me...that I really am the crazy one.

I am still real fuzzy on exactly how the therapy process is suppose to help my pain go away.  My T does move slowly and certainly does not push me in anyway.  Sometimes I wonder if he should.  I am not on medication.

I believe you are right when you say there is no rule about the time it takes to get better...I will try to be patient with myself.  I am worried that it will never happen...getting over this.  I am worried that I will be stuck with this forever...like living in the same day over and over again.  It's as if the outer world and the outer me has been moving on...but my inner core is still this little girl, scared to death.

Thanks again Bunny.  In my book, you are definetly a strong achiever.

Learning

Portia:
Dear Learning, thank you for your post. I heard you clearly, you sound real to me. You said:

--- Quote ---I refuse to let it become my life. I refuse, I refuse, I refuse!!! Maybe that is my problem,
--- End quote ---
Fighting the pain seems natural to me because I was ‘raised’ (ha ha, not) to be strong, coping, independent, not a cry-baby, not a weakling….all that BS. The pain hurts but it also tells me that my problems are real and true. But I agree with bunny about managing the pain and not being rushed. And being self-indulgent? Self-indulgent. What’s wrong with that. If you don’t indulge your Self, what’s the point to life? The opposite to Indulge is Deny – a bad thing. Lovely, warming, to hear from you, P
PS Just read your new post. You're not the crazy one! :)

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